tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16933055120906210532024-03-13T22:48:09.331-07:00it's all sunshine, nothing but sunshineHannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02598951030917602366noreply@blogger.comBlogger181125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1693305512090621053.post-11129375002422560552018-06-25T14:28:00.000-07:002018-06-25T14:28:00.498-07:00Why would I ever want to write a book? Who would ever want to read a book I wrote? the market right now is definitely oversaturated with christian women writing books all with their own truths to tell and vulnerabilities to expose. I say this lightly though because with each book I read about being brave and vulnerable and honest I continue to crave all those things. I don't think they are wrong or lying when they write these books. I don't think they are intentionally giving us breadcrumbs instead of a piece of bread but that is often how I'm left feeling. Don't get me wrong, these are women I appreciate and admire and many have podcasts that I listen to weekly. These women have virtually been in my home, car, on runs with me, laid in bed while I folded laundry, pulled weeds in the garden with me, and lived life in almost every capacity with me.<br />
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I've never written a book so I don't know how it goes. I don't know if anyone sets out to be 100% bold, out there, every secret exposed so that women know they are not alone. I don't know if publishers and editors quietly and swiftly cross things out. My friend Amanda attempted to get a book published once and like many other times in her life, was quickly told that her story was too much and too loud and too honest and too brash for the world. We were not physically together but even now thinking of her story my heart wants to break. Listen, she is loud and honestly one of the biggest personalities in the world and will probably be ridiculously famous one day and we can only hope that those publishers will remember her and feel real bad. But not for long because we are nice girls.<br />
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So, why would I want to write a book? 1) my life is pretty funny 2) every time I do write something someone somewhere says You should write a book 3) I'm only 28 years old but I've lived a lot of life. I literally just had to do the math and ask my husband and I'm 27, but maybe by the time anyone reads this I'll be 28! That sounds like a fine age to be. Also, once I fell down a manhole and got hit in the head with a dead bat (not the same day or even in the same hemisphere) so surely this is the kind of book you'd like to read.<br />
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I don't have an agenda. I have a lot of stories to tell. I have been thinking long and hard about themes in my life. I'm not sure there are many other than : I'm going to keep saying no to people who tell me I can't do things, I'm going to keep loving and pursuing Jesus all my days, I'm going to fight for honesty, I'm going to trust that the moon is always round, and I'm going to laugh a whole lot while I do it.<br />
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I don't know if this will be finished this year or in 5 years from now or when I'm 40 and have lived a lot more life. I don't know if it ever will be. I do know that I love writing and that it is taken a LOT in me to use commas and capital letters and mostly correct grammar. Surely I've done things wrong but maybe this will entice my friend Jan to read things I write. I even used paragraphs Jan!!<br />
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<br />Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02598951030917602366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1693305512090621053.post-59109290174943698062018-06-25T14:23:00.000-07:002018-06-25T14:44:33.427-07:00i just want to write down the goodness. i don't want to forget this time.<br />
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coming home the day we bought our house after painting all day, hot, sweaty, exhausted, giddy and over the moon and doing all over again the next day.<br />
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dancing to jolene in the low kitchen light on a friday night after having a date going to home depot to buy toilets for our house.<br />
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lazy sunday afternoons at the pool<br />
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summertime is so good for our souls. laughing longer, going to bed while the sun is still up. late weekend nights on the patio playing cards.<br />
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this season is very sweet. emily asked me today how life was and i said it was wonderful. i know just a month ago we were struggling. we were fighting all the time. every weekend included tears. you're so stressed out at work. buying a house was a lot more stressful than we anticipated. you were drinking and smoking often.<br />
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i asked if we could consider counseling. you asked if we could give it a month. you started trying harder and i did too. we communicated better. we said please thank you and i'm sorry more. you bought me bananas at the store because you were concerned i didn't have enough for the week. i come home and start supper when you have a late interview. i fold laundry every sunday or monday night. we get in bed happy and tired every night.<br />
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i walked up the stairs this weekend and thought wow i'm really enjoying brandon. its true when people talking about loving and liking someone. liking someone does not come naturally all the time. i love brandon always. i love him when we are having hard conversations. i love him in the tears. i love him because he's a lot quicker to apologize than i am. i love him because he is more full of grace than i am. i don't always like him though. but i am lately. i am really liking him and that feels so good.<br />
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matthew 11:28-30 in the message is so good<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 16px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 16px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">i'll show you how to take real rest. brandon is showing me this too. laying on the couch in the middle of a saturday afternoon reading a book. going to bed at 8 on a friday night to watch netflix. going for long walks saturday nights. we are learning unforced rhythms of grace in our marriage. in our hearts. in our home. i want this home to be a home of rest. i want us to live knowing that everything is actively being redeemed. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 16px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02598951030917602366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1693305512090621053.post-69836257309388472152018-06-25T14:22:00.002-07:002018-06-25T14:22:40.164-07:00became lawyers not lovers<br />
questioning, interrogating, giving stink eye adds to our darkness<br />
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we need kindness, listening ear, hold space for us, need the reminder that we are going to be ok<br />
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if love has an agenda it is no longer love. it seems like you're trying to be helpful but you're not. its easier for people to grow when they are loved and accepted not helped, fixed, or informed<br />
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being kind odes not mean you're enabling people it just means you're being kind<br />
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not everyone has to be on your side or see your point of view<br />
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the only destination we have is jesus' feet<br />
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expand your bandwidth for joy<br />
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i've been learning a lot about control lately. mostly about how much i crave it. back in 2009 in the smokey mountains of tennessee i learned how badly i crave and use (read: abuse) control. I've always known that I am a bit of a mastermind when it comes to guilt tripping, manipulation, and controlling. probably has something to do with being very catered to as a child due to ridiculous medical situations. I have a different direction for this blog so I don't want to go too far down that rabbit hole of my childhood and why I am the way I am. another story another day.<br />
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i've known about the enneagram for several years now. every single time i take the assessment i come back as a 2. as a social worker, being the helper, makes a lot of sense. i've gone back and forth between 2 and 8 a lot due to my overtly honest nature. what gets me every time is the not great qualities of the 2: neediness, guilt tripping, and manipulation. what a JOY i must be.<br />
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the need for control has reared its very ugly head lately. brandon has brought up my tendencies to nag and control. it is not my favorite thing in the world to be called out for the bad qualities i possess. especially ones that i have identified and worked hard to change. the work may never be done. this conversation sent me into a pretty bad anxiety attack spiral where all i felt like i could do is grasp tighter, control more, and continue to choke out the goodness and joy. luckily i have a very kind husband who is quick to bestow grace and understanding and compassion. all the while probably being wary of these tendencies i possess.<br />
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as i continue to process these things the biggest justification i have is: it is really out of love. it may be the mothering instinct in me. i don't know honestly. we continue to have conversations about money and food and work and all the little things in life that I want to control and somewhat can but mostly can't and I keep trying.Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02598951030917602366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1693305512090621053.post-50822674738156356962018-02-12T10:13:00.000-08:002018-02-12T10:13:20.519-08:00i am not a terrible wife. i am not a terrible wife. i am not a terrible wife. i have told myself this a lot in the past 18 hours. this is because i do indeed feel like a terrible wife. i know, really do know, that i am not a terrible wife though. i felt needy this weekend. i felt like brandon and i needed to spend time together since this past week after our honeymoon was busy and we were both sick and it didn't feel like a lot of quality time happened. several nights i read or watched tv in bed while he played video games. that happened some this weekend too. we didn't have many plans, which i love and hate simultaneously, and we spent majority of saturday afternoon apart and spent time with friends saturday night and i took a long walk sunday afternoon. all weekend i felt needy. i felt like i need more and more time with brandon since i felt like this past week wasn't full of quality time or quantity time. in scary close donald miller talks about how when dating his now wife she said i don't need quality time, i just need quantity time. when i read that statement its like my eyes were opened. someone finally put into words how i felt. i don't need quality date nights or extravagant adventures. i need quantity time. running errands together, sitting on the couch watching tv together, talking or not talking. this weekend i think the breakdown came in the quality/quantity. i needed both i think. brandon spent a lot of time playing video games, which he plays online with his best friend. so while i may be sitting across from him or next to him i feel totally isolated. he's got a headset on and is actively talking to someone else, focused on something else, and not easily distracted. to me that doesn't feel like quality or quantity time. i think to him it does. we were in the same room, probably on the same couch, and i was probably reading or playing candy crush next to him. sunday night when we were talking about our weekends he snapped a little (understandably so, and not even in a mean way) and said he felt annoyed that i kept telling him we weren't spending time together when he felt like we were and felt like he wanted to just relax and that every moment didn't have to involve a conversation or meaningful time together. he agreed that he understood how i felt while he played video games. and i agreed that i came across as a nice version of smothering.<br />
