Saturday, December 29, 2012

today has been mostly good for me.

cdh-ers are gone, staying with megan friddle and life is slow. i've texted everyone i've ever known to live in this town asking to hang out. zach dickson tells me a lot i'm not good at not doing anything. and being alone. he's right.

i worked
ran 5 miles with zach and ash
crawled in my sleeping bag and watched the oc
went to the coffee shop to hang out with laney
playing a lot of free flow
went back to work
dogs were nice
chased the sunset
coffee shopped
hanging with tyler
being overwhelmed with grad school applications
hanging with the white kitty house tonight, it'll be like summer all over again. its a good life

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

"i find i'm moving to the rhythms of your grace"

i blogged about this before but i can't find the post and it's good so i can talk about it again.

I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

matthew 11:28 msg version. 

unforced rhythms of grace. 

keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly. 

trying to live in this freedom i know i have felt so many times in my life but don't feel now. 

"know that you are free at this moment but you are always being set free" - matt o.


i started this blog on monday when i was real stressed out and processing life and i don't have these feelings of unsettled-ness at this moment so i figured i'd publish it even though it isn't finished. 

Thursday, December 13, 2012

“Where this discipline of the tongue is practiced right from the beginning, each individual will make a matchless discovery. He will be able to cease from constantly scrutinizing the other person, judging him, condemning him, putting him in his place where he can gain ascendancy over him and thus doing violence to him as a person. Now he can allow the brother to exist as a completely free person, as God made him to be…I can never know beforehand how God’s image should appear in others." Dietrich Bonhoeffer

well, i'll write more about this later but, just know it has changed my life. 

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

i've had too many thoughts/emotions/desires to blog about too many things lately and that results in me blogging about nothing. if i were to of blogged in the past almost month it may have been entitled

"What to expect when you're expecting"


"expectations versus expecting"

both were good titles that took me a long time to come up with.

i've been learning a lot A LOT about the Lord lately. I told Ash and Zach and Justin two weeks ago that I feel like I've learned more about the Lord in the past month and a half than I have maybe since I came to know the Lord and sat in Anna Straight's car and read her philippians 2:14 and loved it so much.

( Do everything without complaining and arguing, 15 so that no one can criticize you. Live clean, innocent lives as children of God, shining like bright stars in a world full of crooked and perverse people. 16 Hold firmly to the word of life; then, on the day of Christ’s return, I will be proud that I did not run the race in vain and that my work was not useless.)

I remember telling Anna I wanted to be a bright star. 

I've learned a lot about how I expect things and people and relationships and conversations to be how I want them to be. It all comes back to me. Maggie has tried to psychoanalyze me and figure out why I do this because I have as far back as I can remember and maybe it has something to do with my childhood and maybe not. I'm not sure. I am sure that at some point I should go to counseling to figure it out. I've learned a lot about how those expectations hurt things, people, relationships, and conversations. Sam and I have dealt with these expectations I hold over him a lot in our relationships but recently I've discovered it's not just with Sam it's with everyone. I've also learned that I don't expect the Lord to come. I don't expect him to show up in those people, relationships, and conversations. 

My prayer has been Lord come. Just come. Help break the chains of expectations in my life and in my heart and renew these things that I've held onto for so long and just come. Change the things that I want changed or change my heart about them. Let me hold onto things loosely and you tightly.

 I feel like it's appropriate that i'm learning this now, in a season of advent and in a season of singing songs like o come o come emmanuel. lord come. 

zach and i have had a lot of conversations recently about myself and he has gently been encouraging me to embrace and accept and acknowledge that i'm sensitive and needy and that when i do need something i need to talk about it. again, expectations from people that aren't even vocalized that i can be hurt by. expectations ruin everything. literally everything. so, i'm trying to acknowledge (it's the first step zach said) that i am sensitive and can be hurt and to try to sort out the real hurt feelings from the i'm just being needy and don't need to be right now feelings. i'm tough and that's okay, i'm allowed to be. but i think it's hard for me to acknowledge and process because i don't want to complain because i want to live in philippians 2:14 of not complaining and i don't want to run my race in vain. 

i'm also learning to be a person of my words. today my nose ring fell out and i asked anna for my stud and she had lost if a long time ago and i didn't know that and she didn't replace it and i said it was okay to her then got in my car and realized i was mad about it and it really is okay and insignificant but it wasn't okay and she should of replaced it or told me when it happened. so not that i need to say everything i could ever think to people but like again, its okay if i'm sensitive to something and okay to let people know that sometimes. sometimes. 

lord come. 

