Thursday, December 1, 2016

i've always been pretty good at imagining the worst. at freaking myself out. at believing pretty outrageous lies. at going from 0-worst case scenario real quick. i was thinking about this today as i was driving and trying to think of examples. one of the oldest examples i thought of was one night i went upstairs to my room and swore on my little life that there was someone in my room throwing things around. somehow a burglar had entered through my second story window (or better yet, the attic) and was just in my room throwing toys around. i had gone upstairs and seen a shadow of something bouncing around but nothing was making noise. i went downstairs and told my dad that someone was in my room. clearly my dad knew better than i did and sent Sam upstairs with me to show me that clearly I was wrong. well, i was. turns out the thing i saw bouncing around was a balloon i had tied to my desk chair and it was bouncing around due to my ceiling fan being on. clearly not a man throwing toys around. a balloon. but i was 100% convinced. i wasn't scared, just very confident in my assessment of the situation.

fast forward probably 20 years later and i'm still like this. i can immediately think of the worst case scenerio and live in that. i don't even really get scared from it, i just am very sure of what i think is happening. in brazil often i would lay in bed and hear gunshots and fireworks (which sound VERY similar ok) and literally convince myself almost every night that i was going to die. that they were going to hop over the probably 30 foot gate with broken glass and razor wire and come straight for my little house and kill me. sometimes i'd be scared but most of the time i'd just say well, ok this is it. i couldn't call anyone or tell anyone but nearly every night i was convinced that this situation was going to unfold.

i get so sure of myself in these moments. i'm stubborn and adamant that these worst case things are bound to happen because i just convince myself of them. brandon often tells me i have to chill before i give myself a heart attack.

my senior year of college i remember sitting in my dorm room i shared with chelsea and i was unpacking medical supplies. it was a sunday night and my parents called me like they usually did. i can't remember if it was my mom or dad that told me my sister megan had cancer. i sat on top of those cardboard boxes in shock and disbelief. for some reason after that the rest of the fall and winter i was terrified to drive. i constantly thought i was going to die. these thoughts weren't suicidal, i didn't want to die i just could constantly envision all the ways i could. getting hit, hitting a guardrail, merging into another car, etc. gruesome thoughts. i was convinced every time i got in the car that something bad was going to happen. i listened to sodom south georgia by iron and wine a lot that fall because jon myer played sat open mic night and i remember sitting on the curb outside the coffee shop and being so paralyzed with fear. fear that my sister would die. fear that i would die. a few weeks later chelsea invited me on a date. she covered a table in the coffee shop upstairs with a sheet and had sparkling grape juice for me. we caught up on life and i told her all these things. i hadn't told anyone else and i was having a hard time processing them. i confess, i don't remember what she said but she's good at asking questions and being tough and loving and knowing my heart well. she's always been there to remind me i'm not alone in anything and i'm so grateful.

somehow the fear to drive subsided for over a year. i lived in colorado and almost drove off mountains all the time and was never scared. then back in boiling springs in the spring of 2013 i was driving home from work and had a panic attack while driving. the fear returned. the same thoughts ran through my head every day while i drove. what if this happened, what if this happened, what would i do if this happened. again, i never had any desire to act on these thoughts my mind would just constantly race from the time i turned my key in the ignition to when i got out of the car. i had to tell people about the panic attack and the things i had been panicking about and i think the fear went away.

it returned a little this week and i'm not sure why. i think partially its because my car has had 99 problems and they all bad and i had a tire blow out recently and now i'm scared constantly that my car is just going to explode.

i don't have any neat way to wrap this up. i pray a lot in these fears. i laid in my bed every night in brazil asking jesus to keep me safe from the people with guns and from snakes and tarantulas and scorpions. i pray while i drive that these thoughts get out of my head. and i trust that they will. maybe they will come back. but that's just where i am in life right now.

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

i've been wanting to write. i have a list of blogs i want to write. some of them include : what is wrong with christians these days, how i got really freaked out in my relationship last week, the funny things being the mother of a hedgehog teaches me, the ever popular topic of disability, remembering that new jobs are hard.

today i write about none of those. or all of them, we will see what comes out of my little fast fingers. today i saw/read 2 things that i loved a lot. and i heard a song i now love a lot.

"give me the courage to stand the pain to get the grace" flannery o'conner.

"they wish they'd have the courage to live a life true to themselves and not the life others expected of them....how can we be loved if we are always in hiding?" donald miller from Scary Close.


and this song from the civil wars. because i have a lot of people i love in the valleys of life right now and all i want is for Jesus to take them out of the valleys onto the mountains that they love. 

