Saturday, June 16, 2012

remember that time God was super provisional? oh yeah, all the time. when I was on summer staff we talked a lot about ebenezers. 1 samuel 7:12 says " Samuel took a single rock and set it upright between Mizpah and Shen. He named it "Ebenezer" (Rock of Help), saying, "This marks the place where God helped us."


Just like marking places where you've seen the lord be provisional or helpful so I've been trying to do that in my life a lot lately. Trying to set up reminders of where God has been faithful so next time I freak out of doubt or whatever I do I have tangible reminders (besides you know, the bible) that God is good and faithful. Maybe I am alone in being this forgetful or whatever but I try to acknowledge God a lot to remember that he's around a lot. So this week's huge burst of provision was in the form of a job. After putting out 27 (not even exaggerating) applications in Boiling Springs, Shelby, and Gaffney I finally got a job. I'm a vet clinic assistant (not technician) so I walk and play with the dogs and cats and feed them and clean their cages and do dishes. Super glamourous job for a college graduate. But it's full time. and pays more than minimum wage. and i get to meow and make puppy paws as much as I want and its acceptable. When I was offered the job I kinda freaked out a lot lot lot and didn't want to take it thinking some more awesome job would come out of no where, which none have by the way... but I don't know why I freaked out. Then I listened to John Butler Trio a lot and they have a song called Better Than that i love a lot. 


All you want is
What you can't have
And if you just look around man
You see you got magic
So just sit back relax
Enjoy it while you still have it
Don't look back on life man and only see tragic

Because you could be better than that
Don't let it get the better of you
What could be better than now
Life's not about what's better than



and I decided that it really wasn't about trying to get a better than the vet job. This is what was literally given to me and it would of been silly not to take it. They are accommodating and awesome and I can work full time until CDH starts in august then go part time. Super perfect. So starting Monday I'll be wearing scrubs and crocs and playing with animals all day. Hilarious and great. So, this blog post and my gazillion of prayers of excitement and thanks is my ebenezer.  Thanks for everyone that prayed and asked and listened to me complain about not having a job. grateful for that in my life. 

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

summertime and the living's easy in boiling springs. my life is cozy and nice. my house is cozy and nice. katherine is sewing, elizabeth is grading papers, tiffany is studying for a spanish quiz and we are all really just watching 24. i'm reading about oshkosh b'gosh for an interview i have tomorrow.

the summer of fun is in full swing. i laugh a lot, i drink a lot of slushees, i don't set alarms in the morning, i go to bed late. i hang out with all my favorite people all the time. i roll around with kitty.

my roommates are gracious and gentle with me which my heart is grateful for. they are good at distracting me when i need distracting and listening well when i need them to listen well. grateful for this easy transition back into love and community.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

just went through all my old myspace messages (which is the most embarresing thing i've ever done maybe.) and found the first time i ever talked to jessica



Feb 1, 2006
jessica. says
ohhh, hey, hey. oh. oh. sweet. i'm adding you.
& chya, we should definitely talk. cat power & agsfb are glooorious.


----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Hannah (Picture) Paige
Date: Feb 1, 2006 6:20 PM

hey, i'm hannah, obviously and you are in like 0573067 of my classes. or maybe 2. but you seem like a hella cool kid and you like cat power& all girl summer fun band and that pretty much makes you amazing. we should talk sometime.



glad i was awkward and tried to impress her and glad she loved me. i only found one other message which is a bummer but...

jessica. says
hannah, i never ever ever ever ever look at bulletins, but i saw the 'attention' thing, and HEY, that's amazinly cool, and i love you.




:]









8)

:] yep.

she loved me. she was real and she loved me. i also found a message from her brother jake after she had her first tumor removed and before they knew she had cancer and the 
message was like she's doing great the surgery went great. which was hard to read. 

i just read my xanga (dang i keep getting cooler) and remembered this post

i heard paris hilton's song the stars are blind when i found out jessica had cancer and five years to live.
i heard yellow submarine by a band at liana gilb's graduation party when i found out she passed away.
i listened to paramore's cd Riot literally probably 50 times the day of the funeral.


si've since associated the songs The War by Melee, Life Run Deep by PW Gopal, and So Much Beauty in Dirt by Modest Mouse with jessica. 


just miss her. 