Saturday, November 17, 2012

farther along we'll understand why.

life is good and sweet and has slowed down. i spent most of last week in the hospital which wasn't fun but i got to hang out with my mom and all my best friends for 3 days so that was fun. last night micah told me my group of friends is stacked and could take care of anything. he's right. i'm lucky. grateful for this town and how it surrounds me and loves me so well. grateful for all of crossroads staff coming to see me, all of cdh constantly being by my side, my mama coming from va and the white kitty house loving on me so hard. this week i went back to work and back to the office and took it easy and had an excuse to and that was real nice. i feel 100% again which is nice to feel human after not for about a week and a half. i've gotten a lot of encouragement this week from people (my house but jeremy esp, and chelsea telling me i'm a really good listener now and that all my effort to make that occur has paid off i guess and a lot of intentional time spent with people (qt with sam this past weekend, emily and anna hanging on my porch, duck dynasty with micah, car rides with maggie, going to the movies with evan) which has been so good for me. also have realized things about myself which is cool and new- that i'm a redneck and a hippie and somehow i embrace both of those atribute and it's okay. also, that i may be going to grad school for social work. wild. wild wild wild. love it. so exciting and scary mostly. next week i'll think about it more.
this blog post was never finished but it's good haha

you know, brooke fraser is really stinking good.

i'm home sick for the 2nd day this week with 3 more sick days ahead of me. i've already cried once from depression about it. i hate having to slow down i hate not having stuff to do i hate having to rest. even though its so good for me. even though i know rest can be productive and doesn't have to be consumed by tv watching (i had to stop myself after my 4th once upon a time episode today to read and spend time with jesus and then read blogs haha) i'm just not good at being sick i don't think. but it lets people show me they love me and i am good at responding to that.

mary slept in the same bed as me friday night even after i had thrown up (not in the bed) but i had smelly armpits.
ashley came after i told her i had thrown up and sat with me
mary let me wake her up at 8 crying and shaking in pain because i couldn't talk and i was so scared how sick i was.
sarah thomas found me some medicine.
gaby lent me her laptop and let me watch gilmore girls.
mary loved me and napped with me.
alexis checked on me every chance she had
alexis packed my stuff up for me and she and ash left the retreat early to bring me home
zach made me rest
i've gotten countless texts from family and friends asking if they can do anything for me
chelsea just offered to buy me frozen peas and now she's coming over to hang out
mary gave me a foot massage. which was weird.
micah made me laugh and let me watch once then when i fell asleep he turned off once and turned on a movie he wanted to watch haha
jeremy did the dishes for me
ashley gave me a candle haha

its just nice to be loved. all those people would do all those things any day of the week for me regardless of my wellbeing. that's nice to know too.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

last night brian micah maggie and i went to elevation church in charlotte and out to dinner. those were both really really good. the car ride home was better. we talked about relationships and lack of relationships and what relationships do for us, for the better or the worse. at one point maggie asked me if i was jaded towards relationships. i didn't know what that meant so i asked if it meant cynical.
(jad·ed tired, bored, or lacking enthusiasm, typically after having too much of something)

i said i didn't know but i didn't think i was cynical towards getting in another relationship. she 
said she didn't really think i was either. then i told her that micah told me that matthew
 emotionally damaged me which i laughed about but is true in the scheme of life i just don't 
want to admit it. admitting it meant matthew had the power to damage me and i didn't want
to give him that power. she said he didn't have that power now he did at the time though. that's true. 
then i kinda thought some more about it and how maybe i am cynical to be in another relationship because
i don't want someone else to have that power to hurt me again. but i don't think i'm leery towards guys that
may or may not be pursuing me. hanging out with evan never scares me or to think about dating him doesn't
scare me. he also knows what matthew did to me so pretty sure he wouldn't ever do that. but, i think that i
am cynical about boys in general because of matthew and about how boys talk about girls. i hate it more than
anything now that a boy would do something/have any motivation in life for liking or doing something for
a girl because she was pretty. micah told us that he was moving to dc to work at courtney's house because
the intern mary stone was so beautiful. she was but i got mad that he would change his life for this girl.
so we had a conversation about it and it was really good. i'm also a hypocrite because i'm a fan of good looking
boys and talk about that sometimes. good thing i'm human. 

i don't want to be cynical. i don't want to be scared of relinquishing my heart and power (at some level) to someone 
else someday down the road. hopefully the lord will do that sweet restoring thing he does with people and i'll
be alright when the time comes. 

i don't know why this blog got formatted so weird, it's driving me bonkers but i can't fix it. sorry. 

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

I should be packing up and going back to work instead of blogging. oops.

i'm learning a lot. i'm learning to be slow to speak and quick to listen. i'm learning that praying is better than giving advice. i'm learning that the lords timing is indeed more perfect than my own. this has been evident in conversations that have manifested themselves, not been forced. this has been in tears and love and hearts being held in hands. i'm learning that i need to be more proactive in life.

four birds sat on a wire together. one decided to fly away. how many birds are still on the wire? four because one just decided to fly away but not actually do it.

no big deal that story just kicked my butt. i need to do the things i want to do not just talk about them. i just wrote a research paper on missionaries to the deaf around the world and that's cool and all but i should do something if i want to do it.

evan asked me to kill fire ants with him on saturday and i left a jar of pickles on his doorstep on monday.

i mean, just trying to live a good funny story.

