Sometimes I have to combat the bad things with the good things in my life. This is one of those times. I need to remember the goodness and mercy that followed me this summer. I talked to Sam about it a lot the day cdh ended and I haven’t written about it to process it yet. This is the start of that process.

camp ended and I rejoiced. It was a hard and good summer. I was sick almost constantly. I laughed more than I thought I would. I didn’t cry much. I worshipped more freely than I ever have before. I was accepted and loved madly. I was pursued fiercely by the Lord. I made more boundaries than I ever have before in my life and the Lord protected me within those boundaries and my life and heart got a lot richer because of it. 7 women spoke truth into my life and heart on a daily basis. I healed more than I knew I had to heal. I let go of anger I didn’t know had deep roots in my heart. I felt more free than I ever have. (I’ve tasted and seen the sweetest of loves, where my heart becomes free and my shame is undone. – holy spirit. Jesus culture.) I told Sarah a few weeks ago that I thought I was confident in the Lord and who He created me to be before this summer but my expectations and reality were vastly different. I felt more whole than I ever have. This wasn’t a mountain top-splitting my heart open experience. It was day in and day out confidence and truth and love from the Lord.

I don’t let the Lord love me how I deserve to be loved or how He wants to love me. We accept the love we think we deserve. What love do I accept? I accept love when I feel easy to love. When I like myself. When I like my life. Its easy for me to feel love in those times because I’m not a mess. When its midnight and I’m in bed drinking and sad its not easy for me to feel love. Its not easy to let the holy spirit work in my heart and intercede for me. When I doubt or feel like I’m faltering I don’t want to accept the grace and mercy I accepted two hours ago when I was happy and content and it was light out. I don’t let Jesus take over the darkness for me.

hunger for more tonight-holy spirit.jesus culture.

Matt told Meghan who told me that we are treasures and we are to be sought not to seek.

surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life. God said the creation was good on day one, not just when it was finished on day 7, He says I am good now, where I am, in the messy process, in the 12:30 am tears and prayers. He sees it is good and knows that it will be good further along in the process too. Now that is worthy of my hope and joy.

tonight I changed the atmosphere not just in my room but in my heart. It went from being sad and bitter to spirit filled and hope-filled. Heather fox would be proud.