I was sitting in my car on my lunch break and it was raining and i read those words by donald miller over and over and over and i cried. because i want that so badly for everyone. i want people to live how they want to live and not in the expectations of others. i think i'm definitely an anomaly (in many ways) in that i think i'm pretty good at living the life i want to live and don't really get tripped up in others expectations. but, i've learned through 26 years and hard conversations that this isn't typical. this isn't me tooting my own horn, i'm not so sure why i don't care that much about others but i have prayed hard for my heart to be tender towards those that do struggle with that. to those who seek acceptance and love and worth in relationships and people and in the hearts of others. and don't get me wrong, clearly i do it too. and it's so hard not to. but i so desperately want the people i love, to have courage you dear hearts, and live fiercely and boldly and unashamed. 

part of this for me is acknowledging that i have this new really tender heart. i cry a lot. when i'm hurt, sad, happy, overwhelmed with beauty, when i see little baby toes, when i miss pieces of me that are home in others hearts, when i read sentences like those above. and just learning to tell myself that its all ok. i try to talk about it all. i am writing more things down. i am spending more time with jesus. i actually think that's the reason for my tender heart, jesus. i am so grateful. 

Oh the outcast dreams of acceptance
Just to find pure love's embrace
Like an orphan longs for its mother
May you hold me in your grace
Oh won't you take me from this valley
To that mountain high above
Oh I will pray, pray, pray till I see your smiling face
I will pray, pray, pray to the one that I love

Saturday, August 6, 2016

the sky is orange and i am home alone listening to Griffin House and it is very very nice.

summers are very hard for me. last summer i was more depressed than i've ever been. i cried in my closet often. i was in a terrible unhealthy yet mutually beneficial relationship because he was also depressed and unhealthy. this summer is so different from last. it has still been hard. i graduated three months ago and still don't have a job. i'm certain i've applied to over 70 jobs by now. this isn't what i expected or wanted. but it's so sweet in some ways. i get to see my friends often. i still work about 40 hours a week, at one job i love, and one i hate. but it also means friday afternoons i can eave work and race down the highway to see my favorite people. it also means i can take two weeks of vacation. i went to the beach with brandon's family for a few days and then he came for the majority of team vaughn beach week. they were both really good and different weeks. his family's trip was different because...it wasn't my family. they are wonderful and kind and funny but they aren't my people. team vaughn beach week was different because i had a boyfriend with me! for the first time! and it was so good. so easy. so fun.

but, last night my mama caught me on the stairs and asked me what was wrong and after saying nothing she hugged me tight and started crying, how mamas do. she told me it was all going to be ok for about the millionth time in the past 6 months. she asked if she had ever been wrong about things being ok before and i said no, because really she hasn't and i'm still alive after 25 years so she has to be right. then she looked at me and said hannah, just enjoy this time. and i don't think she meant the last 12 hours we had at the beach. she meant this life. right now. the in-between time when i'm sleeping in the guest bed because i am too scared to leave this house with noah and megan. this time of pseudo-unemployment. this time of dating a boy two hours away who makes me laugh so much and who faithfully gets me water when i'm done eating to rinse out my food bag. this time of the dog days of hot summer and nesting in a new house and new faces to come home to (including a dog, so that's actually the best). of teaching Clementine the hedgehog to be social.

i so easily get wrapped up in the bigger things. in the what if's and why not's and WHYYYYYYYs. the worries and doubts and fears. and i really get it when the bible says the sin that so easily entangles . because sometimes i feel so entangled. so, here's to laughing in the sunshine and embracing when the sky turns gray and texting your best friends and enjoying things. because, sometimes we need to be reminded to enjoy life, or at least i know i do. there is so much good. and maybe the things like jobs and health insurance and housing and money seem bigger, but i'm going to try to add up the little goods that i enjoy to counteract the bigs. (i'm aware this is a very old and tried and true concept, but i needed a reminder and maybe you do too)

Monday, April 18, 2016

ok. i am writing. because i can't read and i can't watch any more gilmore girls and i can't find the words to say outloud to my mama just yet. and mat kerney pandora is actually really great. and i am talking to brandon about having goats because i can't actually have any real conversations right now. i just sent 6 of my people the same text. it read...