James 1:19

New International Version (NIV)

Listening and Doing

19 My dear brothers and sisters,(A) take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak(B) and slow to become angry,

Sunday, October 14, 2012

life is about driving with the windows down with 5 people in the car all singing home by phillip phillips at the top of our lungs 10 times in one weekend.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

julia blogged about the song slow it down by the lumineers and now i'm obsessed with it too. and listening to it as i write this blog. 1 of two blogs today i think.

i want my life to be a good story. donald miller talks about that in his books a lot and y friend michael i lived with in tennessee two summers ago always talks about life as an adventure. that's really how he sees everything in his life, as a big adventure. if things are good or bad or hard or easy it's always an adventure. i love that mentality and have started adopting it. today i thought about how lately my life has been a good story. sunday i played rooftop basketball with mary and micah and then was trying to climb back in the house and i dislocated my rib. today i went to the fair with the people i work with at the vet and i milked a goat and rode a camel and got bit by an ostrich. it was a good story. i've thought about staying up late a lot recently and how i'll remember staying up late and the conversations i have but in a year i won't remember the monday i went to work super sleepy but the sunday night we went to get slushees at midnight because we could. things are bigger picture for me and i like that. alexis says she learns that from me a lot and i can dig it. i want more laughter in my story than words. i want tears in my story because tears are better than holding them back for too long. getting really involved in watching the voice as a house is a good story. playing horse every day with jeremy and micah makes for a good story. smashing windows with basketballs makes for an expensively good story. going to dc for 7 days together is about to be a good story. i want to add things to my story. i want the lord to knit my heart together with these people and other people so they become part of my story as well. anna asked me if i would want to move to greenville with her after cdh is over and i obviously don't know but i said only if it promised to be a good adventure. she said she thought it would. who knows. i don't want my story to be stagnant. there can be points to take a break from reading it or go to the bathroom or get some popcorn but i don't want it to stop or get boring. it can slow it down slow it down and rest but not stop. then i want to die and people to tell my story and incorporate it into their own.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

today is the day before my birthday. it was really really really really special. maybe more special than any birthday has been in a long time. i feel like birthdays carry so much weight and pressure and expectations and i always cry. i mean, there is still time for that but i don't forsee any tears.

nano wished me a happy birthday
i went running and hurt my knee
i am loved.
sarah thomas, her husband daniel and her three childrens came over for dinner and mary did too.
there was a birthday balloon in the middle of the table.
we ate and laughed and i loved it
we didn't complain at dinner, we just laughed well.
then zach made everyone say nice things to me because its a tradition
zach said he is learning a lot from me, that i am black and white and truthful and real about things.
ashley said i was compassionate and funny and that most people aren't those two things together but i am.
micah said he loved that i was so strong and strongwilled and had so much self confidence and was real.
mary said i was her best friend then she cried.
daniel said that the highest compliment he can give a person is that he loves how i love his kids and teach them how to be real human beings.
sarah cried
jeremy said he appreciates that i build him up in his confidence because i am so confident
brian said he appreciates my thoughtfulness and that our friendship is funny and we appreciate funny things and that i'm strong
maggie said that i love her and care for her more genuine than anyone else she knows
sarah stopped crying and said that i'm funny and real and appreciated that i was vunerable to ask her to meet with me and that i love her kids well and that my faith is real and sought after and i'm not ashamed of it or my struggles and that is amazing to her.
alexis said she appreciated that i can see big picture life and not small picture life and i'm teaching her that and that i always encourage her and am so selfless and always help people right then and i put myself aside constantly.
anna said that she knew we would be best friends the first week we were here and that she felt more comfortable around me than anyone else in the house and that we were the deep silence is okay best friends and that she loved it and that i sharpen her faith and teach her not to sugar coat things in life and to be real with people about things.

i fought back tears my lower jaw was literally trembling. i am so loved. then we cleaned up dinner and i opened my package from my mama and then some more presents and then chilled and then zach, jeremy, and micah came in with 6 slushees all different combinations and micah served us all slushees and they were soooo good. then we watched the office and parks and rec and now i'm typing this becaues i don't want to forget it. i am loved.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

this will be a long post, or maybe in parts. i want to write it down so i don't forget.

