Tuesday, March 29, 2016

i think i am finally out of a really long really hard season. that seems scary to write because, what if i'm not. what if i'm wrong. jan always calls me out on being the type of person who waits for the other shoe to drop, for things to get bad. i don't enjoy where i am enough. so, i will not live in fear and i will not delete that first sentence. i am out of a really long really hard season. spring break changed things for me. i drove to north carolina with mary and i was rude and angry and so annoyed with everything in life, including her. she was kind. i was not. then i kinda broke down around charlotte and told her i wasn't happy. i wasn't ok and i didn't know how to be ok ever again. i had a similar conversation in the dark with jan several days before. i wasn't happy and couldn't remember the last time i was happy. i kind of had told brandon these things and he reminded me of times when i had been happy since he had known me. i did not want to be annoyed and mad and rude to my best friend or my other friends or anyone really.

 january-the beginning of march was one of the hardest times in my life. i didn't even want to blog because it would just be negative and hard and not hopeful. i wasn't hopeful anymore. i feel like every blog i have written since...always....has been about how life is hard and i was in a season of waiting and it was hard. but january brought new hardness that i had never experienced before. i spent the majority of those months sitting in my closet doing work and crying and patrick henry died and i got in car accidents and i was sick and i would just cry.

so i drove into the sunset into my favorite town in the entire world confessing these things to mary. she is really really good at giving grace. she forgave me and listened and knew the hard things too. then i sat on sarah thomas' front porch and hugged her kids and it was good. then i drove around gardner webb and sat in a parking lot and watched the sunset. because, sunsets in boiling springs are unreal. and i felt a little more alive. then i continued to drive around. then i got to the fitz farm and no one was home and jax and i sat on the porch and read and rocked and i felt a little more alive. then i sat on couches i have sat on hundreds of times and listened to women who i love talk about life and hard and good things and we prayed and i felt a little more alive. i went to bed full and happy. i woke up and ran (which was literally a miracle in itself considering the day before i was doubled over in pain due to my stomach) and drove sarah thomas to work and dropped her children at school and got to love on the people that i love and then mary and i sat on the porch with red the chicken and jax. and i told mary that i felt restored. i literally felt like a balm had been rubbed on my heart and body and soul and that i was new. i breathed country air and ran under big skies and all i could think of was the word restore. i felt like i was being restored. by my favorite town, by long drives, by being really raw and honest with my best friend. by big skies. by a man who lavishes words of affirmation upon me like i've never known before. by talking about jesus. it was all so good

and life has been good since then. like, really. i've hung with friends more. i've been annoyed less. i've started running again-a lot. i've laughed more. i've been home more. i've let brandon into my life even though it seemed scary. the lord has been so good to me. i feel so restored. i just listened to Those Who Wait by Bethany Dillon and i loved it like always, but i didn't feel like it was the story of my life. then i decided to write this blog. about moving out of a season of waiting and into a season of restoration. i think those seasons could have been simultaneous but they weren't. i waited and longed and spent an agonizing time crying out. and slowly but surely the lord has been opening my eyes to how good he is and how well he works and how i am being restored. the long winter is over, and i am grateful.

i've been obsessed with this song the past few months that is played at Hope almost every Sunday called Resurrection by Elevation Worship and the chorus says "the resurrected king is resurrecting me" and amen to that. i am being resurrected. jesus is so good and i am being restored. all these really great and crazy and unexpected things are happening in my life and i am constantly surprised and grateful. listen to that song and drive around and it'll change you a little bit i think.

i think life is a little hard right now. i have felt more materialistic than i maybe ever have. pretty much daily i am buying something, or ...