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then i laid in bed next to him and cried a bit. because i think all this comes from real deep seated fears of insecurity. i have been feeling like i have no idea why brandon would want to be married to me. we spent our honeymoon in mexico and were surrounded by people all over the world and everyone was very kind and we had an amazing time. but, i felt bad for brandon. i felt bad that he was married to a wife who just stared at him across the dinner table at amazing restraunts every lunch and dinner because i couldn't eat. i felt bad that i felt nervous talking to other couples because i always don't want people to feel awkward if they can't understand me. i felt bad that i got sick due to a lack of sleep and food one day. and all these insecurities mean i feel like this could never be true or good or have longevity. as if brandon will wake up one day and see my face and realize that he could do better. (update: he has in fact seen my face, and this has yet to happen. very certain that it won't ever happen but these types of things have deep roots) even last night brandon said hannah you're the perfect wife for me. and i said no and he said yes. you are. brandon is so good at calming my insecurities, without me even verbalizing them. i mean, obviously my neediness came out in full swing this weekend and so maybe he just knew that i was feeling insecure and the by product was me being clingy. (or, and this is stupidly shocking to me, God gave us good good gifts in each other, because he is a God of good good gifts. and brandon is perfect for me. and i am perfect for him. thanks God.) he may be that in tune. or, maybe, he really does just love me. and we both agreed we have things to work on. and communicate better about. and we are still trying to figure out schedules and time and what the other person needs. part of it i think is due to still being very estatic that after 1.5 years of being apart i'm still really jazzed that we ge to be together. and we have fun together. and i love spending time with him. but, i think another part is insecurity coming out in unhealthy ways.<br />
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so, i am not a terrible wife. i am trying. i am praying. i pray a lot, every day at 8:48 to be precise, for brandon and our marriage. i don't think i have prayed for myself in our marriage since we were engaged. i don't have it all together. i don't know that i would say i do, but i think that i spend a lot of time focusing on praying for brandon and praying for our marriage and neglecting myself in that (i'm just now accepting that i'm an enneagram 2 so bare with me). every morning i brush my teeth and read this devotional called heart of the matter and i opened it this morning and the first sentence said "you are hard to love too. understanding this is the start of learning to love difficult people...God doesn't love you because you make a wonderful addition to his family, he loves you in spite of what you are like. through his love for you he changes you, to be like himself. he makes you lovely, even though you didn't start out lovely. you need exactly the same things from God, grace mercy, kindness, and welcome, that others need from you." and carried on. and i laughed at God (with God I think) because yup. i am. i am hard to love. but not unloveable. and also, not a terrible wife. just a wife who is in need of, and very thankful for grace upon grace upon grace.Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02598951030917602366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1693305512090621053.post-90519000446534690232017-10-12T05:10:00.001-07:002017-10-13T07:16:06.063-07:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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i am 12 days into being a married woman and i am finding more joy and more mourning than i expected. i changed my name last week and cried for four hours about it. when i come home on my lunch breaks and its just the dogs and i, sometimes i cry. i've been trying to process these feelings and talk to friends who are often better at processing things than i am and i have been met with resounding "me too's" which i think are the most beautiful words we can ever hear.<br />
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i am now certain that mourning is ok in the beginning of marriage but i am also certain that no one really talks about it unless prompted (this is based off several google searches...the least helpful was of a blog post a girl wrote about her first week of marriage and how it was the ultimately happy perfect week of her life...she was also on her honeymoon which i have not had yet so i do imagine if i was blogging from a beach somewhere not fresh from the soul sucking social security office and DMV i may feel otherwise too). my sweet friend is engaged right now and she just begun premarital counseling and she taught me the term "leaving and cleaving", which i had never heard. she talked about how you leave and cleave (to split apart) your own family and forge your new family with your partner together. she talked about how this concept was hard for her and she had to process leaving a family she was very tied to. i had never heard this term or thought about it much, but now that i have i think this is certainly another thing to mourn. another friend talked about how she cried when she gave her spare car key to her husband and not her dad, realizing that her new husband was the one who would be taking care of her from now on. these are all such good things, and i think we are quick to celebrate them, but people, let's mourn what we are losing. the mourning doesn't take away from the good things that are being created and knit together.<br />
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another friend and i were talking about my feelings this week and some thoughts spilled out of me. i think i am having a hard time processing all THIS (marriage, wedding, new husband, new name) because i honest to God never thought it would happen. this is not at all self-deprecating and i have proof from so many people in my life that they thought and believed otherwise for me. i'm not someone who dreamt of their wedding. i got a pinterest like three weeks ago to look up recipes. i never once got on it for wedding stuff. i remember one conversation i had with my mama in the grocery store when i was little and we talked about weddings and i told her that i was going to have an orange wedding dress and orange cake because it was my favorite color. praise the lord no one let me follow through on that. i never dreamed of a certain type of man or a certain house. if you asked my people what my life plans were most would tell you i was adamant about owning an RV and never owning a house because owning a house requires a lot of STUFF to put in the house and that i was ok chasing adventure forever. i'm fiercely independent. that's not to say i didn't want to be with someone, i did, but i never imagined the outcome being a bride and a wife. really, i didn't imagine this would happen for me. when i swiped on brandon on tinder i did not think oh hm this is my future husband that someday i will share a bank account and dishes with.<br />
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i heard this quote yesterday and it changed me. "<span style="background-color: white; color: #4e4a41; font-family: "questrial" , "arial" , "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #4e4a41; font-family: "questrial" , "arial" , "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">if you don't mourn whatever story you had originally written, you're not going to be able to create a new one." </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">chrissy kelly. i had written a story of deep friendships, having monthly goals to try new things, spending at most $100 on groceries a month, forging my path in the world and making a difference on my own. this quote realized it really was ok to give myself permission to mourn the old story and do the hard work of creating a new one. and whew, i am so grateful i get to create it with brandon. he's so patient and kind and i know the physical things of </span>our marriage are the same as our not marriage, living together, dishes, groceries, but the other night we were talking about how different it really is. how different it just feels, like tectonic plates underfoot shifting (not the earthquake kind, but the change of things that until you take stock of differences you may not have noticed). how we are already differently making decisions, as one & as a family now. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;">so friends, marriage is really beautiful and fun but there is some mourning to do too. and i'm giving myself the grace to do so. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;">ps--i believe this quote applies to EVERYTHING in life, so give yourself the grace to mourn. after the hard things and after the joyful things. the new relationships, the new jobs, the new babies, the marriages, the movings, all the changes. and give yourself the grace to tell Jesus deeply and loudly the mourning feelings and the joy. this week i've been reading psalm 51 and i am so in love with the verse 8 that says Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have broken rejoice. i am certainly not a theologian and haven't looked any of this up but when i read that verse it also gives me permission to mourn and rejoice. i take it to mean that God is the one that breaks the bones-the hard </span>things, the sin, the crap in our lives, but he is also the one who gives us permission to carry on after the hard breaking of them. we are allowed to rejoice after those hard things get broken and put aside. God wants us to continue the gladness and joy. he's like, yeah-these things-these bones, are hard and maybe bad or not great but let me break them for you and release you and then let's get on with the celebrating. so, i am letting my bones of the story i had originally written for myself break, and then the creating of new stories and rejoicing will continue. (if you are a theologian and my interpretation of this is 1000% wrong, feel free to tell me and tell me what it really means, i'm down to learn new things but i may still hold onto my interpretation because right now i like it a lot).Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02598951030917602366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1693305512090621053.post-21264370506107946722017-09-17T16:41:00.003-07:002017-09-17T16:41:16.356-07:00as more time goes on i (obviously) am noticing more things brandon and i disagree on. not that i ever thought we were in agreement on everything in life because that's a hard no, but just little things that i notice day to day. it's not like i've ever been married before or lived with a partner before so it's all just new to me. brandon is really good at reminding me that we are in this together and that he is always down to talk, even if i am not. thus, me sitting on my back patio with the dogs writing this blog because i needed to write to process it. he knew i was feeling funky but i wasn't ready to talk. i'm not even mad. this isn't a fight. it's just a-hmm i thought we agreed on these things but we don't. brandon asked tonight if he could get a credit card just for gas to improve his credit score for when we want to buy a house. we've done dave ramsey. we agreed we'd never have a credit card. i felt weirdly hurt and betrayed that he would even ask me to get a credit card. that was something i thought we'd never do because we were so against it and against credit as a thing to define us.<br />
or like, i thought it was common knowledge that you use a dish and you wash it. or use the dishwasher. but no, brandon would leave all his dishes in the sink for a week if he wanted to/could. (to be fair he washed all his dishes all day today in a timely manner which is pretty impressive without even having a reminder)<br />
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it's so interesting to me how engrained things are in my mind from my family or lived experiences that i never really realized before. dinner at the table instead of in front of the tv. dishes being done before bed. shoes put in the shoe basket. clothes in the hamper. wet towels hung up. taking out the trash when throwing out rotten food. i'm sure brandon has a list equally as long.<br />
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i've felt a lot like martha from the mary and martha story in luke. i'm all about opening up my home and filling it with love and people and dogs but then i miss out on things because i'm so concerned about the dishes in the sink. my friend chelsea was in town last weekend and i see her like twice a year and she's my best friend and she was eating pizza with brandon in the living room and i was doing dishes. to be fair, we were both tired and i don't think she at all held it against me. chelsea- did you? text me. brandon has been good at reminding me that it really will be ok. that the dishes in the sink won't cause life to end and that we will be ok as a couple. i know that when i go inside or when he comes out here and we talk about the credit card thing he will tell me it'll be ok. and it will. and i know he wants to get a credit card because he wants to help his credit. i have fine credit and when we talked to a loan broker if we did everything in my name we would be golden and approved for a half million dollar loan (what? yes. i can't even handle it. side note: we would NEVER take that much money.) and so i think maybe sometimes brandon feels like he isn't providing for us. before we joined our bank accounts honestly he was always owing me money. and $20 here or there adds up. before we combined our accounts he owed me $600. and i'm sure that sucks. and i don't even want to think about/dwell on our current financial situation because we are very much anticipating october. the month the wedding ends, our birthdays end, and we don't have to spend tons of extra money on things. we will feel rich i think. i can't even imagine how much more my parents feel this sentiment. we are so grateful.<br />
