Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Wednesday, August 8, 2012


this blog may take a few days. 

i'm learning a lot. a lot of bad stuff about myself. 

that i am still attention seeking in groups, that i guilt trip people, that i am not a good listener, that i don't see real beauty in people a lot like i should, ect. i've known most of these things and at times in my life have worked on removing them from my life but they all came into culmination this week and i got overwhelemed and sad. i often don't think of my sin as things like this. i think of tangible sins that i've had in my life but not these characteristics i possess. if i wasn't watching friday night lights i could better articulate these thoughts but as it is, i can't. a few years ago i prayed through the fruits of the spirit, one a week and tried to implement them in my life. i really did see a difference and the crappy parts of me were being weeded out by the lord and the fruits were being sown. i've been thinking about praying through them again lately and i guess this is an invitation to do so to try to uproot these bad things in my heart. christine and i talked about these things the other night when i was sobbing over them and listening to glory bound by martin sexton on repeat she said she's been thinking a lot about something something in corinthians and how christs love compels us (2 corinthians 5:14) and how she thinks about what is compelling her to act or say or do certain things : selfishness or christ's love. i've been putting that on post it notes all around my house and work and trying to think about it. 

sometimes i pray that god will show me my sin so i can cling more to him. that the cross will be a reality in my life not just at young life camp or when i gave talks or on easter. that i really can pick up my cross daily because there is no other way i can live. then times like this happen when i don't even ask for it (gasp) and i feel like the wind is knocked out of me because of how overwhelmed i am at how shitty of a person i am. 

all these thoughts/revelations/insecurities are magnified in my head by the fact that i'm about to move into a house with 9 totally new people (5 of which are under the age of 20) and that i feel like i'm not wise enough or great enough to live with them or lead them or be older than them or anything. it makes me nervous. but excited for jesus to change me and change my heart and change my actions in this house that i'm about to live in for a year. friday night lights got dramatic and i need to go to bed so this is the end of this. 



i think life is a little hard right now. i have felt more materialistic than i maybe ever have. pretty much daily i am buying something, or ...