UPDATE I AM ABOUT TO HAVE A MENTAL BREAKDOWN OK BYE 

and they all responded pretty posi. and all assured me i could not cut my head off even though thats about all i want to do right now. and some made me laugh. and all offered to help. and i have no answers for them. i don't know what they can do. this isn't a machoist let me do it myself i like the pain. it's the real, i don't know. i can't help myself and i don't know how you can help me. jan said i have to tell people to pray for me. i guess so. brandon offered to marry me (after i asked him) so i could get his health insurance. he then realized i wasn't kidding. he didn't rescind his offer. he's nice like that. 

the past several years i have wanted new teeth. dental implants, dentures, wooden teeth, whatever man i just wanted new ones. mine are crooked and wonky and i do not love them. 6 doctors told me that implants were impossible. literally. 6. oral surgeons, dentists, orthodontists, periodontists, literally anyone who has ever even seen a tooth told me it was all impossible. my mama wouldn't accept that though so she searched the land far and wide and finally we found a doctor who told us he could do it. he said it was all good and so we did it. friday i voluntarily had 4 of my teeth ripped out of my head. then he drilled two holes in my jawbone. I WAS AWAKE PEOPLE. DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE TO HAVE TEETH RIPPED OUT OF YOUR HEAD? probably not unless you are like a 5 year old reading this blog who just ripped one of their own teeth out. if you are 5 you should not read this i cuss a lot. it does not sound great though people. not great. so all this happens. then he literally says, " oh i can't do this." and i spit my guaze out and say WHAT and he said yeah there isn't enough bone. and i scoot down in my chair and i say "wow this is my worst nightmare coming true" so...that was cool. i have fake teeth though don't be too distraught. i mean the fake teeth are not great and i do NOT love them but i look REALLY redneck without them so they will do. 

so, that's one crazy thing. as if that is enough to have holes ripped and drilled into your head on a friday isn't enough. it is though. it is enough. and you're more mad than anything else and also this hurts. so you lay on the couch and pout and your mama gives you pain meds and you sleep because you can't resist the pain meds and because you are mad. 

then i wake up at 3:30 in the morningg thinking i might be having a heart attack. so i wake up my mama and say THIS IS NOT GOOD WAKE UP PLEASE. and she drives you to the ER. fast forward 5 hours in the ER later where a semi-cute doctor tells you that you have spots on your lungs and that your spleen is quite massive actually and all this could mean you have cancer. lymphoma. then he sends you on your way. ok bye AND ALSO YOU COULD HAVE JUST RUINED MY LIFE THANKS A LOT DOCTOR IN THE ER. 

so i get home to a sweet padre and zachary who i had not seen since christmas. they all say this doctor is whack and that i could not have cancer. mama says that too. i turn my phone off because i don't know how to tell anyone this. its not real if i don't say it so i don't. throughout the day i start telling people. i was only going to tell Jan. but then it started spilling out and i started crying and my mama was in the shower crying too and i told all my people. and some of them told their people. and i just kept copying and pasting the same thing because i did not know how to keep answering people. then noah and megan got here and we laughed a lot. and played Clue. and sat in the sunshine and i got sunburned because i am not supposed to be in the sun. i also had to put medicine up my butt twice on sunday and that is a really not enjoyable thing to do because it burns people. IT BURNS. 

i slept all sunday afternoon because i was a little (lot) depressed. noah and megan had left and i was hot and mad. so i stopped talking and that was that. 

the surgeon today did not say much. he says yes you may not have cancer. but yes you may. so i have to have an MRI and maybe a lung biopsy after that. 

everyone keeps asking me how i feel. i have no idea. i literally don't know. yesterday i told chelsea i was scared. i also told her i would probably become an atheist if this was real. because, who makes a baby with a crazy medical condition and 50+ surgeries then when she is about to start her real life and career gives her cancer. i'm not down with that. God and I are still speaking but I am actually very mad. that's okay though. God is good at taking it. I am sad and mad and confused. I don't know what to tell people. I don't know if it's like using the quote unquote cancer card. i don't know. i also don't want to make light in any way shape or form of my favorite people on earth who have had cancer. i don't want to compare myself to them only to find out that its not real. that i just have a freakishly large spleen and my lungs and spleen just happen to have polkadots of bad spots on them. i don't know. i don't know any of this. i emailed my professors because people told me to. i just want to be outside and run and play basketball with kevin yi. 

what does this all mean? i've got no MF clue. honestly. hopefully in a few weeks I'll have more of a clue. i'll have answers and a hope and a masters degree. the unknown is hard ya'll. 