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so listen. joining lives together is hard. joining bank accounts together is hard. but we keep telling each other that we are so grateful to do things together. that makes things so much better. and we are grateful.Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02598951030917602366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1693305512090621053.post-53742280657829104942017-08-08T05:19:00.001-07:002017-08-08T05:19:15.668-07:00i think life is a little hard right now. i have felt more materialistic than i maybe ever have. pretty much daily i am buying something, or selling something old. i am trying hard to make this little house a home. i want things to be nice. i want to decorate how i want to, because i never really have. i scour craigslist and Facebook groups for sales. i buy furniture only to flip it and sell it for more the next day. i'm not sure why. i look on zillow at houses to buy, even though that's not our plan right now. i look at cars to buy, even though mine is perfectly fine (minus only having AC every other time i drive it--i don't want to talk about it).<br />
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i have been listening to jen hatmakers podcast about girlfriends and i have been longing for girlfriends. i feel like i have less community now than i ever have. a lot of that is my own doing. brandon moved in three months ago and i just love him a lot. we see friends but car situations and driving situations are weird right now so we end up doing a lot of things together. i feel guilty/honestly a lot of times i don't want to leave him when i come home from work to hang out with friends. that's the only time of day i see him and i love cooking dinner for or with him and taking the dogs for a walk. i think i still operate under the same rules i did when we dated long distance and our time was limited. i need to be ok missing him for a few hours at night because i get to see him every other night forever. it is hard to let go of that. he really is just really great and fun to hang out with.<br />
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a few weeks ago we had just gotten our new dog riley. we took both dogs for a walk and came home and watered our garden and turned the compost pile and got the clothes off the clothesline. and i teared up. i love this little life we are building together. it's simple. dogs and cooking and trying to be frugal and growing our own food and trying to waste less. i cried telling brandon this and then a bird pooped on his shoulder and he ruined my sentimental moment. also, i laughed a lot at the bird poop.<br />
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we argue more than i'd like. we are learning each other. dating, especially dating long distance didn't mean we didn't fight. it did mean though that we'd have a limited time to resolve them and we probably didn't always get to the root of the issue or the why behind how we felt. we just soothed each other to the point that we could say goodbye for another two weeks and not leave upset or questioning. now we actually have time to talk about the whys of our discontentment or anger or tears. and how to actually change or fix things going forward. this means a lot of communicating about how we communicate. me telling him what i need to hear in the moment. we are both really logical and self aware and so if i'm upset i don't need to hear logic. i probably already have that covered. i do need to be told that my feelings are still real and valid, no matter how illogical they may be. then we can talk about logic. he needs to not be interrupted. he needs to be asked to do things in a gentle way. he needs to be responded to calmly when he asks a question (even if i feel he should know or could easily find out the answer).<br />
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i am more and more grateful every day for the marriages i've gotten first row seats to. zach and ashley in cdh, brandon and leigh ann, noah and megan. i am so grateful. i am so grateful for christine being very honest about her fights with her husband.<br />
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i try to be honest with my friends about where i am. about our fights. about what we are learning. about whats working or not working. i told them the other day that i believe i've done a lot of hard things in life but marriage might be the hardest. we are trying. i called him this morning because i had a bad dream about us and he is good at saying hannah i am here i love you i'm not mad at you and i'm never going anywhere. and that is good.Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02598951030917602366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1693305512090621053.post-50634403548638890502017-03-31T12:06:00.001-07:002017-03-31T12:06:53.334-07:00<div style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: small;">
dear little body of mine, </div>
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whew. i love you. i try to tell you i love you every day. i try to tell you i love you within the first two steps of my run because it is actually amazing to me that you can run at all. every doctor ever told me i shouldnt ever run. actually, every doctor ever told me i shouldn't be alive. but that is too much to unpack for one letter.</div>
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this letter is about my 102 pound body. it is small. my hands are nearly child sized. but, despite all the negative words, i do love my little body. but little body, right now you are broke as hell. and i'm sorry for that. but also, needing you to be healed soon. </div>
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my insides are literally falling apart. nearly every organ is messed up. which, if you think about it, is actually pretty amazing that my little body can be so synchronized that it fails in unison. i digress. little body, please stop failing me. i eat healthy. i see a chiropractor weekly, i exercise, i soak in vitamin D and even recently have started using sunscreen. I'm just trying to do all the things i want to do, adventurous and mundane, and you are making that pretty difficult. </div>
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i'm not sure what you need. i'm not sure if you need medicine, if you need voodoo medicine, if you need a vacation, if you need a swift kick in the pants, or what. let a sister know. i'll do what i can to take care of you better. i'll do whatever you want. i am doing the best i can though. we've come 26 years together, surely you want to hold on quite a bit more time? </div>
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little body of mine, i'll try to listen to you more and continue telling you i love you. but please don't fail me now. </div>
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love, </div>
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your concerned and sick owner</div>
Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02598951030917602366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1693305512090621053.post-45649563061367441622017-03-28T15:02:00.001-07:002017-03-28T15:02:12.427-07:00here is a secret. part of me actually likes fighting with my fiancé. before you get your panties in a wad hear me out. Brandon and I rarely fight. I am SURE this will change and we are soon to spend all of our days together and surely things will occur. we have been dating 15 months and engaged for 10 days. while dating we had honestly probably 2 fights. one knock out drag out fight, and another where I got mad and we talked about it and it was over. for the first six months of dating we didn't fight. at all. literally. and i would talk to my friends and say "i want Brandon and I to fight." and they'd look at me like I had three heads which you may be looking at your screen right now and thinking the same thing.<br />
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here is why: I wanted to see how we would fight. Would we yell? Would we listen well? Would we be honest about things? Would things come out in fights that we had been holding in and building resentment about without ever expressing them until the lid came off the pot and we fought? Would we seek forgiveness? Would we need space? Would he push me to tell him what was wrong when I inevitably said "nothing" when asked?<br />
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I'm not always great at sharing my feelings. I'm really great at being honest until I actually feel hurt about something. Then I close up like a little clam. My poor family knows the struggle of my silent treatments, refusing to actually acknowledge hurtful things. I've tried hard to get better at letting people in in the moment. The first time we fought I remember driving around in silence with Brandon, who surely did not actually know why I was mad or refusing to talk, but who has always been very gracious and patient in all things. I remember him saying something to the effect of "ok yeah you can be mad but when we get to (insert destination here) we need to talk about this." He gave me space but also acknowledged what needed to happen without me even telling him that's what I needed.<br />
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This weekend (7 days after getting engaged) we had a huge fight. The subject of the fight mattered in the moment, but it doesn't matter now. What does matter now is that Brandon listened really well, he apologized, and he gave me a real plan of how to change the situation, he gave me endless words of affirmation, and at the end of it all when I was feeling worn out, sad, and semi sheepish for how I handled things, he gave me constant reassurance that it was all ok and that it was going to continue to be ok. He gave me space to be honest about what hurt me. At one point I could tell he was super frustrated with me and he could have easily reacted poorly but he didn't. I don't mean any of this patronizingly like oh pat on the head good boy Brandon. All this to say, we fought really well. Yes, he did something that hurt me, VERY unintentionally and indirectly, but we fought well. Through my tears, through him letting me verbally process why things hurt me so badly, and through holding me tightly.<br />
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I'm CLEARLY no saint (see above paragraph) and I am sadly certain that I am going to hurt Brandon way worse than he hurt me on Sunday. I don't want to ever hurt him but I reckon it'll happen. I am hopeful and pray that I will have as much grace as he has shown me.<br />
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Brandon is also really good at carrying on with life. Yeah, it sucked to fight on Sunday but he didn't dwell on it (that I know of...). Without this blog probably a month from now we wouldn't even remember it. Similar to how I can't recall all the details of the other 2 fights we've had. We are good at choosing love and joy and are so excited about our lives together that we aren't trying to live in the crap times. When asked how my weekend was yesterday by my best pal Sarah in passing I said Brandon and I had a fight and she said unless it was funny or very important to our relationship I didn't need to tell her about it because it is over and we are ok. And that is very good advice.<br />
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So, fighting sucks, and it is hard and sad but also can be really great to see how you and your person react and carry on in love in the midst of it all.Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02598951030917602366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1693305512090621053.post-50893011874245283712017-03-14T10:01:00.000-07:002017-03-14T10:01:03.956-07:00about a month ago brandon and started a little vegetable garden. i told my friends and family i was very nervous about this. i'm not too good with plants. like i killed an aloe plant after a year and those you should not be able to kill that easily. brandon was president of his future farmers of america club in high school so he assured me he wouldn't lead me or our plants astray. i should also note that the whole month of february was like 70 degrees so we were pretty stoked about this and confident winter had melted away.<br />
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we planted them in 30 little pots, spinach, hot peppers, green peppers. then brandon left. like i said, that was almost a month ago and i still text him every day asking him what to do. is it too cold, is it too hot, should i water them, what if it rains and i watered them, are they ok, why are they flopping over are they dying why haven't they all germinated yet? he's very patient and kind and answers all my questions.<br />
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i have started referring to them as my babies. because, clearly i'm insane. and again, brandon is very patient and does not remind me that these are not really babies he just goes with it. i bring them and in outside every day and water them and tell them i love them. if i'm having a bad day at work i come home at lunch and sit on my patio with them and love them and they make me feel better.<br />
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yesterday at the end of my work day i looked out the window and it was snowing and i literally yelled MY BABIES and grabbed my bag and ran out the door. (have i mentioned that i'm clearly insane). i sped home and got my little plants inside. they looked happier than normal actually i think they liked the snow a bit. it was only like 10 minutes so it was new for them. aww babies first snow!!<br />