so 3 years ago (ish)my life was changed. i heard a girl named nikki rice speak in the gardner webb chapel on a sunday morning where all the churches were closed so by word of mouth on facebook we, as a gardner webb body, decided to have snow church in the chapel. i don't think we had music but maybe we did by the unworthy beloved. it was open to anyone and everyone. people that went to all different churches in this town came together to have church. community. the floor was open for anyone. there were no pastors, no organized anything. i only remember nikki speaking and my friend spencer speaking. nikki spoke on her life and her past struggles and addiction to pornography. i had literally never heard a female speak these words before. i don't even remember what she spoke about or how she shared this with us but she talked about the chains and bondage she felt to pornography and how it had a hold on her life for so long. my heart froze inside my chest that morning and didn't unthaw until 8 months later. the rest of the day i was in a daze. that night i had a meeting for a mission trip i was supposed to go on but i was too frantic to go to the meeting. i went to the prayer room in the chapel and prayed and cried and sat because i didn't know what to do. i called chelsea and told her i was crying and she came over. we sat on the worn couch and just sat because i was crying too hard to talk. at one point chelsea just turned me around and held me as tight as she could against her. she was so patient that night. i finally told her that from around 7th grade until christmas break freshman year of college i had struggled with pornography. not addicted, not bonded that i knew of, just struggled. i had never said those words out-loud, in fact many times in my life had vowed to never tell anyone them. but i did. i knew there was freedom in nikki saying it and i knew i'd find that freedom too. so chelsea held me tight and didn't let me go and we processed some of it but i still felt heavy and that wouldn't go away.

a few days? weeks? i don't remember later i went to the river. it was a tuesday morning i didn't have to go to class or something so it was cool out and i set my hammock up in the spot i always, and still do, set my hammock up by the rock. i read and prayed and wrote a letter to god confessing my sin of porn. i figured if i confessed it to chelsea i should probs confess it to the lord. i ripped the letter up into real small pieces, some of which are still in my bible today. most of them though ended up in the river. i stood on the bench by the rock and threw the letter in. then i started throwing rocks. when i get real upset or mad or sad i throw rocks. so i started throwing them and confessing my sins outloud. not just porn sins but all of them. my fears, worries, sins, anything and everything. i know now you shouldn't throw big rocks in rivers because it messes up the irrigation or something like that. sorry broad river. so, threw all these rocks, dammed up the river, and felt bettter. felt free and light. then i turned to get off the rock and there were 15 little purple butterflies dancing in a circle. i threw 15 rocks. either chelsea or sam made the analogy of like me throwing the heavy things away and the lord replacing them with light things. i just saw the little butterflies as total grace. presents. the lord letting me know he heard my cries and loved me anyway. i had a video of the butterflies dancing on my old phone but i guess i never transfered it over. that's okay.

so, life went on. i confessed my sins to the lord and to chelsea so i figured i was good to go. sometimes i felt weird about it but mostly i told myself i was okay. then one of the last weeks of the semester we had the outdoor verge which is the student led worship service every tuesday night. it was the last one and it was outside so we were pumped. i don't remember who i went with...hmmm i don't know. but the songs came on led by the unworthy beloved and i opened my mouth to sing and no words came out. i stood, sat, raised my hands, nothing i literally couldn't sing words. so i sat down and tried to pray and couldn't pray. it literally felt like there was a chain and lock around my heart constricting me from signing and praying. a few songs went by and still nothing. so i looked around and saw this girl rebekah stanford who was like incharge of CMU (uhh christian ministries united or something on campus, the jesus-y people) and was like well she's on cmu counsel she's probably holy. literally that was my thought, i've never spoken to her before, i judged her a lot for being so pious but i couldn't do anything else. so i interrupted her worship and said hey i'm hannah can you pray for me. so we went to the outskirts of the service and she asked me what was up and i told her that i tried to sing and couldn't and tried to pray and i couldn't and i felt like my heart was bound up. so she put her hands on my head (weird, right?) and started praying. praying for freedom and i don't know what else. mostly i thought it was weird her hands were on my head but i felt something. like the holy spirit ya know. then i felt another set of hands, one of my head and one holding my left hand. clearly i opened my eyes to see who else was touching me. it was another girl but i literally didn't know her name, she started praying over me as well. they finished and the girl introduced herself as rachel. she then proceeded to tell me she had a dream about me the night before. great, so hey i just met you, and this is crazy, but my names rachel, and i dream about you. funny. so she tells me that she has this dream i'm running across the ultimate field barefoot (nothing has changed) but i was running so lightly and freely and the lord was there and it was like hebrews 12, i was running the race and stripping off all my burdens. she said i had to slowdown and stop because there was something slowing me down. i couldn't get to the lord because i was encumbered by this weight. she said then she woke up. i think. then she asked me if there was anything she felt like i had to confess or get off my chest so i could run freely to the lord. clearly i had just met her so i said no i was okay. hahahahahaha. what is wrong with me. so they prayed for me again and that was that. i went back to the service and was able to pray and sing. again, i felt like i was done with this.

