Wednesday, March 11, 2015

life is rich friends. it is hard and messy as crap but it is so rich. for lent i decided to sit for four minutes every day in silence. just sit. (lent started almost a month ago and i've done this like 10 times...i suck) but when i do it its so good. and rich. and maybe half the times i've done it i've fallen asleep face down on my hardwood floors. because life is also exhausting. feeling all the feelings, working, schooling, laughing, crying, dreaming, being together with people. its so good. and so tiring. and i am so grateful.

i have lived a lot of life in the past few months. i've done some of the hardest things i've ever done in my life and been scared and been anxious and have done a lot of fist shaking. i've also been met with more grace than maybe ever before. i've been loved, pursued, chased after by people that love me and by the Lord. I've been met with open arms more times than i can count from people i called strangers 8 months ago. i've facetimed my best friends and have had hard conversations and have cried together from thousands of miles away. i've been able to pack up patrick henry at 11 at night to spend the night at friends houses when i couldn't handle being in my own. i've laughed till i've cried with noah and megan. i've done stupid shit. i've wrestled with the lord. i've loved and lost and missed people and parts of my life i thought i'd never miss. i've thrown my head back and sang at concerts, i've danced really badly with my best friends on sticky dance floors, i've gone to movies on school nights, i've had conversations about jesus and sin and how we are all going to be okay. for a week straight i wrote "you're okay, boo" on my hand just to remind myself and because diana taught me to call myself boo sometimes. i've broken bread and drank drinks with strangers and have grown so much and have loved myself more because of it all.

but you know what is the best. knowing that it is all how it's supposed to be. that in all these things and all these adventures and drives and tears jesus' hand is still guiding me. and that he's still delighting in me. and that has never changed a single MINUSCULE of an ounce despite all these things i've done. and whew. that is rich. damn. so good.

its possible that my favorite song of all time is table for two by caedmon's call. i think they are a christian band? i don't know i didn't grow up listening to jesus music. but this song. IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE. listen to it. on repeat. 29000 times a day until you fall in love. everytime i hear it there is a new line that sinks in my bones and it is just the best. lately i love this part...

This day's been crazy
But everything's happened on schedule
From the rain and the cold
To the drink that I spilled on my shirt


it's all on schedule friends. i don't think jesus plans our every second of every day but he still knows them all. and he is kind and nice and probably has a little chuckle when i spill things on my shirt and when i cuss because i wore my toms and its pouring down rain. 

life is messy and early 20's are probably always going to be referred to as the shitty years but man, lately i'm embracing them. because i KNOW that later in life i will look back on these and laugh. maybe cringe at some decisions but know that i told myself i was okay and i'll know i was. and you are too. we're all okay. even when we aren't okay. which is like all the time really. 

i am 12 days into being a married woman and i am finding more joy and more mourning than i expected. i changed my name last week and cri...