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this morning i was making breakfast and they were sitting in their boxes on top of my washer and dryer and i told them that they should be grateful that they are allowed to come inside when it is cold out because there is a lot of really sad daffodils outside right now all droopy and sad because it has been below freezing the past few nights. so i told them to shape up and be grateful for what they have. as if they care because really they are plants hannah, they are plants.<br />
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but then i told myself the same thing. that i needed to be grateful for things. because gratitude changes everything. so, today i am grateful for these little plant babies and that they teach me funny lessons and i am grateful for everyone who doesn't make fun of me for talking to my little plants and telling them that i love them.Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02598951030917602366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1693305512090621053.post-87299675958499857322017-02-28T17:01:00.000-08:002017-02-28T17:03:00.700-08:00i'm cheating. i was supposed to write 4 blogs this month and i've felt very uninspired. so today on the last hours of february jan told me to talk about simple joys. so here it is.<br />
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it is the last day of february and it is 72 out which is my favorite temperature. i'm laying in bed with the windows open and i am a happy little clam. february was a month of frustration and pain, lots and lots and lots of pain, but also really great weekends with brandon, laughing until i cried with two of my best friends that i've known since elementary school, getting to snuggle and watch a lot of golden girls with my favorite puppy, playing games with noah and megan, hiking some mountains (at the gym and in person), starting a very real real budget, got approved to continue living in my little cozy house with brandon (!!!!), and continuing to live life with a lot of my favorite women in richmond and in boiling springs and beyond.<br />
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i've realized some hard truths about myself and relationships, i've reconciled old relationships, i've held hands with my favorite baby A LOT, i've shopped at costco more and the grocery store less, i've sat in parked cars and had conversations that are easier to have in the dark, i've taken victory in running 1 mile at a time, i've planted a vegetable garden, i've taken to sitting on my back porch steps in the morning and soaking in the sun and time with jesus, i've cried a lot of happy tears, i've apologized, i've had my heart grow three sizes with love for brandon, i've read 5 books, i've gone to the gym surprisingly consistently, i've tried to listen more and talk less.<br />
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today i read a quote that is honestly changing my life. i sent it to chelsea and kept going back to the text and rereading it for myself as my life was changing before my eyes. glennon melton doyle (wombach?) posted a quote today that she got form someone else that said " if you're going to share share from your scars not from your open wounds" and that is good. oh so good. so good. keep re-reading it and post it on all your mirrors and write it on your heart. i know i am.<br />
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<br />Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02598951030917602366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1693305512090621053.post-32576475900350901032017-02-22T09:59:00.002-08:002017-02-22T09:59:17.387-08:00i've been thinking about eating lately. mostly about the lack of eating i do. i'd venture to say all like 3 of you who read my blog know that i can't swallow food so i don't eat much. i chomp on stuff and taste things but for all intents and purposes (is that the saying) i don't eat food. this freaks people who do eat food (everyone else) out a bit. and i am trying to replace my I'm sorry's with thank you's lately so instead of apologizing for freaking you out i'll say thank you for your concern. growing up i never thought much about it. my mom packed me snacks in my lisa frank lunch box. i sat at the dinner table with my whole family every night. some nights i'd try things but most of the time i sat with an empty placemat in front of me. it never bothered me. it still doesn't but i feel much more aware of it lately.<br />
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brandon and i have been talking about love languages a lot lately and about how we give and receive love. brandon is a really great cook and loves cooking and loves cooking for people. if we are honest, i haven't been feeling tangibly loved by him lately and as we were talking about it this weekend i realized something. brandon would LOVE to cook for me. he'd enjoy trying new things and sharing new recipes and cooking me breakfast and take me out to dinner with him on taco tuesdays. he'd love to buy me drinks at the bar on saturday nights. but he can't. and this obviously isn't news to him he's known since day 1 i couldn't swallow but i think we are still in a learning curve. don't get me wrong, brandon shows me love in a lot of other ways, and is really great, but cooking is definitely one of his strengths and he can't love me that way. so, we learn and we figure out other ways for him to use his talents to love me and for me to use my talents to love him.<br />
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i had a conversation with one of my best friends yesterday about eating out. she is trying to spend less money going out and is sad she can't go out as much anymore. to her going out is a good source of conversation, community, sharing meals and stories with friends around a table. i agreed that those things were all true but she could enjoy it without actually spending money. (hello free chips and salsa and water and breadsticks). she lamented that she'd miss out on things. i told her i didn't feel like i was missing out on things by not eating out. no one HAS to eat out. i still have a great life without tabs open at bars or ordering another round of wings. for a minute i felt a little sting like maybe i was really missing out on something. but then she said well you're an exception hannah and i can learn to be an exception too. she and our other friends have always been so gracious to me and other friends on diets or training plans or budgets who bring their own trail mix into restaurants. so i have hope that she can embrace this little area of sacrifice and we can drink a lot of water and eat a lot of free chips together.<br />
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hear this though, i understand the community. i understand the breaking of bread together and how that brings people together. i understand cooking as an organic thing that can bond people together. i am certain things shared over time spent lingering at the dinner table are meant to be shared there and not other places. i am grateful that there is always a seat at the table for me and for my family and friends always inviting me along and getting past the awkwardness and embracing the larger spirit of community and looking beyond split checks<br />
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<br />Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02598951030917602366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1693305512090621053.post-89692529151317330342017-01-31T18:39:00.000-08:002017-01-31T18:39:06.048-08:00today i walked out of a spin class at my gym after 8 minutes. i had a goal for the month of going to 2 spin classes. i didn't do that. mostly because i didn't schedule them out well and because i have a giant spleen and because...i just didn't. so today i was going to try. today after being dehydrated due to being on the toilet literally for 4 hours due to barium injections, having an IV, having a CT scan and working 8 hours. i figured it was a good time to try a new exercise you know. so i got there, didn't register because i didn't know how, sat on a bike, asked both my neighbors and instructor for help getting the bike adjusted to me and no one helped me. so i started pedaling and apparently there is a new thing in spin classes for EVERYONE to see how fast you're going and to be called out for not going fast enough. so my bike wasn't adjusted right so i couldn't go fast and i'm clearly not in that great of shape and no one would help me. so i picked up my bag and walked out. which is actually kinda a funny thing to do looking back. but i'm proud of myself. so i went and sat on a stationary bike and put it on a hard track and pretended to ride up mountains and told my friends i had walked out of a spin class and laughed about it. then i started crying. on a stationary bike. in the middle of the gym. clearly today i am not capable of acting like a normal human.<br />
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i cried because i so desperately want to do things with my little body and i can't. i wanted to start training for a marathon this month and i can't. i want to run every day and work out and be high energy. and i can't. i'm anemic and my spleen is 4x the size it should be. it would be like maybe understandable or something less surprising maybe if this was like WOW VERY ABNORMAL. but its not. yesterday i was texting a friend and she was amazed that all this was going on and i literally laughed and was like oh no big surprise just another crazy part of my life. not surprised.<br />
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but it still blows. the other day i was running and literally blood was pouring out of the hole where my feeding tube is in my stomach. and i laughed and thought wow wouldn't it be cool if when i was running all i had to deal with was like cramps and shortness of breath like everyone else? how neat that would be! i would literally be like a multi marathon runner. probably not i'm kinda lazy, but it would be so great! instead i get stomach acid and blood ruining all my clothes.<br />
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all this is a lot of complaining. i get that. but sometimes i forget that it's ok to talk about the hard things. that even though honestly 99.999999999999999% of the time i don't ever think that i'm different or that my life is different it is. and not bad. so many good things about my life. i'm about to go to sleep and i'm still eating 4th meal. because i can eat and sleep. praise jesus hallelujah.<br />
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my best pal mary reminded me this weekend that actually when i am hurt i have a hard time with it. i'm good at being honest, i'm good at knowing how i feel but when i'm ACTUALLY hurt or scared or have been hurt by someone i have a really hard time with it. so i get defensive and sarcastic and sassy and apathetic and blah blah blah instead of dealing with it. today i got frustrated with brandon for probably 29 things that he did or didn't do. instead of just saying hey i know i've told you how bad my pain is a lot lately but today it is bad and i had to go to the hospital by myself and that is scary and hard for me and so i need a little extra kindness and grace and love. instead i used a lot of periods in my text messages (a sure sign i'm upset haha) and was a grouch.<br />
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tonight i was reminded that hard things should come back to grace and truth. grace and truth. grace and truth. they go together. so this is a little truth. and maybe you have a little grace. and next time you'll speak truth to me and i'll remember to respond with a little grace too.Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02598951030917602366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1693305512090621053.post-33187180220169675292017-01-08T06:09:00.002-08:002017-01-08T06:09:32.757-08:00<span style="background-color: white;">i know the new year is already one week old so this post is late but i've been busy and marinating on it and so here it is. i've been praying since december 31st that the Lord would help bring things to my mind from 2016 so i could reflect on them. a lot of things happened. i got my masters degree, i got a really great real job after months of struggling and applying to 100+ jobs, i moved into a new house, i started dating brandon, i was told i might have cancer (i don't). i have a spleen 3x its normal size, i read a lot of books, i drove more miles than i probably ever had before, i spent two whole weeks at the beach, i joined a gym, i started listening to more podcasts. but, as i continued thinking and praying i was sitting in church last sunday and reading through past journal entries and came to this one dated 1.3.16 </span><br />
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<span class="verse-15" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Goals for 2016- go from heartbreak valley into acres of hope. </span></span></div>
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<span class="verse-15" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">i had another goal of writing 52 letters to friends. i wrote 1. so let's not focus on that. but really, at that time i was in heartbreak valley. i had seriously dated a guy and got my heart absolutely broken and was searching still for the wrong thing. i had a sticky note everywhere i went that had the phrase heartbreak valley into acres of hope. i was praying that the Lord would lead me there. I don't know where the sticky notes went or when I stopped feeling like i was in heartbreak valley but last sunday when i was sitting in church and found that page in my journal i started to cry. because ya'll, the Lord did it. I feel 1000% in acres of hope. I sent my mama a text yesterday morning because Brandon was making breakfast and I was snuggled on the couch and it was snowing so hard and it was so good and so perfect and she said "you sound so happy!" and i said YES I AM!! this is acres of hope. </span></span></div>