then school ended and i went home and my life was wrecked. i guess all the distractions i had at school disappated and i was a mess. sin came crawling back and it brought shame, guilt, dirtiness, and hatred for myself with it. i felt like i was going crazy at home before i moved to TN for the summer. i emailed sarah thomas (my mentor) and told her. i got to tennessee which was great and crazy and amazing but i still felt weighed down and shameful and guilty. i didn't talk about it for a long time in my small group or cabin but slowly started telling people my story. every time i did i felt better. that's all i knew. i don't even remember who i told, ashley elder, brit, maybe derrick on accident, ashley sue bell my small group leader, that may be it. i don't know. but being vunerable opens up channels but also let's you know you aren't alone. a majority of the girls i had confessed this to talked of similar struggles. its just SO not talked about. i hate it. i hate it hate it hate it. that's for another post another day. then i took a week off from dollywood and took my highschool young life girls to camp. another post for another day but during the week they have cardboard testimonies where you write your life prior to christ on one side and how your life is different beacuse of christ on the other side. i felt the lord pushing me to do this. so i told hef who is on staff here that i had to do it. she just said okay. so there was a time before the talk that night where we all made our cardboard signs in the clubroom and i was too scared to talk to anyone/trying to hide my cardboard. our area director josh jones came up to me and said so, tell me about that. i cried. i didn't want to tell him about it. he was the closest to a parent/authority figure/adult i had to tell. so he took me outside on the side porch and made me tell him and he asked me what kind of porn it was and how often and talked about how i didn't have to be ashamed because we are all dirty mother fuckers if we want to be honest about it. he said mother fuckers a lot in the real sense of the word and how that is the most vial thing we could be on earth but that's what we are as sinners. then he told me that if i wanted to keep leading young life i had to sign up for an accountability website so someone could see what i was browsing on my computer. ugh. so i did after i moved back to NC from tennesseee. then i showed my cardboard testimony and i cried the whole time and my legs shook. i don't even know what my cardboard said. struggled with pornography, the lord set me free maybe. i do know that the cute boy from florida school for the deaf was sitting right infront and when i turned my cardboard over to the good redeemed side he literally fist pumped. he was cute, i remmeber that. then my girls came up to me and hugged me and other people did too and said stuffl ike thanks for saying that and helping me be set free. its a messy crying time. then i went back to TN and told some more people and still felt heavy. my cardboard was a lie, i hadn't been set free.

my parents and sam came to TN week 8 out of 10 to visit me and dollywood. they came to chapter wrap up on a wednesday night. they sat in the back, i sat in the front. at the end of chapter wrap up before journal time we sang it is well with my soul. the lines
my sin, not in part, but in whole, is nailed to the cross and i bear it no more 
literally changed my life. i literally yelled them in the lodge. my heart broke. i felt it. i felt the chains and lock break on my heart. the lock that had impressed itsself on my heart the night of outdoor verge literally broke. i gasped for air. i journaled about it. i was high on it. it was the best feeling i've ever felt in the world. my parents and sam commented on my loud singing. i didn't care. i didn't tell anyone though. i wanted it to be real before i told people. i wanted the freeom to linger. i wanted to really be set free. and i was. my cabin mates noticed it first. ashley noticed a change in me. a change in my heart. she said i was happier than i had been all summer. i was free. and i was for real. so summer ended and i came back to gardner webb

and i started talking about it. i told rebekah my roommate about it first. i think i told amy brown. i maybe told julia. i don't remember. then FCA sharing night came along. a room full of athletes that i didn't know. and i felt the lord again telling me i had to share. this time in the form of words, not cardboard i could hide behind. so i did. i sat in a chair and sarah stokes and presley were in the back row and jonathan and cody and matt anderson were in the very front. i shared all this. in less detail. and that was that. the lord was good to me. the lord used me. being faithful to him is good. so that night ended and i got over my nerves and kept talking about it. talking about the freedom i had. the freedom i found in the lord. i love it. i wrote letters to dylan from tennessee, my brother sam, and my best friend anna. dylan wrote back. sam didn't. anna did. sam and i talked about it christmas break in his car in the driveway and we cried. i cried. whatever. i told emily thompson that break too. i've yet to tell anyone else in my family. i think my parents maybe know. i don't know. i don't think they know that freedom in the lord so i don't know that they'll get it. i told christine the last time we hung out. i told my sisters in CDH. now i'm telling the blog world. i'm free. brandon was right, confessed sin can't hurt you again. i'm mostly writing all this down because it's my life. and important. and i have a bad memory. and for when i forget nikki rice, rebekah stanford, and rachel who had dreams about me. for when i forget the lord is good. and redeems me from the pit. and loves me more than i can imagine. grateful.

mary told me to write this in one long post. sorry not sorry.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

this blog may take a few days. 

i'm learning a lot. a lot of bad stuff about myself. 

that i am still attention seeking in groups, that i guilt trip people, that i am not a good listener, that i don't see real beauty in people a lot like i should, ect. i've known most of these things and at times in my life have worked on removing them from my life but they all came into culmination this week and i got overwhelemed and sad. i often don't think of my sin as things like this. i think of tangible sins that i've had in my life but not these characteristics i possess. if i wasn't watching friday night lights i could better articulate these thoughts but as it is, i can't. a few years ago i prayed through the fruits of the spirit, one a week and tried to implement them in my life. i really did see a difference and the crappy parts of me were being weeded out by the lord and the fruits were being sown. i've been thinking about praying through them again lately and i guess this is an invitation to do so to try to uproot these bad things in my heart. christine and i talked about these things the other night when i was sobbing over them and listening to glory bound by martin sexton on repeat she said she's been thinking a lot about something something in corinthians and how christs love compels us (2 corinthians 5:14) and how she thinks about what is compelling her to act or say or do certain things : selfishness or christ's love. i've been putting that on post it notes all around my house and work and trying to think about it. 