the heart of life- john mayer

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

i think i am finally out of a really long really hard season. that seems scary to write because, what if i'm not. what if i'm wrong. jan always calls me out on being the type of person who waits for the other shoe to drop, for things to get bad. i don't enjoy where i am enough. so, i will not live in fear and i will not delete that first sentence. i am out of a really long really hard season. spring break changed things for me. i drove to north carolina with mary and i was rude and angry and so annoyed with everything in life, including her. she was kind. i was not. then i kinda broke down around charlotte and told her i wasn't happy. i wasn't ok and i didn't know how to be ok ever again. i had a similar conversation in the dark with jan several days before. i wasn't happy and couldn't remember the last time i was happy. i kind of had told brandon these things and he reminded me of times when i had been happy since he had known me. i did not want to be annoyed and mad and rude to my best friend or my other friends or anyone really.

 january-the beginning of march was one of the hardest times in my life. i didn't even want to blog because it would just be negative and hard and not hopeful. i wasn't hopeful anymore. i feel like every blog i have written since...always....has been about how life is hard and i was in a season of waiting and it was hard. but january brought new hardness that i had never experienced before. i spent the majority of those months sitting in my closet doing work and crying and patrick henry died and i got in car accidents and i was sick and i would just cry.

so i drove into the sunset into my favorite town in the entire world confessing these things to mary. she is really really good at giving grace. she forgave me and listened and knew the hard things too. then i sat on sarah thomas' front porch and hugged her kids and it was good. then i drove around gardner webb and sat in a parking lot and watched the sunset. because, sunsets in boiling springs are unreal. and i felt a little more alive. then i continued to drive around. then i got to the fitz farm and no one was home and jax and i sat on the porch and read and rocked and i felt a little more alive. then i sat on couches i have sat on hundreds of times and listened to women who i love talk about life and hard and good things and we prayed and i felt a little more alive. i went to bed full and happy. i woke up and ran (which was literally a miracle in itself considering the day before i was doubled over in pain due to my stomach) and drove sarah thomas to work and dropped her children at school and got to love on the people that i love and then mary and i sat on the porch with red the chicken and jax. and i told mary that i felt restored. i literally felt like a balm had been rubbed on my heart and body and soul and that i was new. i breathed country air and ran under big skies and all i could think of was the word restore. i felt like i was being restored. by my favorite town, by long drives, by being really raw and honest with my best friend. by big skies. by a man who lavishes words of affirmation upon me like i've never known before. by talking about jesus. it was all so good

and life has been good since then. like, really. i've hung with friends more. i've been annoyed less. i've started running again-a lot. i've laughed more. i've been home more. i've let brandon into my life even though it seemed scary. the lord has been so good to me. i feel so restored. i just listened to Those Who Wait by Bethany Dillon and i loved it like always, but i didn't feel like it was the story of my life. then i decided to write this blog. about moving out of a season of waiting and into a season of restoration. i think those seasons could have been simultaneous but they weren't. i waited and longed and spent an agonizing time crying out. and slowly but surely the lord has been opening my eyes to how good he is and how well he works and how i am being restored. the long winter is over, and i am grateful.

i've been obsessed with this song the past few months that is played at Hope almost every Sunday called Resurrection by Elevation Worship and the chorus says "the resurrected king is resurrecting me" and amen to that. i am being resurrected. jesus is so good and i am being restored. all these really great and crazy and unexpected things are happening in my life and i am constantly surprised and grateful. listen to that song and drive around and it'll change you a little bit i think.

Friday, February 19, 2016

listen. the past 3 months have been total shit balls. January/February have not been the best. i still have hope for 2016 but so far its not been kind. let's recap.

  • a lot of traveling for 2 (beautiful really great perfect) weddings back to back weekends
  • being pulled over by cops twice
  • patrick henry having a stroke
  • having to put patrick henry to sleep
  • sickness
  • car accident
  • more homework due in a two week period than i've had in the entirety of grad school
  • having 2900 million extra things on top of that to do for school 
i literally lived my life the past few weeks saying to myself "hm i wonder what will happen next? will i get get mugged today? will i get hit by a car? will our house burn down?" i literally was just waiting for more bad things to happen. i told my people constantly that i was exhausted and i was in crisis / survival mode. for 3 weeks straight. there was no respite from it. i wasn't thriving i wasnt happy i literally sat in my closet with patrick henry the sparse time i had at home or i came home and went straight to my room to do endless amounts of school work. i was met with a lot of love and grace, but it was hard. it was a really hard three weeks. 

