last night brian micah maggie and i went to elevation church in charlotte and out to dinner. those were both really really good. the car ride home was better. we talked about relationships and lack of relationships and what relationships do for us, for the better or the worse. at one point maggie asked me if i was jaded towards relationships. i didn't know what that meant so i asked if it meant cynical.
(jad·ed tired, bored, or lacking enthusiasm, typically after having too much of something)

i said i didn't know but i didn't think i was cynical towards getting in another relationship. she 

said she didn't really think i was either. then i told her that micah told me that matthew

 emotionally damaged me which i laughed about but is true in the scheme of life i just don't 

want to admit it. admitting it meant matthew had the power to damage me and i didn't want

to give him that power. she said he didn't have that power now he did at the time though. that's true. 

then i kinda thought some more about it and how maybe i am cynical to be in another relationship because

i don't want someone else to have that power to hurt me again. but i don't think i'm leery towards guys that

may or may not be pursuing me. hanging out with evan never scares me or to think about dating him doesn't

scare me. he also knows what matthew did to me so pretty sure he wouldn't ever do that. but, i think that i

am cynical about boys in general because of matthew and about how boys talk about girls. i hate it more than

anything now that a boy would do something/have any motivation in life for liking or doing something for

a girl because she was pretty. micah told us that he was moving to dc to work at courtney's house because

the intern mary stone was so beautiful. she was but i got mad that he would change his life for this girl.

so we had a conversation about it and it was really good. i'm also a hypocrite because i'm a fan of good looking

boys and talk about that sometimes. good thing i'm human. 

i don't want to be cynical. i don't want to be scared of relinquishing my heart and power (at some level) to someone 

else someday down the road. hopefully the lord will do that sweet restoring thing he does with people and i'll

be alright when the time comes. 

i don't know why this blog got formatted so weird, it's driving me bonkers but i can't fix it. sorry.