sometimes i pray that god will show me my sin so i can cling more to him. that the cross will be a reality in my life not just at young life camp or when i gave talks or on easter. that i really can pick up my cross daily because there is no other way i can live. then times like this happen when i don't even ask for it (gasp) and i feel like the wind is knocked out of me because of how overwhelmed i am at how shitty of a person i am. 

all these thoughts/revelations/insecurities are magnified in my head by the fact that i'm about to move into a house with 9 totally new people (5 of which are under the age of 20) and that i feel like i'm not wise enough or great enough to live with them or lead them or be older than them or anything. it makes me nervous. but excited for jesus to change me and change my heart and change my actions in this house that i'm about to live in for a year. friday night lights got dramatic and i need to go to bed so this is the end of this. 

Sunday, July 15, 2012

my friend erica inspired this blog. she's about to go to grad school at ECU and is real scared. it'll be okay though erica!

we talked last night about how god doesn't call us to do something and then makes us do that thing he called us to do on his own. this morning i read matthew 14 and it talked about jesus walking on water and how peter asked to be called out onto the water and jesus obliged but then peter doubted and got scared and fell when he stopped looking at jesus. i think this is so us sometimes. we asked to be called to do something, or just ask god for something to happen and things work out and fall into place and that thing does happen and it's almost like we forgot we wanted that thing in the first place. then we get scared and nervous and doubt and start to sink because we think we can do it on our own. but we can't. if god leads us to this place of doing this thing he's going to see it through. it's going to be okay because god ordained it to happen. or maybe god let it happen, i don't know but i do know he is sovereign and things do work out. crazy things like falling off the mountain when mountain biking with my high school girls turned into like 20 young life talks. or real things like going to colorado and being scared and having it be the hardest and best 5 months of my life. things really do work out. but we need to not be scared punks and remembered that we asked for the call sometimes. and remember that god is really big. and does big things. and never has the intention of leaving us to sink or fall.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

the other day i was telling katherine about my life and how i was and about life in colorado and about how i learned how to dance and she stopped me and said hannah, when you came back there was something different about you and i knew there was but i didn't know what it was. i knew i was more comfortable around you than i ever had been, i knew i was loved by you like never before, i knew something was different. and then we cried. she said now that you tell me about how free you felt and how unencumbered by the world you were and how you lived how you were created to live in the lord in colorado i know that is true. i know i am so at peace around you beacause you are so at peace with yourself. then we cried more.

that was real nice. some people told me i changed for the worse in colorado. they told me that becuase i didn't say christian things anymore or didn't really love going to church that i was different. that my faith was different because i was testing it.

freedom feels good.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

You are More by tenth avenue north.

i've lately been feeling a lot like i screwed things up in colorado. screwed them up by the people i hung out with, choices i made, not abiding in the lord, just whatever. like jesus could never live in me again after those things. not that i like killed anyone or anything i just wasn't seeking the lord for so long that maybe i couldn't do it again. and like i said last post, i prayed and presented my attitudes and emotions to the lord and immediately felt peace so i figured he was still down in me somewheres. 

and i also remembered i was worth everything. that i have been remade. that i am constantly being remade. that revelations 21:5 is the best. “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” trustworthy and true, must be a good sign.  

grateful for grace and mercies that are always new and friends that hold my hands and heart. 

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

living in pigeon forge the past two summers made me love the 4th of july and america. and turned me a little redneck. i throw up the 3 for dale everytime i see anything related to it and love cut off tshirts. and america. most of its a joke but i really am blessed to live in america so why not have some pride. today was the first day off from work besides weekends i've had and it was soooooo nice. i cleaned carolines house and met with my friend rory and hung with mary and hung with erica and hung with evan then changed into my cut off eagle shirt that says america on it and took my watermelon to andrew, adam, and dereks apartment and hung with some people we play ultimate with and played intense card games. then i ate food that had been in the car and it was really hot and got really really bad diarrhea. and wanted to die. but it passed. then i was an hour late to jon's party but we got there just in time for the fire works and the dance party and it was the best. michael put on a strobelight app on his iphone and we danced like fools. this boy matt and i petitioned for call me maybe and they finally put it on and we raved. then i came home to go to bed and write this blog. it was such a good day. maybe one of the best days i have had in a long time. i hung out with literally almost all my favorite people i could in this state and danced and laughed hard and ate a lot of watermelon. now i have 19 more hours to work this week till the weekend when i can do it all over again. love it so much. so grateful for days off and good friends. and remembering i can have fun without drinking, i kinda forgot that a little bit.