as i was thinking about it, and thinking about what i would blog about this week, i breathed a deep breath and realized that this week is the first week i have felt whole again. i have been with noah and megan a lot, i have laughed more this week than the last three combined, i have had time to hang out with people i love and miss, and i have worked out. 

i am a very firm believer in ebenezers. setting up physical places where God shows up. they help us remember and are good to look back on. so besides showing you all the crap from the past three weeks here is hopefully a longer list of the good. a lot of these revolve around patrick henry dying, which is sad, but he is free and not in pain and running around with jesus so i think he's okay now.

  • getting to dance with two of my favorite people at their weddings 
  • getting to wake up at the fitz' farm on a Sunday morning and have breakfast with brandon and the boys like no time had past since i lived there
  • being in boiling springs and having it feel so perfect and so much like home 
  • getting to spend a whole day with zoe, shannon, and emily, and being completely known and love and encouraged by them, because really, they are my best people. for the past 20 years. 
  • chelsea facetiming me the hour before i had to take patrick henry to the vet office
  • noah and other people spending time researching hedgehog illnesses, diets, buying him food, and trying to figure out why he was so sick. 
  • hilary literally getting in a car accident on the way to the vets office but powering through and meeting me there to hold patrick henry, help me make the decision, and hold me and ugly cry with me when i said bye to him. then proceeding to talk about buttholes to make me laugh because i needed to laugh. 
  • all my brothers and sisters instantly sending me text messages after my mom told them and feeling very loved. 
  • new and unexpected friendships and relationships that were honestly divinely timed because i couldn't do life on my own these past three weeks
  • noah sitting in my closet at midnight on a sunday night crying with me and saying bye to patrick henry 
  • getting in a car accident and texting every man i know in this city and having jacob literally appear out of no where to help me put my bumper back on my car. 
  • getting in a car accident with a really friendly girl who was mega chill. seriously, if you're going to hit someone at leas pray you hit someone nice-it makes it so much more enjoyable. 
  • having jan literally stalk me on find my friends to come meet me in the rain to give me a hug and tell me she didn't know why all these things were happening to me
  • friends who come over literally for just half an hour visits, because thats all the margin we have sometimes. 
  • gabbie offering to not eat lunch on account of me forgetting my lunch. hungry best pals for life. 
  • cards and hugs and a lot of love for people who love me and loved patrick henry 
  • longer days & good sunsets
  • jesus being kind and good 
  • people who love me when i'm 9999% a mess
  • the hope of future adventures and joy to come.

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

ya'll. i'm not in acres of hope yet. incase you were wondering. i feel like i keep asking Are we there yet? are we there yet? and it has yet to happen. (if you're confused as to what this place is that i'm referring to please scroll to the post below) 

go listen to this song- or just turn it on while you read this. ya'll its so good.

 When the Saints- Sara Groves

this past weekend i went to a women's conference called un/defined put on by my church here in richmond. i haven't been to a womens conference since colorado and that was such a weird time in my life i think i felt a little weird again. but i sat with 4 ladies i have sat on floors with every wednesday for the past year and a half and it was good. and we sang. and some cried. and i prayed fiercely for them. and for myself. 

we sang the song You Make Me Brave by Bethel and it struck me how incredible it was to be with 900 women singing these words. women who are older, younger, have traversed way more miles and heartbreak valley's and acres of hope than i have in 25 years and they were all still asking to be made brave. 

sometimes i think i'm really brave. i think i've done brave things. i think i do brave things. this past wednesday i told those above mentioned 4 ladies that in the past six weeks i've probably gone on like 15ish first dates and they were all like Wow you're inspirational and you're brave. i was like ya'll are straight crazy i'm a dope who is STILL not choosing things that give me life. first dates are so goofy and I'm over them. 

this weekend at the conference Nicole talked about trying to fill the gaps in our lives versus choosing to root ourselves in the truth and in jesus. (there was a vase with flowers and water involved...you can imagine it i bet) and that got me. i've just been filling the gaps. filling the sorrow and the holes in my hearts with more and more swiping and laughing at things that aren't funny and joining more and more sites hoping that THIS one will lead me to happiness. 

so as i sat on the floor at old navy yesterday cleaning the girls clearance section wishing i had someone to text (yes everyone who is reading this is probably a friend of mine who i could have been texting i get it) i thought to myself, hannah, you're just trying to fill the gap more and more. why? 