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<span class="verse-15" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">things are not perfect, work is hard, i was kinda sick all last week, life is changing and some days really sady and other days really perfect. but, I am setting this up as an Ebenezer - a place where the Lord showed up, because he did. I prayed incessantly that I'd move from Heartbreak Valley to Acres of Hope and I did. & I am so grateful. </span></span></div>
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Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02598951030917602366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1693305512090621053.post-19656759793838037672016-12-01T18:41:00.000-08:002016-12-01T18:41:02.532-08:00i've always been pretty good at imagining the worst. at freaking myself out. at believing pretty outrageous lies. at going from 0-worst case scenario real quick. i was thinking about this today as i was driving and trying to think of examples. one of the oldest examples i thought of was one night i went upstairs to my room and swore on my little life that there was someone in my room throwing things around. somehow a burglar had entered through my second story window (or better yet, the attic) and was just in my room throwing toys around. i had gone upstairs and seen a shadow of something bouncing around but nothing was making noise. i went downstairs and told my dad that someone was in my room. clearly my dad knew better than i did and sent Sam upstairs with me to show me that clearly I was wrong. well, i was. turns out the thing i saw bouncing around was a balloon i had tied to my desk chair and it was bouncing around due to my ceiling fan being on. clearly not a man throwing toys around. a balloon. but i was 100% convinced. i wasn't scared, just very confident in my assessment of the situation.<br />
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fast forward probably 20 years later and i'm still like this. i can immediately think of the worst case scenerio and live in that. i don't even really get scared from it, i just am very sure of what i think is happening. in brazil often i would lay in bed and hear gunshots and fireworks (which sound VERY similar ok) and literally convince myself almost every night that i was going to die. that they were going to hop over the probably 30 foot gate with broken glass and razor wire and come straight for my little house and kill me. sometimes i'd be scared but most of the time i'd just say well, ok this is it. i couldn't call anyone or tell anyone but nearly every night i was convinced that this situation was going to unfold.<br />
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i get so sure of myself in these moments. i'm stubborn and adamant that these worst case things are bound to happen because i just convince myself of them. brandon often tells me i have to chill before i give myself a heart attack.<br />
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my senior year of college i remember sitting in my dorm room i shared with chelsea and i was unpacking medical supplies. it was a sunday night and my parents called me like they usually did. i can't remember if it was my mom or dad that told me my sister megan had cancer. i sat on top of those cardboard boxes in shock and disbelief. for some reason after that the rest of the fall and winter i was terrified to drive. i constantly thought i was going to die. these thoughts weren't suicidal, i didn't want to die i just could constantly envision all the ways i could. getting hit, hitting a guardrail, merging into another car, etc. gruesome thoughts. i was convinced every time i got in the car that something bad was going to happen. i listened to sodom south georgia by iron and wine a lot that fall because jon myer played sat open mic night and i remember sitting on the curb outside the coffee shop and being so paralyzed with fear. fear that my sister would die. fear that i would die. a few weeks later chelsea invited me on a date. she covered a table in the coffee shop upstairs with a sheet and had sparkling grape juice for me. we caught up on life and i told her all these things. i hadn't told anyone else and i was having a hard time processing them. i confess, i don't remember what she said but she's good at asking questions and being tough and loving and knowing my heart well. she's always been there to remind me i'm not alone in anything and i'm so grateful.<br />
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somehow the fear to drive subsided for over a year. i lived in colorado and almost drove off mountains all the time and was never scared. then back in boiling springs in the spring of 2013 i was driving home from work and had a panic attack while driving. the fear returned. the same thoughts ran through my head every day while i drove. what if this happened, what if this happened, what would i do if this happened. again, i never had any desire to act on these thoughts my mind would just constantly race from the time i turned my key in the ignition to when i got out of the car. i had to tell people about the panic attack and the things i had been panicking about and i think the fear went away.<br />
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it returned a little this week and i'm not sure why. i think partially its because my car has had 99 problems and they all bad and i had a tire blow out recently and now i'm scared constantly that my car is just going to explode.<br />
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i don't have any neat way to wrap this up. i pray a lot in these fears. i laid in my bed every night in brazil asking jesus to keep me safe from the people with guns and from snakes and tarantulas and scorpions. i pray while i drive that these thoughts get out of my head. and i trust that they will. maybe they will come back. but that's just where i am in life right now.Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02598951030917602366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1693305512090621053.post-79690297279608800092016-11-29T14:47:00.001-08:002016-11-29T14:47:08.866-08:00i've been wanting to write. i have a list of blogs i want to write. some of them include : what is wrong with christians these days, how i got really freaked out in my relationship last week, the funny things being the mother of a hedgehog teaches me, the ever popular topic of disability, remembering that new jobs are hard.<br />
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today i write about none of those. or all of them, we will see what comes out of my little fast fingers. today i saw/read 2 things that i loved a lot. and i heard a song i now love a lot.<br />
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"give me the courage to stand the pain to get the grace" flannery o'conner.<br />
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"they wish they'd have the courage to live a life true to themselves and not the life others expected of them....how can we be loved if we are always in hiding?" donald miller from Scary Close.<br />
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and this song from the civil wars. because i have a lot of people i love in the valleys of life right now and all i want is for Jesus to take them out of the valleys onto the mountains that they love. </div>
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I was sitting in my car on my lunch break and it was raining and i read those words by donald miller over and over and over and i cried. because i want that so badly for everyone. i want people to live how they want to live and not in the expectations of others. i think i'm definitely an anomaly (in many ways) in that i think i'm pretty good at living the life i want to live and don't really get tripped up in others expectations. but, i've learned through 26 years and hard conversations that this isn't typical. this isn't me tooting my own horn, i'm not so sure why i don't care that much about others but i have prayed hard for my heart to be tender towards those that do struggle with that. to those who seek acceptance and love and worth in relationships and people and in the hearts of others. and don't get me wrong, clearly i do it too. and it's so hard not to. but i so desperately want the people i love, to have courage you dear hearts, and live fiercely and boldly and unashamed. </div>
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part of this for me is acknowledging that i have this new really tender heart. i cry a lot. when i'm hurt, sad, happy, overwhelmed with beauty, when i see little baby toes, when i miss pieces of me that are home in others hearts, when i read sentences like those above. and just learning to tell myself that its all ok. i try to talk about it all. i am writing more things down. i am spending more time with jesus. i actually think that's the reason for my tender heart, jesus. i am so grateful. </div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Oh the outcast dreams of acceptance</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Just to find pure love's embrace</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Like an orphan longs for its mother</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">May you hold me in your grace</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Oh won't you take me from this valley</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">To that mountain high above</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Oh I will pray, pray, pray till I see your smiling face</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I will pray, pray, pray to the one that I love</span></div>
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<br />Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02598951030917602366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1693305512090621053.post-70624535170958469432016-08-06T17:20:00.000-07:002016-08-06T17:20:00.282-07:00the sky is orange and i am home alone listening to Griffin House and it is very very nice.<br />
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summers are very hard for me. last summer i was more depressed than i've ever been. i cried in my closet often. i was in a terrible unhealthy yet mutually beneficial relationship because he was also depressed and unhealthy. this summer is so different from last. it has still been hard. i graduated three months ago and still don't have a job. i'm certain i've applied to over 70 jobs by now. this isn't what i expected or wanted. but it's so sweet in some ways. i get to see my friends often. i still work about 40 hours a week, at one job i love, and one i hate. but it also means friday afternoons i can eave work and race down the highway to see my favorite people. it also means i can take two weeks of vacation. i went to the beach with brandon's family for a few days and then he came for the majority of team vaughn beach week. they were both really good and different weeks. his family's trip was different because...it wasn't my family. they are wonderful and kind and funny but they aren't my people. team vaughn beach week was different because i had a boyfriend with me! for the first time! and it was so good. so easy. so fun.<br />
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but, last night my mama caught me on the stairs and asked me what was wrong and after saying nothing she hugged me tight and started crying, how mamas do. she told me it was all going to be ok for about the millionth time in the past 6 months. she asked if she had ever been wrong about things being ok before and i said no, because really she hasn't and i'm still alive after 25 years so she has to be right. then she looked at me and said hannah, just enjoy this time. and i don't think she meant the last 12 hours we had at the beach. she meant this life. right now. the in-between time when i'm sleeping in the guest bed because i am too scared to leave this house with noah and megan. this time of pseudo-unemployment. this time of dating a boy two hours away who makes me laugh so much and who faithfully gets me water when i'm done eating to rinse out my food bag. this time of the dog days of hot summer and nesting in a new house and new faces to come home to (including a dog, so that's actually the best). of teaching Clementine the hedgehog to be social.<br />
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i so easily get wrapped up in the bigger things. in the what if's and why not's and WHYYYYYYYs. the worries and doubts and fears. and i really get it when the bible says the sin that so easily entangles . because sometimes i feel so entangled. so, here's to laughing in the sunshine and embracing when the sky turns gray and texting your best friends and enjoying things. because, sometimes we need to be reminded to enjoy life, or at least i know i do. there is so much good. and maybe the things like jobs and health insurance and housing and money seem bigger, but i'm going to try to add up the little goods that i enjoy to counteract the bigs. (i'm aware this is a very old and tried and true concept, but i needed a reminder and maybe you do too)Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02598951030917602366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1693305512090621053.post-77768792826422971802016-04-18T15:23:00.000-07:002016-04-18T15:23:06.967-07:00ok. i am writing. because i can't read and i can't watch any more gilmore girls and i can't find the words to say outloud to my mama just yet. and mat kerney pandora is actually really great. and i am talking to brandon about having goats because i can't actually have any real conversations right now. i just sent 6 of my people the same text. it read...<br />