Monday, July 2, 2012

today i will blog. i'm watching 24 and still don't know whats going on or who jack bauer is and drinking a slushee. #typical tiff just said YOU MOTHER TURD.

noah and megan are married (again)
my bangs are still mega good looking
i have a new animal shirt- it's a tiger painted like the american flag.
i'm living in community easier than i thought i would
i am loved
i am trying to live and love well
katherine and i are reading the bible together every night (matthew)
mary is back in town and we cuddle a lot
i slept in my hammock under the moon on friday
i go to bed around 10 every night and wake up at 645
the other day i thought jesus didn't live in my heart and that i really did f everything up in colorado.
then i presented those emotions to jesus and tried to abide and i felt better so i figured he did live in my heart.
i still take baby steps though
i have a mason jar high up on a shelf that says FUN FUND and i clean my friend carolines house and put that money in it and use it for fun things. saving it maybe for the moon tattoo. or a trip to aspen. or other fun things
it is july and team vaughn beach week starts july 29th. SOSOON
i miss tennessee a lot, i want to visit very soon
i still think and miss and talk about the boys from colorado alll the time
i have to go meet mary now.
i love my life.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

remember that time God was super provisional? oh yeah, all the time. when I was on summer staff we talked a lot about ebenezers. 1 samuel 7:12 says " Samuel took a single rock and set it upright between Mizpah and Shen. He named it "Ebenezer" (Rock of Help), saying, "This marks the place where God helped us."

Just like marking places where you've seen the lord be provisional or helpful so I've been trying to do that in my life a lot lately. Trying to set up reminders of where God has been faithful so next time I freak out of doubt or whatever I do I have tangible reminders (besides you know, the bible) that God is good and faithful. Maybe I am alone in being this forgetful or whatever but I try to acknowledge God a lot to remember that he's around a lot. So this week's huge burst of provision was in the form of a job. After putting out 27 (not even exaggerating) applications in Boiling Springs, Shelby, and Gaffney I finally got a job. I'm a vet clinic assistant (not technician) so I walk and play with the dogs and cats and feed them and clean their cages and do dishes. Super glamourous job for a college graduate. But it's full time. and pays more than minimum wage. and i get to meow and make puppy paws as much as I want and its acceptable. When I was offered the job I kinda freaked out a lot lot lot and didn't want to take it thinking some more awesome job would come out of no where, which none have by the way... but I don't know why I freaked out. Then I listened to John Butler Trio a lot and they have a song called Better Than that i love a lot. 

All you want is
What you can't have
And if you just look around man
You see you got magic
So just sit back relax
Enjoy it while you still have it
Don't look back on life man and only see tragic

Because you could be better than that
Don't let it get the better of you
What could be better than now
Life's not about what's better than

and I decided that it really wasn't about trying to get a better than the vet job. This is what was literally given to me and it would of been silly not to take it. They are accommodating and awesome and I can work full time until CDH starts in august then go part time. Super perfect. So starting Monday I'll be wearing scrubs and crocs and playing with animals all day. Hilarious and great. So, this blog post and my gazillion of prayers of excitement and thanks is my ebenezer.  Thanks for everyone that prayed and asked and listened to me complain about not having a job. grateful for that in my life. 

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

summertime and the living's easy in boiling springs. my life is cozy and nice. my house is cozy and nice. katherine is sewing, elizabeth is grading papers, tiffany is studying for a spanish quiz and we are all really just watching 24. i'm reading about oshkosh b'gosh for an interview i have tomorrow.

the summer of fun is in full swing. i laugh a lot, i drink a lot of slushees, i don't set alarms in the morning, i go to bed late. i hang out with all my favorite people all the time. i roll around with kitty.

my roommates are gracious and gentle with me which my heart is grateful for. they are good at distracting me when i need distracting and listening well when i need them to listen well. grateful for this easy transition back into love and community.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

just went through all my old myspace messages (which is the most embarresing thing i've ever done maybe.) and found the first time i ever talked to jessica

Feb 1, 2006
jessica. says
ohhh, hey, hey. oh. oh. sweet. i'm adding you.
& chya, we should definitely talk. cat power & agsfb are glooorious.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Hannah (Picture) Paige
Date: Feb 1, 2006 6:20 PM

hey, i'm hannah, obviously and you are in like 0573067 of my classes. or maybe 2. but you seem like a hella cool kid and you like cat power& all girl summer fun band and that pretty much makes you amazing. we should talk sometime.

glad i was awkward and tried to impress her and glad she loved me. i only found one other message which is a bummer but...

jessica. says
hannah, i never ever ever ever ever look at bulletins, but i saw the 'attention' thing, and HEY, that's amazinly cool, and i love you.