Friday, June 8, 2012

a lot of times this week i've been really upset and literally feel like my breath gets knocked out of me and i am not even crying just gasping for air because i think my heart stops beating when it realizes how sad i am. that just happened. i felt really okay yesterday and today about jessica stuff and had quiet times yesterday and today which hasn't happened in months and so that was a big deal and clearly yes i understand the correlation between doing those and having peace. i get it. and tonight was really fun. and i was trying to not think about it. so i did only a little bit. but i've had farther along by josh garrels on repeat all day. which kinda hurts my heart but its so good. and then i read my own old blog posts and missed colorado a lot. too much. then i got real upset. and now i write this blog post. i sent my housemates a message this morning about how this week was hard and they've all loved me really well through it. i just sent elizabeth a message telling her i was upset and she and tiff are out in the living room talking. i kind of just want to go to sleep because i have to wake up early to meet rory but i don't know.

Farther along we’ll know all about it 
Farther along we’ll understand why 
Cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine 
We’ll understand this, all by and by 


i better get to understand this some day. 

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

my first big moon since moving back east. it was a harvest moon too which you can't tell because of my phone picture but it was orange and huge and so pretty. the lord is good and gives me good moons clearly when i need them the most. this week is the sucky suck suck town week in my life. my best friend jessica died 5 years ago on saturday and her birthday is today and she should be 22 instead of 17. so that is sad. and i get sad. and i think about her every day and it sucks more than life every day but still just extra hard this time of year. and i'm still jobless which is okay but just gives me ample time to think and be sad and cry on front porches.

but, moons are good. and the moon is always round. one time on summer staff this guy graham told me this story (actually i found it online so i didn't butcher it) A 14 year old girl who was slowly decaying from cancer was asked by her family to keep a journal. When she died, they found a note that said: “The moon is round.” As they read your journal they learnt that she meant that even when you can only see a sliver of the moon, you still know it is round. In the same way, she knew that even though she couldn’t fully understand what was going on, that God was sovereign.


apparently the girl was from tennessee like graham but i don't know. i've always thought about that story and how much i like it and today how it would be a good idea for a tattoo, either just the phrase the moon is round or an actual moon) but it is good. 


#summeroffun is fun. my house is fun. i live with katherine, elizabeth, and tiffany right now and a little white kitty named kitty. there are 6 other houses in bs that my friends live in. becap (erica, hillary, sarah, haley, paige, brittney-they have a good porch that i love), casa blanca (chelsea, courtney, april, tera, rachel), white house (logan, saxon, bri, kenzie, ben, brittany) pirate house (jonathan and justus) and the dude ranch (jordan, josh, michael) so ive been on a lot of porches, a lot of bonfires, a lot of laughing and loving. doors are unlocked and porches are open. jonathan just walked in with his roo cup (kangaroo gas station has cups that you buy so you can get 25 cent refills all summer long on slushees or drinks. ahhhhhhhhh) and tiff is studying and katherine and i are eating popcorn and we are watching our favorite portlandia clips. i should be filling out job applications - currently have Golden Toe (sock company), osh kosh, crocs, banana republic, gap, adidas, dollar general, justice, and limited too. add those to the 20 places i applied yesterday. ugh ugh ugh. 


the moon is round. 

Sunday, June 3, 2012

(emily, shannon, zoe, me obvi)
i've spent the past like 36 hours with my best friends. and it was so good. we laughed so hard we cried, we broke stuff (emily.) we hugged a lot, we saw our best friend erin get married, we smoked good hookah, we snuggled, we took a lot of pictures, and we realized we are old. i've known zoe for 17 years. she is my oldest friend. besides sam. i've lived down the street from shannon my whole life and have known her since first grade. i've known emily since 6th grade even though she was weird and we weren't friends until sophomore year of high school. these girls know my heart and hold it and are tender with me. they've been through so many surgeries with me, emily saw me covered in blood once, they've seen me get a new face, they've seen me cry, and they've always laughed and encouraged me through it. we don't talk that much during school typically but we all know that we can come home on breaks and anyones porch/patio will be open for hanging and that we can laugh and spend all day with each other. i'm grateful for these incredible best friends and for having more laughs this weekend than i have in the past six months combined.

i am 12 days into being a married woman and i am finding more joy and more mourning than i expected. i changed my name last week and cri...