Monday, April 18, 2016

ok. i am writing. because i can't read and i can't watch any more gilmore girls and i can't find the words to say outloud to my mama just yet. and mat kerney pandora is actually really great. and i am talking to brandon about having goats because i can't actually have any real conversations right now. i just sent 6 of my people the same text. it read...

UPDATE I AM ABOUT TO HAVE A MENTAL BREAKDOWN OK BYE 

and they all responded pretty posi. and all assured me i could not cut my head off even though thats about all i want to do right now. and some made me laugh. and all offered to help. and i have no answers for them. i don't know what they can do. this isn't a machoist let me do it myself i like the pain. it's the real, i don't know. i can't help myself and i don't know how you can help me. jan said i have to tell people to pray for me. i guess so. brandon offered to marry me (after i asked him) so i could get his health insurance. he then realized i wasn't kidding. he didn't rescind his offer. he's nice like that. 

the past several years i have wanted new teeth. dental implants, dentures, wooden teeth, whatever man i just wanted new ones. mine are crooked and wonky and i do not love them. 6 doctors told me that implants were impossible. literally. 6. oral surgeons, dentists, orthodontists, periodontists, literally anyone who has ever even seen a tooth told me it was all impossible. my mama wouldn't accept that though so she searched the land far and wide and finally we found a doctor who told us he could do it. he said it was all good and so we did it. friday i voluntarily had 4 of my teeth ripped out of my head. then he drilled two holes in my jawbone. I WAS AWAKE PEOPLE. DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE TO HAVE TEETH RIPPED OUT OF YOUR HEAD? probably not unless you are like a 5 year old reading this blog who just ripped one of their own teeth out. if you are 5 you should not read this i cuss a lot. it does not sound great though people. not great. so all this happens. then he literally says, " oh i can't do this." and i spit my guaze out and say WHAT and he said yeah there isn't enough bone. and i scoot down in my chair and i say "wow this is my worst nightmare coming true" so...that was cool. i have fake teeth though don't be too distraught. i mean the fake teeth are not great and i do NOT love them but i look REALLY redneck without them so they will do. 

so, that's one crazy thing. as if that is enough to have holes ripped and drilled into your head on a friday isn't enough. it is though. it is enough. and you're more mad than anything else and also this hurts. so you lay on the couch and pout and your mama gives you pain meds and you sleep because you can't resist the pain meds and because you are mad. 

then i wake up at 3:30 in the morningg thinking i might be having a heart attack. so i wake up my mama and say THIS IS NOT GOOD WAKE UP PLEASE. and she drives you to the ER. fast forward 5 hours in the ER later where a semi-cute doctor tells you that you have spots on your lungs and that your spleen is quite massive actually and all this could mean you have cancer. lymphoma. then he sends you on your way. ok bye AND ALSO YOU COULD HAVE JUST RUINED MY LIFE THANKS A LOT DOCTOR IN THE ER. 

so i get home to a sweet padre and zachary who i had not seen since christmas. they all say this doctor is whack and that i could not have cancer. mama says that too. i turn my phone off because i don't know how to tell anyone this. its not real if i don't say it so i don't. throughout the day i start telling people. i was only going to tell Jan. but then it started spilling out and i started crying and my mama was in the shower crying too and i told all my people. and some of them told their people. and i just kept copying and pasting the same thing because i did not know how to keep answering people. then noah and megan got here and we laughed a lot. and played Clue. and sat in the sunshine and i got sunburned because i am not supposed to be in the sun. i also had to put medicine up my butt twice on sunday and that is a really not enjoyable thing to do because it burns people. IT BURNS. 

i slept all sunday afternoon because i was a little (lot) depressed. noah and megan had left and i was hot and mad. so i stopped talking and that was that. 

the surgeon today did not say much. he says yes you may not have cancer. but yes you may. so i have to have an MRI and maybe a lung biopsy after that. 

everyone keeps asking me how i feel. i have no idea. i literally don't know. yesterday i told chelsea i was scared. i also told her i would probably become an atheist if this was real. because, who makes a baby with a crazy medical condition and 50+ surgeries then when she is about to start her real life and career gives her cancer. i'm not down with that. God and I are still speaking but I am actually very mad. that's okay though. God is good at taking it. I am sad and mad and confused. I don't know what to tell people. I don't know if it's like using the quote unquote cancer card. i don't know. i also don't want to make light in any way shape or form of my favorite people on earth who have had cancer. i don't want to compare myself to them only to find out that its not real. that i just have a freakishly large spleen and my lungs and spleen just happen to have polkadots of bad spots on them. i don't know. i don't know any of this. i emailed my professors because people told me to. i just want to be outside and run and play basketball with kevin yi. 

what does this all mean? i've got no MF clue. honestly. hopefully in a few weeks I'll have more of a clue. i'll have answers and a hope and a masters degree. the unknown is hard ya'll. 

the heart of life- john mayer

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

i think life is a little hard right now. i have felt more materialistic than i maybe ever have. pretty much daily i am buying something, or ...