:] yep.

she loved me. she was real and she loved me. i also found a message from her brother jake after she had her first tumor removed and before they knew she had cancer and the 
message was like she's doing great the surgery went great. which was hard to read. 

i just read my xanga (dang i keep getting cooler) and remembered this post

i heard paris hilton's song the stars are blind when i found out jessica had cancer and five years to live.
i heard yellow submarine by a band at liana gilb's graduation party when i found out she passed away.
i listened to paramore's cd Riot literally probably 50 times the day of the funeral.

si've since associated the songs The War by Melee, Life Run Deep by PW Gopal, and So Much Beauty in Dirt by Modest Mouse with jessica. 

just miss her. 

Friday, June 8, 2012

a lot of times this week i've been really upset and literally feel like my breath gets knocked out of me and i am not even crying just gasping for air because i think my heart stops beating when it realizes how sad i am. that just happened. i felt really okay yesterday and today about jessica stuff and had quiet times yesterday and today which hasn't happened in months and so that was a big deal and clearly yes i understand the correlation between doing those and having peace. i get it. and tonight was really fun. and i was trying to not think about it. so i did only a little bit. but i've had farther along by josh garrels on repeat all day. which kinda hurts my heart but its so good. and then i read my own old blog posts and missed colorado a lot. too much. then i got real upset. and now i write this blog post. i sent my housemates a message this morning about how this week was hard and they've all loved me really well through it. i just sent elizabeth a message telling her i was upset and she and tiff are out in the living room talking. i kind of just want to go to sleep because i have to wake up early to meet rory but i don't know.

Farther along we’ll know all about it 
Farther along we’ll understand why 
Cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine 
We’ll understand this, all by and by 

i better get to understand this some day. 

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

my first big moon since moving back east. it was a harvest moon too which you can't tell because of my phone picture but it was orange and huge and so pretty. the lord is good and gives me good moons clearly when i need them the most. this week is the sucky suck suck town week in my life. my best friend jessica died 5 years ago on saturday and her birthday is today and she should be 22 instead of 17. so that is sad. and i get sad. and i think about her every day and it sucks more than life every day but still just extra hard this time of year. and i'm still jobless which is okay but just gives me ample time to think and be sad and cry on front porches.

but, moons are good. and the moon is always round. one time on summer staff this guy graham told me this story (actually i found it online so i didn't butcher it) A 14 year old girl who was slowly decaying from cancer was asked by her family to keep a journal. When she died, they found a note that said: “The moon is round.” As they read your journal they learnt that she meant that even when you can only see a sliver of the moon, you still know it is round. In the same way, she knew that even though she couldn’t fully understand what was going on, that God was sovereign.

apparently the girl was from tennessee like graham but i don't know. i've always thought about that story and how much i like it and today how it would be a good idea for a tattoo, either just the phrase the moon is round or an actual moon) but it is good. 

#summeroffun is fun. my house is fun. i live with katherine, elizabeth, and tiffany right now and a little white kitty named kitty. there are 6 other houses in bs that my friends live in. becap (erica, hillary, sarah, haley, paige, brittney-they have a good porch that i love), casa blanca (chelsea, courtney, april, tera, rachel), white house (logan, saxon, bri, kenzie, ben, brittany) pirate house (jonathan and justus) and the dude ranch (jordan, josh, michael) so ive been on a lot of porches, a lot of bonfires, a lot of laughing and loving. doors are unlocked and porches are open. jonathan just walked in with his roo cup (kangaroo gas station has cups that you buy so you can get 25 cent refills all summer long on slushees or drinks. ahhhhhhhhh) and tiff is studying and katherine and i are eating popcorn and we are watching our favorite portlandia clips. i should be filling out job applications - currently have Golden Toe (sock company), osh kosh, crocs, banana republic, gap, adidas, dollar general, justice, and limited too. add those to the 20 places i applied yesterday. ugh ugh ugh. 

the moon is round. 

Sunday, June 3, 2012

(emily, shannon, zoe, me obvi)
i've spent the past like 36 hours with my best friends. and it was so good. we laughed so hard we cried, we broke stuff (emily.) we hugged a lot, we saw our best friend erin get married, we smoked good hookah, we snuggled, we took a lot of pictures, and we realized we are old. i've known zoe for 17 years. she is my oldest friend. besides sam. i've lived down the street from shannon my whole life and have known her since first grade. i've known emily since 6th grade even though she was weird and we weren't friends until sophomore year of high school. these girls know my heart and hold it and are tender with me. they've been through so many surgeries with me, emily saw me covered in blood once, they've seen me get a new face, they've seen me cry, and they've always laughed and encouraged me through it. we don't talk that much during school typically but we all know that we can come home on breaks and anyones porch/patio will be open for hanging and that we can laugh and spend all day with each other. i'm grateful for these incredible best friends and for having more laughs this weekend than i have in the past six months combined.

Why would I ever want to write a book? Who would ever want to read a book I wrote? the market right now is definitely oversaturated with chr...