Thursday, January 29, 2015

i am online dating. and spending a lot of time feeling insecure about it, hating it, enjoying it, reading about how to do it better, and wondering if i spent $100 for no reason. in december i downloaded okcupid and talked to some peeps, wasn't selective, felt weird about it, stayed up too late looking at profiles, and eventually going on some fun dates. then i dated. a boy. for two weeks. and i learned all these really bad things about myself that i am still processing and wrestling with and therefore feel the need to post about on the internet.

i told myself in august that after 6 months of living in richmond i could online date if: i felt like the Lord was cool with it, my grades were good, i had good community, i was serving in some way at my church, i was working, life was good. then the semester ended and i got bored. sometimes i think some of the heartache i've had over the past month and some change is because i didn't wait. because i cheated on my promise with God. and then i came to the realization that God was probably laughing at me about this thought and was still cool with me. i've been reading james and holding tightly to the fact that God desires good things for us. he may or may not be the provider of these things, maybe we choose them, but he delights in our joy. and that is good. he is a good good father.

i dated. and i found out i was jealous. a jealous person. i did not know that. i also found out that i can be a little crazy and serious and intense. again, i did not know this. i still don't know how to reconcile these things in my little heart. i pray about them a lot. i have sought wise counsel. i have tried to see the value in these thoughts and feelings and triple checked myself to see if the frantic feelings i am experiencing are actually rooted in truth, and i just don't want to accept them. i'm still not sure.

my friend jan recently told me that its okay that i am desiring a partner and desiring monogamy and desiring the traits i desire in this person. she said she couldn't back it up with our textbooks but that she was pretty sure this was a normal life cycle thing that happens because we get to a point where we are confident with ourselves and our path in life and feel ready to bring someone along for the adventure. this made me feel less crazy. i am grateful for that.

dating is so weird and so hard and results in a lot of funny stories. being out of college and in your mid twenties is so weird. i don't have guys who are friends. 1) because i just moved to a new city 2) because that is not something i want to cultivate in my life. i have literally one guy i would say i was friends with. so like, how do i meet people to date? life is funny.

all i can do is seek the lord. and sit on my couch every morning and in my car every day and say AM I DOING OKAY? because if i am not please strike me down. because i am going to do this until i shouldn't. and then i cry and then i hope that i am okay and that i'm not accidentally not listening to him. because i am trying. and setting boundaries. and having standards. and trying to not be an idiot. its a little hard though.

i think life is a little hard right now. i have felt more materialistic than i maybe ever have. pretty much daily i am buying something, or ...