a lot of times this week i've been really upset and literally feel like my breath gets knocked out of me and i am not even crying just gasping for air because i think my heart stops beating when it realizes how sad i am. that just happened. i felt really okay yesterday and today about jessica stuff and had quiet times yesterday and today which hasn't happened in months and so that was a big deal and clearly yes i understand the correlation between doing those and having peace. i get it. and tonight was really fun. and i was trying to not think about it. so i did only a little bit. but i've had farther along by josh garrels on repeat all day. which kinda hurts my heart but its so good. and then i read my own old blog posts and missed colorado a lot. too much. then i got real upset. and now i write this blog post. i sent my housemates a message this morning about how this week was hard and they've all loved me really well through it. i just sent elizabeth a message telling her i was upset and she and tiff are out in the living room talking. i kind of just want to go to sleep because i have to wake up early to meet rory but i don't know.

Farther along we’ll know all about it 
Farther along we’ll understand why 
Cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine 
We’ll understand this, all by and by 


i better get to understand this some day.