then it hit me. what i'm doing is not brave. trying to satisfy myself in my own flesh and going on a bajillion terrible dates is not brave. it'll be a lot more brave to delete all these apps and rely on the Lord. i texted Mary and said "I went to a women's conference last night and today and I'm at work crying and feeling very weary. I don't know if my heart is hardened towards the lord or if I just don't want to abide in him and am resisting. I don't know. I'm not okay" and as we do with each other, she did in fact reassure me that i was okay. she's nice like that. 

why is being brave so scary? why is it such a hot topic? because we aren't brave? like i said, i think i do brave things (actual brave things like chase the Lord all the way to Brazil and fight for justice and love and joy and gratitude) but man, sometimes being brave is hard. so I've been praying. Lord make me brave. I mean it could be super tangible and deciding to stop trying to date, maybe it'll look different than that. I honestly have no idea. but i am grateful for a God who allows me try and seek and knock. so here's to being brave friends. whatever that may look like. 

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

i've started and deleted this blog several times. it could be the most honest thing i've ever written. when i talked to mary about it on sunday night it took me several times to even get the words out for how bad i felt about them. for how honest and raw they were. and how shitty they made me seem. but, ever since chelsea taught me about honesty six years ago i have to be honest, because that is the only way things make sense to me.

“And now, here’s what I’m going to do:
    I’m going to start all over again.
I’m taking her back out into the wilderness
    where we had our first date, and I’ll court her.
I’ll give her bouquets of roses.
    I’ll turn Heartbreak Valley into Acres of Hope.
She’ll respond like she did as a young girl,
    those days when she was fresh out of Egypt. 

hosea 2:14-15 message 

so i decided sometime last week that i was tired of doing everything wrong. of seeking attention in wrong things and spending my time unwisely. i wasn't making bad decisions, i wasn't setting myself up for harm, i didn't even feel like i was emotionally hurting myself because i felt pretty numb. then on Sunday I decided to read hosea again. because the book of hosea is all about doing things wrong and being called back to the Lord and back to truth. so i figured it was a good place to start. and chelsea and i love the verse hosea 2:14 in the NIV version that says 

Therefore I am now going to allure her;
    I will lead her into the wilderness
    and speak tenderly to her.


so i figured i could use some tender speaking. 

then i read it in the message version (above) and i was blown away. I'll turn heartbreak valley into acres of hope.  

I'll turn heartbreak valley into acres of hope.  
I'll turn heartbreak valley into acres of hope.  
I'll turn heartbreak valley into acres of hope.  
I'll turn heartbreak valley into acres of hope.  

y'all. that is so good. i wrote it in my journal. i drew a map from my own heartbreak valley with arrows pointing me to acres of hope. and that is what i want for 2016. i want to reside in acres of hope again. 

but how? how do i travel from heartbreak valley to acres of hope. this is where the honesty comes in and the shit hits the fan. because, i think it takes work to travel there. and i wasn't/am not certain i want to put in the work. 

because, ya'll...i forgot what a real relationship with God was like. I forgot that it was worth it. I forgot that it is the best thing i could ever pursue. it seemed so much easier to pursue everything else in front of me. i don't know when i entered into heartbreak valley, or when i forgot that there was only one thing in life that was worth any of my time or effort or love. but i did. so sunday night when i was  face timing Mary i confessed all this to her. i asked her if it was worth it. if it was worth letting go of all this other shit. "so what, i stop pursuing or being pursued by lame guys and spend all my time reading the bible and what...i'm still single? so is it even worth putting the effort in???"

"yes, hannah. it is. you get hope. you get forgiveness. you get grace. you get to live the good life. you get to live the life your soul was created to live."

praise the Lord that i have a best friend who will speak these truths into my life at midnight on a Sunday night after i confess these really scary messy things. She met me with grace. I had already asked God all these questions and I knew the answers but i needed someone else who knows me well and knows my heart to tell me to my face. yes. it is worth it. 

one of my favorite songs is the cost by rend collective experiment and it says

I've counted up the cost
Oh, I've counted up the cost
Yes, I've counted up the cost
And You are worth it

yes. you are worth it. so, here's to trying. here's to coming back to the Lord. it's not a crappy new years resolution. it's a soul resolution. i need this. i know i won't be disappointed. but it'll be hard. 

i think life is a little hard right now. i have felt more materialistic than i maybe ever have. pretty much daily i am buying something, or ...