Thursday, March 25, 2010

I'm restless. Big time.

There Ain't no reason things are this way.
It's how they always been and they intend to stay
I don’t know why I say the things I say, but I say them anyway.
But love will come set me free
Love will come set me free,I do believe
Love will come set me free, I know it will
Love will come set me free, yes.
-Ain't No Reason by Brett Dennen.

I'm not content to sit in my dorm room. I'm not content to just look at all my Guatemala pictures a hundred times a day and cry. I'm itching to go back. I'm itching to travel. I'm itching to make a difference. I fully know you don't have to go to a third world country to make a difference in life. Trust me. I know. I think that's the path some people do have to take though.

I know it's kinda a trendy thing to love Africa (Stuff Young Lifers Like) but for the past three years I've been obsessed with going there. I just want to travel. My friend Annie studied abroad in South Africa a few semesters ago and I'm still obsessed with her pictures. I want to go!

I'm also not content with America. I'm not content owning over thirty pairs of shoes. I'm not content owning over 40 tshirts (I cut that number in half and gave away 20 earlier this week). I'm not content owning stuff. I get in this mood a lot of times in my life but coming back from Guatemala it's in full force. I know we should be in the world but not of it and in the spiritual sense that's fine. I'm struggling with how to live in this world where society tells you to have stuff, to get the latest, to get the new summer outfits for every summer. I can't stand it. We talked about Amos today in Old Testament and Amos 4:1 says
1 Hear this word, you cows of Bashan on Mount Samaria,
you women who oppress the poor and crush the needy
and say to your husbands, "Bring us some drinks!"

He called them (the wealthy) cows of Bashan. I feel like this is me. I have too much. One of the prayers for Yohanna (a girl at Agua Viva) was that she and her family would want for nothing and grow closer to Christ.

I'm really aware of what I say I want and need and how much I complain. I'm also really aware of how much everyone around me does it too. Plank in my own eye, got it.

I don't know why God gave me a heart and a desire to travel and for others if it can't happen. Right now imaging how I would take 10 cases of Ensure to the African jungle so I could live for a month doesn't really seem possible. I'm living in the fact that it'll happen how he wants it to.

I'm currently addicted to the song Send Me On My Way by Rusted Root. So here you go God,

Send me on my way, on my way Send me on my way, on my way Send me on my way, on my way Send me on my way, on my way.

I'm ready.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

i love my life. I'm still processing a lot of Guatemala and processing life so this may not be easy to follow. I don't know. I was listening to snow patrol today while reading for old testament and the song Hands Open came on and I love the song but really listened to it today. Check it.

Hands open, and my eyes open
I just keep hoping
That your heart opens

It's not as easy as willing it all to be right
Gotta be more than hoping it's right
I wanna hear you laugh like you really mean it
Collapse into me, tired with joy

Prob not a Christian band but hello, sweet lyrics. God's up in heaven waiting with arms open for us to run to him and our heart to open and wants us to come with him so joyful we are tired. I'm down for that kind of love.

The babies in Guatemala are probably the most precious babies I've ever known. Unlike most of the older kids, the babies don't know english at all. So if you don't know Spanish you're kind out of luck. Except for the fact that love doesn't need words. If you smile at those babies and open your arms they run to you and want to be picked up. They just will sit on your lap or are willing to be tossed up and down until your arms or lap is tired. Tired with joy though.

Thursday afternoon (our last day) I spent the afternoon hand washing some clothes with some girls from our team and this girl Louisa who showed us all how it's done. Then I passed by Casa Esther (the little girls house) and my favorite little girl Yuli popped down from the window hiding from me. Then I chased her and Lea around on my knees pretending to be a lion and then another 3 hours taking pictures, reading books in spanish, chasing them, and pretending to take naps. Then I chased around 5 of the babies for half an hour before dinner. Tired with joy. I would of chased them around the rest of my life if I could of.

I learned a lot from those babies. I don't always need to talk to people to love them. I need to rest in God's arms sometimes. I need to be inexpressibly happy because someone smiled at me. I need to be a little kid sometimes. I need to be free.

Tonight as I was lying on the prayer room floor (really this is all I do in life) I saw a sign someone made that said Be Intentional but half of it was folded over and I don't read very well and I thought it said Be Infinite. So do it. Don't be defined by this world. Don't be tired just because you've done something that says you should be tired. People asked me thursday night if I was tired and I said yeah duh I just chased babies all day but really I wasn't. Tired with joy. Be infinite and rest in God's ability to be so much more infinite.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

God and I just took a sweet walk. I had been hanging out laying on the chapel floor, the usual, praying and thinking about how I want desperately to be known by God. Actually, how I want to feel known by God because I know he does know me. And how much energy I put into being known by other people and having the desire to be known but I don't actively seek God's presence or enjoy being pursued by Him which I know I am. So we had this good talk and then I left the chapel and put my ipod in and hit shuffle and Orange Sky by Alexi Murdoch came on and I cried a little and walked all around campus listening to it on repeat.. It's from the OC soundtrack so I doubt it's at all christian but these are the lyrics:

When I am alone
When I've thrown off the weight of this crazy stone
When I've lost all care for the things I own
That's when I miss you, that's when I miss you, that's when I miss you
You who are my home
You who are my home
And here is what I know now
Here is what I know now
Goes like this..
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, in your love, in your love

hello. yes. My salvation is in His love. So I felt a little God action going on and divine intervention with that song business. Appreciated.

I don't really know how to blog. Keith said to write about what God's doing in my life. He's calling me to Him. I know that. Sometimes I decide to do these little challenges in my head, not to let go of things to grow closer to God but just because I like challenges. Like opening my backpack before a teacher calls my whole name or like biting my teeth in time with the music in the car. Or like not buying clothes for 6 months or not texting for Lent.

Last week I didn't listen to music for a whole day. It was really quiet. At the verge the previous night we had talked about silence and distractions. I got a lot of those going on. A lot of the time I listen to my ipod while walking to classes. Sometimes it's real intentional because I don't want to talk to people. But most of the time it's because I just LOVE and breathe music. I grew up going to shows, listening to classic rock with my Dad, showtunes with my mom, death metal with my brothers and my first cd I bought was No Doubt's Return of Saturn. I love music. It was hard last week. I laid on my floor a lot of the day in silence. I didn't really hear much but I talked to God more so I guess that was fruitful. I just like challenges. I did it just to do it really. But it was nice to lie on my floor and hang with God more than I usually would, I don't know how music changes that but that's just how the day went.

I'm going to Guatemala in 30 hours. I haven't packed yet. I got an infection on monday. I'm so scared I'm going to get sick bad in Guatemala. I'm praying big.

Listen to Orange Sky, it's beautiful. Lie down somewhere and chill.

i am 12 days into being a married woman and i am finding more joy and more mourning than i expected. i changed my name last week and cri...