ya'll. i'm not in acres of hope yet. incase you were wondering. i feel like i keep asking Are we there yet? are we there yet? and it has yet to happen. (if you're confused as to what this place is that i'm referring to please scroll to the post below) 

go listen to this song- or just turn it on while you read this. ya'll its so good.

 When the Saints- Sara Groves

this past weekend i went to a women's conference called un/defined put on by my church here in richmond. i haven't been to a womens conference since colorado and that was such a weird time in my life i think i felt a little weird again. but i sat with 4 ladies i have sat on floors with every wednesday for the past year and a half and it was good. and we sang. and some cried. and i prayed fiercely for them. and for myself. 

we sang the song You Make Me Brave by Bethel and it struck me how incredible it was to be with 900 women singing these words. women who are older, younger, have traversed way more miles and heartbreak valley's and acres of hope than i have in 25 years and they were all still asking to be made brave. 

sometimes i think i'm really brave. i think i've done brave things. i think i do brave things. this past wednesday i told those above mentioned 4 ladies that in the past six weeks i've probably gone on like 15ish first dates and they were all like Wow you're inspirational and you're brave. i was like ya'll are straight crazy i'm a dope who is STILL not choosing things that give me life. first dates are so goofy and I'm over them. 

this weekend at the conference Nicole talked about trying to fill the gaps in our lives versus choosing to root ourselves in the truth and in jesus. (there was a vase with flowers and water involved...you can imagine it i bet) and that got me. i've just been filling the gaps. filling the sorrow and the holes in my hearts with more and more swiping and laughing at things that aren't funny and joining more and more sites hoping that THIS one will lead me to happiness. 

so as i sat on the floor at old navy yesterday cleaning the girls clearance section wishing i had someone to text (yes everyone who is reading this is probably a friend of mine who i could have been texting i get it) i thought to myself, hannah, you're just trying to fill the gap more and more. why? 

then it hit me. what i'm doing is not brave. trying to satisfy myself in my own flesh and going on a bajillion terrible dates is not brave. it'll be a lot more brave to delete all these apps and rely on the Lord. i texted Mary and said "I went to a women's conference last night and today and I'm at work crying and feeling very weary. I don't know if my heart is hardened towards the lord or if I just don't want to abide in him and am resisting. I don't know. I'm not okay" and as we do with each other, she did in fact reassure me that i was okay. she's nice like that. 

why is being brave so scary? why is it such a hot topic? because we aren't brave? like i said, i think i do brave things (actual brave things like chase the Lord all the way to Brazil and fight for justice and love and joy and gratitude) but man, sometimes being brave is hard. so I've been praying. Lord make me brave. I mean it could be super tangible and deciding to stop trying to date, maybe it'll look different than that. I honestly have no idea. but i am grateful for a God who allows me try and seek and knock. so here's to being brave friends. whatever that may look like.