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UPDATE I AM ABOUT TO HAVE A MENTAL BREAKDOWN OK BYE </div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">and they all responded pretty posi. and all assured me i could not cut my head off even though thats about all i want to do right now. and some made me laugh. and all offered to help. and i have no answers for them. i don't know what they can do. this isn't a machoist let me do it myself i like the pain. it's the real, i don't know. i can't help myself and i don't know how you can help me. jan said i have to tell people to pray for me. i guess so. brandon offered to marry me (after i asked him) so i could get his health insurance. he then realized i wasn't kidding. he didn't rescind his offer. he's nice like that. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">the past several years i have wanted new teeth. dental implants, dentures, wooden teeth, whatever man i just wanted new ones. mine are crooked and wonky and i do not love them. 6 doctors told me that implants were impossible. literally. 6. oral surgeons, dentists, orthodontists, periodontists, literally anyone who has ever even seen a tooth told me it was all impossible. my mama wouldn't accept that though so she searched the land far and wide and finally we found a doctor who told us he could do it. he said it was all good and so we did it. friday i voluntarily had 4 of my teeth ripped out of my head. then he drilled two holes in my jawbone. I WAS AWAKE PEOPLE. DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE TO HAVE TEETH RIPPED OUT OF YOUR HEAD? probably not unless you are like a 5 year old reading this blog who just ripped one of their own teeth out. if you are 5 you should not read this i cuss a lot. it does not sound great though people. not great. so all this happens. then he literally says, " oh i can't do this." and i spit my guaze out and say WHAT and he said yeah there isn't enough bone. and i scoot down in my chair and i say "wow this is my worst nightmare coming true" so...that was cool. i have fake teeth though don't be too distraught. i mean the fake teeth are not great and i do NOT love them but i look REALLY redneck without them so they will do. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">so, that's one crazy thing. as if that is enough to have holes ripped and drilled into your head on a friday isn't enough. it is though. it is enough. and you're more mad than anything else and also this hurts. so you lay on the couch and pout and your mama gives you pain meds and you sleep because you can't resist the pain meds and because you are mad. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">then i wake up at 3:30 in the morningg thinking i might be having a heart attack. so i wake up my mama and say THIS IS NOT GOOD WAKE UP PLEASE. and she drives you to the ER. fast forward 5 hours in the ER later where a semi-cute doctor tells you that you have spots on your lungs and that your spleen is quite massive actually and all this could mean you have cancer. lymphoma. then he sends you on your way. ok bye AND ALSO YOU COULD HAVE JUST RUINED MY LIFE THANKS A LOT DOCTOR IN THE ER. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">so i get home to a sweet padre and zachary who i had not seen since christmas. they all say this doctor is whack and that i could not have cancer. mama says that too. i turn my phone off because i don't know how to tell anyone this. its not real if i don't say it so i don't. throughout the day i start telling people. i was only going to tell Jan. but then it started spilling out and i started crying and my mama was in the shower crying too and i told all my people. and some of them told their people. and i just kept copying and pasting the same thing because i did not know how to keep answering people. then noah and megan got here and we laughed a lot. and played Clue. and sat in the sunshine and i got sunburned because i am not supposed to be in the sun. i also had to put medicine up my butt twice on sunday and that is a really not enjoyable thing to do because it burns people. IT BURNS. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">i slept all sunday afternoon because i was a little (lot) depressed. noah and megan had left and i was hot and mad. so i stopped talking and that was that. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">the surgeon today did not say much. he says yes you may not have cancer. but yes you may. so i have to have an MRI and maybe a lung biopsy after that. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">everyone keeps asking me how i feel. i have no idea. i literally don't know. yesterday i told chelsea i was scared. i also told her i would probably become an atheist if this was real. because, who makes a baby with a crazy medical condition and 50+ surgeries then when she is about to start her real life and career gives her cancer. i'm not down with that. God and I are still speaking but I am actually very mad. that's okay though. God is good at taking it. I am sad and mad and confused. I don't know what to tell people. I don't know if it's like using the quote unquote cancer card. i don't know. i also don't want to make light in any way shape or form of my favorite people on earth who have had cancer. i don't want to compare myself to them only to find out that its not real. that i just have a freakishly large spleen and my lungs and spleen just happen to have polkadots of bad spots on them. i don't know. i don't know any of this. i emailed my professors because people told me to. i just want to be outside and run and play basketball with kevin yi. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">what does this all mean? i've got no MF clue. honestly. hopefully in a few weeks I'll have more of a clue. i'll have answers and a hope and a masters degree. the unknown is hard ya'll. </span></div>
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the heart of life- john mayer</div>
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Pain throws your heart to the ground</div>
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Love turns the whole thing around</div>
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No it won't all go the way it should</div>
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But I know the heart of life is good</div>
Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02598951030917602366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1693305512090621053.post-56736450310794718732016-03-29T18:45:00.000-07:002016-03-29T18:45:11.529-07:00i think i am finally out of a really long really hard season. that seems scary to write because, what if i'm not. what if i'm wrong. jan always calls me out on being the type of person who waits for the other shoe to drop, for things to get bad. i don't enjoy where i am enough. so, i will not live in fear and i will not delete that first sentence. i am out of a really long really hard season. spring break changed things for me. i drove to north carolina with mary and i was rude and angry and so annoyed with everything in life, including her. she was kind. i was not. then i kinda broke down around charlotte and told her i wasn't happy. i wasn't ok and i didn't know how to be ok ever again. i had a similar conversation in the dark with jan several days before. i wasn't happy and couldn't remember the last time i was happy. i kind of had told brandon these things and he reminded me of times when i had been happy since he had known me. i did not want to be annoyed and mad and rude to my best friend or my other friends or anyone really.<br />
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january-the beginning of march was one of the hardest times in my life. i didn't even want to blog because it would just be negative and hard and not hopeful. i wasn't hopeful anymore. i feel like every blog i have written since...always....has been about how life is hard and i was in a season of waiting and it was hard. but january brought new hardness that i had never experienced before. i spent the majority of those months sitting in my closet doing work and crying and patrick henry died and i got in car accidents and i was sick and i would just cry.<br />
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so i drove into the sunset into my favorite town in the entire world confessing these things to mary. she is really really good at giving grace. she forgave me and listened and knew the hard things too. then i sat on sarah thomas' front porch and hugged her kids and it was good. then i drove around gardner webb and sat in a parking lot and watched the sunset. because, sunsets in boiling springs are unreal. and i felt a little more alive. then i continued to drive around. then i got to the fitz farm and no one was home and jax and i sat on the porch and read and rocked and i felt a little more alive. then i sat on couches i have sat on hundreds of times and listened to women who i love talk about life and hard and good things and we prayed and i felt a little more alive. i went to bed full and happy. i woke up and ran (which was literally a miracle in itself considering the day before i was doubled over in pain due to my stomach) and drove sarah thomas to work and dropped her children at school and got to love on the people that i love and then mary and i sat on the porch with red the chicken and jax. and i told mary that i felt restored. i literally felt like a balm had been rubbed on my heart and body and soul and that i was new. i breathed country air and ran under big skies and all i could think of was the word restore. i felt like i was being restored. by my favorite town, by long drives, by being really raw and honest with my best friend. by big skies. by a man who lavishes words of affirmation upon me like i've never known before. by talking about jesus. it was all so good<br />
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and life has been good since then. like, really. i've hung with friends more. i've been annoyed less. i've started running again-a lot. i've laughed more. i've been home more. i've let brandon into my life even though it seemed scary. the lord has been so good to me. i feel so restored. i just listened to Those Who Wait by Bethany Dillon and i loved it like always, but i didn't feel like it was the story of my life. then i decided to write this blog. about moving out of a season of waiting and into a season of restoration. i think those seasons could have been simultaneous but they weren't. i waited and longed and spent an agonizing time crying out. and slowly but surely the lord has been opening my eyes to how good he is and how well he works and how i am being restored. the long winter is over, and i am grateful.<br />
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i've been obsessed with this song the past few months that is played at Hope almost every Sunday called Resurrection by Elevation Worship and the chorus says "the resurrected king is resurrecting me" and amen to that. i am being resurrected. jesus is so good and i am being restored. all these really great and crazy and unexpected things are happening in my life and i am constantly surprised and grateful. listen to that song and drive around and it'll change you a little bit i think.Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02598951030917602366noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1693305512090621053.post-60654680996609669552016-02-19T05:04:00.002-08:002016-02-19T05:04:52.456-08:00listen. the past 3 months have been total shit balls. January/February have not been the best. i still have hope for 2016 but so far its not been kind. let's recap.<br />
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<li>a lot of traveling for 2 (beautiful really great perfect) weddings back to back weekends</li>
<li>being pulled over by cops twice</li>
<li>patrick henry having a stroke</li>
<li>having to put patrick henry to sleep</li>
<li>sickness</li>
<li>car accident</li>
<li>more homework due in a two week period than i've had in the entirety of grad school</li>
<li>having 2900 million extra things on top of that to do for school </li>
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i literally lived my life the past few weeks saying to myself "hm i wonder what will happen next? will i get get mugged today? will i get hit by a car? will our house burn down?" i literally was just waiting for more bad things to happen. i told my people constantly that i was exhausted and i was in crisis / survival mode. for 3 weeks straight. there was no respite from it. i wasn't thriving i wasnt happy i literally sat in my closet with patrick henry the sparse time i had at home or i came home and went straight to my room to do endless amounts of school work. i was met with a lot of love and grace, but it was hard. it was a really hard three weeks. </div>
