Friday, December 19, 2014

And Mary said, “Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.” And the angel departed from her. Luke 1:38 (ESV)

okay really. if an angel of the Lord came to me and told me I was going to be pregnant with the Son of God I would not respond this way. I would probably run around like my head had just got chopped off and drop some inappropriate words to say in front of an angel of the Lord. what a picture of faith. I am so grateful that God chose Mary to be the mother of Jesus and not me. I can't imagine. when i read those words this morning i was blown away. i'm sure i've read them before but wow. maybe she said other things. maybe she did run around or cry or ask questions but that's all the bible says she said. and it is perfect. i love that she said i am THE servant of the Lord. she knew. she knew she was the ultimate servant. that laying down her life, her pride, her everything to have this baby in a dirty manger stall was the ultimate act of service the world will know apart from her son himself.

i am wondering why i am so taken aback by these words she spoke. why am i unable to wrap my head around them? why was mary able to have such a visceral natural reaction to them? man, I want faith like that.

i've been thinking about things to blog about for the past month but final papers took over and then i was tired of writing. but this segways nicely so follow me. i am a wanderer. every time i sing the words "prone to wander Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love, take my heart Lord take and seal it, seal it for the courts above" they resonate deep in my bones. I can't tell you how many journal pages I've filled with those words and prayers that God really would take my heart and seal it because I can't be trusted with it. I am an adventure seeker, questioner, deep-feeler of feelings, and passionate. all these things are synonymous with reckless but I try to not live a reckless life. I have tried to make space for the things I am able to say yes to. I'm not sure God asks us to do things like have babies by immaculate conception anymore but i think there are things he still lets us say yes to that are scary. moving to colorado, moving to brasil, moving to richmond, holding sick babies, hiking mountains at nighttime. these are some for me. all adventures, all scary, all things the Lord has set before me that I've been able to say yes to. I used to live in the wanderer identity a little bit. I'd feel some weird pride when singing those lyrics next to my friends in church who are not prone to wandering. I felt like wandering was a bad thing and I got to be a rebel by being one. I've been thinking about the word a lot and what it means in my life and I don't think its so bad anymore. I think wandering and wondering are twins and that is just how some people live out their faith. I don't think Mary was wandering away from God, I think she was wandering and wondering how she could best serve him and he said, okay birth this baby. for me he's like, okay love people well at the gap. okay.

i think it's all about saying yes. to the good, hard, scary things. unless they are bad then probably don't.

i am 12 days into being a married woman and i am finding more joy and more mourning than i expected. i changed my name last week and cri...