ecclesiastes 11:10 (NLT)

 So refuse to worry, and keep your body healthy. 

psalm 94:19(msg)

The minute I said, “I’m slipping, I’m falling,”
    your love, God, took hold and held me fast.
When I was upset and beside myself,
    you calmed me down and cheered me up.

psalm 94:19 (niv) 

When anxiety was great within me,
    your consolation brought me joy.

things are okay even though they don't feel okay. everyone reassures me that i'm okay. that i'm not lazy. that i'm doing the best i can. that the Lord has me where i'm supposed to be. that if i didn't struggle my faith wouldn't be as real. that doors are closing for a reason. that i'll find the perfect job. that i am loved. that i am wanted in this town and with these people. 

i think those things are true. most of them anyway. my heart on the other hand...doesn't believe them. i feel anxious, i feel like i'm floundering, thoughts consume my mind of not having a job for the next 5 months. of not being able to love people, not being able to visit people, not being able to pay people for services they provide for me. people are being so gracious to me. i have to talk myself out of the thought that there is a hint of pity in their voices and their eyes when they tell me to not worry about paying them. 

but i'm finding hope. in crazy beautiful sunsets, in heart to heart text messages, in driving stick shift successfully, in hanging with smiling babies, in grocery shopping with my best friends, in making davis and walker laugh by acting like a dinosaur, in scripture at perfect times, in friends racking their brains trying to figure out jobs i can do, in the song holy spirit by jesus culture, in honest conversations with josh, in laying with two of my best friends in a comfortable twin sized bed, in ceiling fans at brcc, in encouraging texts from friends old and new, in lunch time phone conversations with sam, in prayers prayed daily for me, in falling asleep peacefully, in an abundance of tears, in grace and mercy i don't deserve. 

i just had the thought that i wish my life was an adventure right now. it usually is but i think i'm missing the adventure. the adventure is now. there's no details, there's no waiting. you just do them (bob goff) i'm going to try to just do it. to choose the adventure and not wait for anything to come around. 

romans 12:1-2 
 So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

this is an offering if i choose to offer it. God's still not waiting for the arrival, he's waiting for me to surrender this. all of this. the complaints, the tears, the questions, the joy. all of it is an offering. loving davis and walker is an offering. it is good. 

Sometimes I have to combat the bad things with the good things in my life. This is one of those times. I need to remember the goodness and mercy that followed me this summer. I talked to Sam about it a lot the day cdh ended and I haven’t written about it to process it yet. This is the start of that process.

camp ended and I rejoiced. It was a hard and good summer. I was sick almost constantly. I laughed more than I thought I would. I didn’t cry much. I worshipped more freely than I ever have before. I was accepted and loved madly. I was pursued fiercely by the Lord. I made more boundaries than I ever have before in my life and the Lord protected me within those boundaries and my life and heart got a lot richer because of it. 7 women spoke truth into my life and heart on a daily basis. I healed more than I knew I had to heal. I let go of anger I didn’t know had deep roots in my heart. I felt more free than I ever have. (I’ve tasted and seen the sweetest of loves, where my heart becomes free and my shame is undone. – holy spirit. Jesus culture.) I told Sarah a few weeks ago that I thought I was confident in the Lord and who He created me to be before this summer but my expectations and reality were vastly different. I felt more whole than I ever have. This wasn’t a mountain top-splitting my heart open experience. It was day in and day out confidence and truth and love from the Lord.

I don’t let the Lord love me how I deserve to be loved or how He wants to love me. We accept the love we think we deserve. What love do I accept? I accept love when I feel easy to love. When I like myself. When I like my life. Its easy for me to feel love in those times because I’m not a mess. When its midnight and I’m in bed drinking and sad its not easy for me to feel love. Its not easy to let the holy spirit work in my heart and intercede for me. When I doubt or feel like I’m faltering I don’t want to accept the grace and mercy I accepted two hours ago when I was happy and content and it was light out. I don’t let Jesus take over the darkness for me.

hunger for more tonight-holy spirit.jesus culture.

Matt told Meghan who told me that we are treasures and we are to be sought not to seek.

surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life. God said the creation was good on day one, not just when it was finished on day 7, He says I am good now, where I am, in the messy process, in the 12:30 am tears and prayers. He sees it is good and knows that it will be good further along in the process too. Now that is worthy of my hope and joy.

tonight I changed the atmosphere not just in my room but in my heart. It went from being sad and bitter to spirit filled and hope-filled. Heather fox would be proud.