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as i was thinking about it, and thinking about what i would blog about this week, i breathed a deep breath and realized that this week is the first week i have felt whole again. i have been with noah and megan a lot, i have laughed more this week than the last three combined, i have had time to hang out with people i love and miss, and i have worked out. </div>
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i am a very firm believer in ebenezers. setting up physical places where God shows up. they help us remember and are good to look back on. so besides showing you all the crap from the past three weeks here is hopefully a longer list of the good. a lot of these revolve around patrick henry dying, which is sad, but he is free and not in pain and running around with jesus so i think he's okay now.</div>
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<li>getting to dance with two of my favorite people at their weddings </li>
<li>getting to wake up at the fitz' farm on a Sunday morning and have breakfast with brandon and the boys like no time had past since i lived there</li>
<li>being in boiling springs and having it feel so perfect and so much like home </li>
<li>getting to spend a whole day with zoe, shannon, and emily, and being completely known and love and encouraged by them, because really, they are my best people. for the past 20 years. </li>
<li>chelsea facetiming me the hour before i had to take patrick henry to the vet office</li>
<li>noah and other people spending time researching hedgehog illnesses, diets, buying him food, and trying to figure out why he was so sick. </li>
<li>hilary literally getting in a car accident on the way to the vets office but powering through and meeting me there to hold patrick henry, help me make the decision, and hold me and ugly cry with me when i said bye to him. then proceeding to talk about buttholes to make me laugh because i needed to laugh. </li>
<li>all my brothers and sisters instantly sending me text messages after my mom told them and feeling very loved. </li>
<li>new and unexpected friendships and relationships that were honestly divinely timed because i couldn't do life on my own these past three weeks</li>
<li>noah sitting in my closet at midnight on a sunday night crying with me and saying bye to patrick henry </li>
<li>getting in a car accident and texting every man i know in this city and having jacob literally appear out of no where to help me put my bumper back on my car. </li>
<li>getting in a car accident with a really friendly girl who was mega chill. seriously, if you're going to hit someone at leas pray you hit someone nice-it makes it so much more enjoyable. </li>
<li>having jan literally stalk me on find my friends to come meet me in the rain to give me a hug and tell me she didn't know why all these things were happening to me</li>
<li>friends who come over literally for just half an hour visits, because thats all the margin we have sometimes. </li>
<li>gabbie offering to not eat lunch on account of me forgetting my lunch. hungry best pals for life. </li>
<li>cards and hugs and a lot of love for people who love me and loved patrick henry </li>
<li>longer days & good sunsets</li>
<li>jesus being kind and good </li>
<li>people who love me when i'm 9999% a mess</li>
<li>the hope of future adventures and joy to come.</li>
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Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02598951030917602366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1693305512090621053.post-52048586294649769552016-01-20T09:24:00.000-08:002016-01-20T09:24:10.914-08:00<span style="font-family: inherit;">ya'll. i'm not in acres of hope yet. incase you were wondering. i feel like i keep asking Are we there yet? are we there yet? and it has yet to happen. (if you're confused as to what this place is that i'm referring to please scroll to the post below) </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">go listen to this song- or just turn it on while you read this. ya'll its so good.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"> <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dgrt9OZSaXY">When the Saints- Sara Groves </a></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">this past weekend i went to a women's conference called un/defined put on by my church here in richmond. i haven't been to a womens conference since colorado and that was such a weird time in my life i think i felt a little weird again. but i sat with 4 ladies i have sat on floors with every wednesday for the past year and a half and it was good. and we sang. and some cried. and i prayed fiercely for them. and for myself. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">we sang the song You Make Me Brave by Bethel and it struck me how incredible it was to be with 900 women singing these words. women who are older, younger, have traversed way more miles and heartbreak valley's and acres of hope than i have in 25 years and they were all still asking to be made brave. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">sometimes i think i'm really brave. i think i've done brave things. i think i do brave things. this past wednesday i told those above mentioned 4 ladies that in the past six weeks i've probably gone on like 15ish first dates and they were all like Wow you're inspirational and you're brave. i was like ya'll are straight crazy i'm a dope who is STILL not choosing things that give me life. first dates are so goofy and I'm over them. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">this weekend at the conference Nicole talked about trying to fill the gaps in our lives versus choosing to root ourselves in the truth and in jesus. (there was a vase with flowers and water involved...you can imagine it i bet) and that got me. i've just been filling the gaps. filling the sorrow and the holes in my hearts with more and more swiping and laughing at things that aren't funny and joining more and more sites hoping that THIS one will lead me to happiness. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">so as i sat on the floor at old navy yesterday cleaning the girls clearance section wishing i had someone to text (yes everyone who is reading this is probably a friend of mine who i could have been texting i get it) i thought to myself, hannah, you're just trying to fill the gap more and more. why? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">then it hit me. what i'm doing is not brave. trying to satisfy myself in my own flesh and going on a bajillion terrible dates is not brave. it'll be a lot more brave to delete all these apps and rely on the Lord. i texted Mary and said "I went to a women's conference last night and today and I'm at work crying and feeling very weary. I don't know if my heart is hardened towards the lord or if I just don't want to abide in him and am resisting. I don't know. I'm not okay" and as we do with each other, she did in fact reassure me that i was okay. she's nice like that. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">why is being brave so scary? why is it such a hot topic? because we aren't brave? like i said, i think i do brave things (actual brave things like chase the Lord all the way to Brazil and fight for justice and love and joy and gratitude) but man, sometimes being brave is hard. so I've been praying. Lord make me brave. I mean it could be super tangible and deciding to stop trying to date, maybe it'll look different than that. I honestly have no idea. but i am grateful for a God who allows me try and seek and knock. so here's to being brave friends. whatever that may look like. </span>Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02598951030917602366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1693305512090621053.post-23306486663217735942016-01-06T06:48:00.003-08:002016-01-06T07:00:06.076-08:00i've started and deleted this blog several times. it could be the most honest thing i've ever written. when i talked to mary about it on sunday night it took me several times to even get the words out for how bad i felt about them. for how honest and raw they were. and how shitty they made me seem. but, ever since chelsea taught me about honesty six years ago i have to be honest, because that is the only way things make sense to me.<br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="text Hos-2-14-Hos-2-15" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">“And now, here’s what I’m going to do:</span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Hos-2-14-Hos-2-15" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">I’m going to start all over again.</span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="text Hos-2-14-Hos-2-15" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">I’m taking her back out into the wilderness</span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Hos-2-14-Hos-2-15" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">where we had our first date, and I’ll court her.</span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="text Hos-2-14-Hos-2-15" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">I’ll give her bouquets of roses.</span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Hos-2-14-Hos-2-15" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">I’ll turn Heartbreak Valley into Acres of Hope.</span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="text Hos-2-14-Hos-2-15" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">She’ll respond like she did as a young girl,</span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Hos-2-14-Hos-2-15" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">those days when she was fresh out of Egypt. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="text Hos-2-14-Hos-2-15" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">hosea 2:14-15 message </span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="text Hos-2-14-Hos-2-15" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="text Hos-2-14-Hos-2-15" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">so i decided sometime last week that i was tired of doing everything wrong. of seeking attention in wrong things and spending my time unwisely. i wasn't making bad decisions, i wasn't setting myself up for harm, i didn't even feel like i was emotionally hurting myself because i felt pretty numb. then on Sunday I decided to read hosea again. because the book of hosea is all about doing things wrong and being called back to the Lord and back to truth. so i figured it was a good place to start. and chelsea and i love the verse hosea 2:14 in the NIV version that says </span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="text Hos-2-14-Hos-2-15" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Therefore I am now going to allure her;</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Hos-2-14" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">I will lead her into the wilderness<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-22120A" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-22120A" title="See cross-reference A">A</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span></span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Hos-2-14" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">and speak tenderly to her.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="text Hos-2-14" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="text Hos-2-14" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">so i figured i could use some tender speaking. </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="text Hos-2-14" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="text Hos-2-14" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">then i read it in the message version (above) and i was blown away. <b>I'll turn heartbreak valley into acres of hope. </b></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="text Hos-2-14" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><b><br /></b></span></span></span></div>
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<b style="font-family: inherit;">I'll turn heartbreak valley into acres of hope. </b></div>
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<b style="font-family: inherit;">I'll turn heartbreak valley into acres of hope. </b></div>
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<b style="font-family: inherit;">I'll turn heartbreak valley into acres of hope. </b></div>
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<b style="font-family: inherit;">I'll turn heartbreak valley into acres of hope. </b></div>
