Thursday, October 16, 2014

blogs i could have written but didn't this week :

what life is like having a sister to drive to the mall with
how i sat in 4 different doctors chairs in the past two weeks
how i was really really angry and cussed out god this week
what it means when i turn on she don't want nobody near by the counting crows really loud & on repeat.

life has been full and busy and hard and full of glory glimpses lately. glory in the form of birthdays, new friends, text messages, patio sunsets at hope, remembering that this life is TEMPORARY.

i am grateful that this life is temporary. praise the lord. as mad and angry and as many times as i used profanities at god this week i was gently and lovingly reminded that this isn't life. this is not eternity. this little busy earth is earth and not heaven. praise the lord. i read a quote this morning that said something about how when you get to heaven jesus is as excited as you are that you're finally there. it will be good. so good. there won't be braces in heaven. or broken jaws or periodontal disease. praise the lord. nurse friends won't be paranoid about ebola because there won't be a need for nurses and there won't be ebola. this is good. i do not know what heaven will be like so maybe i shouldn't speculate on what it won't be like but i have to take heart in that. i have to have hope that it won't be this hard forever. that this little broken body that has been through hell & back in 24 short years will always be broken and cause for tears. if i don't have hope in that then i may shrivel up from all the tears.

god does this god thing where he promises people things and they have hope in those promises and sometimes they die before those promises are fulfilled. but those hopes aren't in vain. i don't think its ever going to be easy to believe and hope for heaven when earth is here and hard and full of medical insurance companies and their hold music. but that's what its all about i think--keeping on and holding on to those glory glimpses and hopes that show up.

ps--if i am blasting she don't want nobody near by the counting crows you really should stay away. this song should indicate that really, i don't want nobody near and also i probably can't figure out or deal with life.

pps- having a sister to drive to the mall with on a saturday afternoon is really lovely and i'm sad that i missed out on this for 22-ish years but grateful i get it now.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

this week i've needed a little extra hope. i've found it in billboard signs that say hope, pictures sent to me from old friends reminding me there is hope even in the dumpsters, wearing my hope is real TWLOHA shirt, sitting in the sun watching gilmore girls in between classes, curbside crys, full moons, river walks, running up large hills, and everyone asking me if i am okay because i clearly do not look okay this week.

this week i've been reminding myself over and over that god knows me and loves me and cares about every detail of my life. that he knows funny things like if i'll have braces again. if they will be invisalign or not (i hope they are god). he still knows the friends i'll make in this town. he knows who will mentor me. he knows what i'll do in 18 months when i graduate grad school. these are things i've taken hope in this week.

this week i have not felt like fighting. usually i tell myself to choose joy and when it doesn't seem easy to choose to fight for it. this week i have been defeated and beat down and felt weary to the core. so i am not fighting. i am seeking. and sometimes seeking good treasure takes a long time. so i am slowly picking myself up and trying to not cry in front of professionals and strangers for the 20th time in one day and seeking little hopes. take heart friends, hope is around and its okay if you are too weary to fight. the lord is fighting for you and the holy spirit is groaning along with you. take time to seek and try to find hope because sometimes that is really all we can do.

i am 12 days into being a married woman and i am finding more joy and more mourning than i expected. i changed my name last week and cri...