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y'all<span style="font-family: inherit;">. that is so good. i wrote it in my journal. i drew a map from my own heartbreak valley with arrows pointing me to acres of hope. and that is what i want for 2016. i want to reside in acres of hope again. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">but how? how do i travel from heartbreak valley to acres of hope. this is where the honesty comes in and the shit hits the fan. because, i think it takes work to travel there. and i wasn't/am not certain i want to put in the work. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">because, ya'll...i forgot what a real relationship with God was like. I forgot that it was worth it. I forgot that it is the best thing i could ever pursue. it seemed so much easier to pursue everything else in front of me. i don't know when i entered into heartbreak valley, or when i forgot that there was only one thing in life that was worth any of my time or effort or love. but i did. so sunday night when i was face timing Mary i confessed all this to her. i asked her if it was worth it. if it was worth letting go of all this other shit. "so what, i stop pursuing or being pursued by lame guys and spend all my time reading the bible and what...i'm still single? so is it even worth putting the effort in???"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">"yes, hannah. it is. you get hope. you get forgiveness. you get grace. you get to live the good life. you get to live the life your soul was created to live."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">praise the Lord that i have a best friend who will speak these truths into my life at midnight on a Sunday night after i confess these really scary messy things. She met me with grace. I had already asked God all these questions and I knew the answers but i needed someone else who knows me well and knows my heart to tell me to my face. yes. it is worth it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">one of my favorite songs is the cost by rend collective experiment and it says</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #fce5cd; font-family: inherit;"><span style="text-align: center;">I've counted up the cost</span><br style="box-sizing: border-box; text-align: center;" /><span style="text-align: center;">Oh, I've counted up the cost</span><br style="box-sizing: border-box; text-align: center;" /><span style="text-align: center;">Yes, I've counted up the cost</span><br style="box-sizing: border-box; text-align: center;" /><span style="text-align: center;">And You are worth it</span></span></div>
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<span style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: #fce5cd; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: #fce5cd; font-family: inherit;">yes. you are worth it. so, here's to trying. here's to coming back to the Lord. it's not a crappy new years resolution. it's a soul resolution. i need this. i know i won't be disappointed. but it'll be hard. </span></span></div>
Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02598951030917602366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1693305512090621053.post-38922855451133985092015-12-17T06:25:00.004-08:002015-12-17T06:25:46.960-08:00<span style="font-family: inherit;">i ran today. running is the only activity i do in life that makes praying come easy to me. it seems so natural to me to praise the lord for my little body and for the ability to run. there are other things in life i should have never been able to do (live, talk, create food to sustain myself) but prayer and thanksgiving doesn't come naturally in those areas. just running. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">i hate the first two miles. they are agonizing and i curse a lot for having the desire to run and even though i am thanking God i really am just mad at my body and wish i was a better runner. then mile three hits. and my stride kicks in and i am finally free to really think and process and pray. i know this is happening because my upper thighs turn bright pink and so do my arms and i can finally unclench my fists. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">i have been really obsessed with Your Glory/Nothing but the Blood by All Sons & Daughters recently. I listened to it on repeat on my run today and almost every hill i ran up coincided with the lyrics "hallelujah jesus you are good." so i would run up the hills singing loudly. today i am not one hundred percent certain that i know this to be true. but saying it over and over and over and doing hard things made it more real to me. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">sunday morning i read this.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">For a child has been born—for us! the gift of a son—for us! He’ll take over the running of the world. His names will be: Amazing Counselor, Strong God, Eternal Father, Prince of Wholeness. His ruling authority will grow, and there’ll be no limits to the wholeness he brings.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="direction: ltr; unicode-bidi: bidi-override;">Isaiah</span><span style="direction: ltr; unicode-bidi: bidi-override;"> </span><span style="direction: ltr; unicode-bidi: bidi-override;">9:6-7</span><span style="direction: ltr; unicode-bidi: bidi-override;"> </span><span style="direction: ltr; unicode-bidi: bidi-override;">MSG</span></span></div>
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<span style="direction: ltr; unicode-bidi: bidi-override;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="direction: ltr; unicode-bidi: bidi-override;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">and i can't stop thinking about it. most translations say prince of peace. that's alright too. but wholeness. man. i need that. we all need that. we need to feel whole and stop trying to fill ourselves with other things. i've been really bad at that lately. i'm especially bad at it when i feel hurt, which i have felt lately. </span></span></div>
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<span style="direction: ltr; unicode-bidi: bidi-override;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">chelsea and i talked about being whole the other day and she said this</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="direction: ltr; unicode-bidi: bidi-override;"></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">the word in hebrew is טםים, (ta-miym) & it means complete or whole. one of my fave words</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">to that i replied "duh wholeness means being whole"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">it's amazing she loves me as much as she does. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">i don't have any thoughts or solutions. i know jesus is the only thing that can make us whole. it is hard though. go run around until you hit your stride and ask him to make you whole. that kinda feels better. </span></div>
Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02598951030917602366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1693305512090621053.post-75048497401822205332015-11-23T14:03:00.002-08:002015-11-23T14:03:44.378-08:00it is cold out. the first sink in your bones, make you draw sharp crisp breaths as you walk, cold. and i love it. soon i'll hate it but today i love it. i've not slept well the past five days and have listened to Motorcycle Drive By by Third Eye Blind probably over a hundred times. this morning i drove to work while the sky was black and the stars were bright and i screamed along with the lyrics and breathed deep belly breaths because jan tells me i have to.<br />
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yesterday i went to church and i did not want to. i had a hard conversation in the car before i walked through the doors and i clenched my fists and made myself walk in. i was supposed to hang with the best little 4 year old buddy Benjamin but he didn't come. they asked if i wanted to hold the babies and i said yes because i needed to hold life and be hopeful about things and babies have that power. then they had too many people so i couldn't hold the babies. then i went to the service with clenched fists and i grabbed the chair in front of me and gripped it till my knuckles turned white. the old lady next to me asked me if i was okay. i said no but it was okay thank you.<br />
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cold weather reminds me of colorado. never have i ever felt more alone or more alive. i remember standing on my porch at 7,500 feet when it was zero degrees out at midnight staring at the stars and moon and wondering what the hell i was doing and why i was so alone and where in the world was God. i doubted God in Brazil in the sunshine too, but i think it's easier to doubt God in the cold than in the sun. in colorado i had mountains to climb and a river running through my backyard to throw rocks in on the daily. now i sit in my closet and hold patrick henry (despite his lack of wanting to be held) and use excellent time management skills to write papers the day before they are due. i drive and yell and go to the grocery store in my pjs, because i am tired and burdens are heavy to bear right now.<br />
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so i'm mad at God. for other people mostly. and the world. i know he is big and i know i have hope but i am mad. i feel like swinging some fists and getting some answers because we need some.<br />
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this semester has kicked my ass. not having a fall break and working typically 70 hour work weeks with no days off makes a girl tired.<br />
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(i get that all my blogs are the same. get over it)<br />
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i still believe gratitude changes everything. all the time not just when turkeys are slaughtered.<br />
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friends who greet you at the door with apple cider spiked with whiskey are good.<br />
oversized sweaters are good.<br />
motorcycle drive by by third eye blind is good.<br />
laughing around a dining room table with homemade food is good.<br />
finding things to laugh at about at 6 am at old navy is good.<br />
falling flat on your face in front of a new employer is good.<br />
one eyed turtles named blinky are good.<br />
getting A's on statistics exams is good.<br />
laying on the floor with my favorite roommates on a Saturday night is good.<br />
being known and loved is good.Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02598951030917602366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1693305512090621053.post-41556905545934107602015-11-03T13:49:00.004-08:002015-11-03T13:49:41.788-08:00i think i forgot how to blog. it's been seven months. seven hard months. this summer i sat in my closet, car, carillon, caroline's bedroom, porches, and coffee shops and cried probably once a week. then school started and i thought life would instantly get better and i'd feel like i had a purpose again. turns out my purpose still doesn't rely in the things i do or how i fill my time. shocking.<br />
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then 18 hours of classes, 21 hours of internship, and 20-30 hours of work at old navy hit me like a freight train. and i had a little crisis and laid in bed face down while brian rubbed my back and reminded me until my tears dried (and every day since then) that this too is a season. a season of building a future and investing in the rest of my life and that it is going to be really really hard.<br />
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britt always reminds me to trust the process because the process is the hardest part but always yields results. i hate the process. not because it involves work, or in my case studying and writing papers and doing statistics and folding 200000 t-shirts at old navy every day. i hate the process because it often brings out the worst in me. i get self centered and do terrible things like hang up on the man i love because i have to pay $13 to park because he didn't want me walking downtown at night time. i complain a lot. i act selfishly and i hate it. then i get mad that i did those things and its just an ugly cycle. when i was transitioning to real food off ensure britt told me every day to trust the process. even when i was going through withdraw from sugar and was REALLY really mean to everyone. (hey, it turns out i was accidentally starving myself too so let's blame some of the mean-ness on lack of food in my little body).<br />
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i am grateful for people who walk through the processes of life with me. i am grateful for past experiences with people who have held my hands well in the past and remind me again this time that they are here to do the same. i am grateful that i can text chelsea any time any day and amazingly enough she is always there to meet me with grace. i am grateful for patient family members who let me do me and who are always there to meet me on the couch to watch tv when i have a second.<br />
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today in class i took a lot of notes. rarely do i do this. i actually was just doing it because i was trying not to fall asleep. in my 2 pages of note taking i wrote the word hope in the margins and drew three little mountains. and i think that's all i got right now. tiny margins of hope. i know this isn't forever. there are things in life that are forever and i probably won't ever stop wrestling with them. i've been thinking a lot about grief and walking through grief with people i love and it will never make sense to me. i've got to have a tiny margin of hope there too. that the people we love the most who we lose senselessly made an impact. changed our worlds and others worlds. i've got to grab onto any tiny margins of hope i can get these days to carry on.<br />
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so find your margins. 5 minutes to sit outside before your 14 hour work day continues, 5 minute dance parties over FaceTime with your best friend, staying up a little later to see the people you love and lay in front of the fireplace together, taking tours of your favorite museums because you can breathe easily in those spaces, whatever. we've all got room for tiny margins of hope if we look. i have hope in that.Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02598951030917602366noreply@blogger.com0