Saturday, August 6, 2016

the sky is orange and i am home alone listening to Griffin House and it is very very nice.

summers are very hard for me. last summer i was more depressed than i've ever been. i cried in my closet often. i was in a terrible unhealthy yet mutually beneficial relationship because he was also depressed and unhealthy. this summer is so different from last. it has still been hard. i graduated three months ago and still don't have a job. i'm certain i've applied to over 70 jobs by now. this isn't what i expected or wanted. but it's so sweet in some ways. i get to see my friends often. i still work about 40 hours a week, at one job i love, and one i hate. but it also means friday afternoons i can eave work and race down the highway to see my favorite people. it also means i can take two weeks of vacation. i went to the beach with brandon's family for a few days and then he came for the majority of team vaughn beach week. they were both really good and different weeks. his family's trip was different because...it wasn't my family. they are wonderful and kind and funny but they aren't my people. team vaughn beach week was different because i had a boyfriend with me! for the first time! and it was so good. so easy. so fun.

but, last night my mama caught me on the stairs and asked me what was wrong and after saying nothing she hugged me tight and started crying, how mamas do. she told me it was all going to be ok for about the millionth time in the past 6 months. she asked if she had ever been wrong about things being ok before and i said no, because really she hasn't and i'm still alive after 25 years so she has to be right. then she looked at me and said hannah, just enjoy this time. and i don't think she meant the last 12 hours we had at the beach. she meant this life. right now. the in-between time when i'm sleeping in the guest bed because i am too scared to leave this house with noah and megan. this time of pseudo-unemployment. this time of dating a boy two hours away who makes me laugh so much and who faithfully gets me water when i'm done eating to rinse out my food bag. this time of the dog days of hot summer and nesting in a new house and new faces to come home to (including a dog, so that's actually the best). of teaching Clementine the hedgehog to be social.

i so easily get wrapped up in the bigger things. in the what if's and why not's and WHYYYYYYYs. the worries and doubts and fears. and i really get it when the bible says the sin that so easily entangles . because sometimes i feel so entangled. so, here's to laughing in the sunshine and embracing when the sky turns gray and texting your best friends and enjoying things. because, sometimes we need to be reminded to enjoy life, or at least i know i do. there is so much good. and maybe the things like jobs and health insurance and housing and money seem bigger, but i'm going to try to add up the little goods that i enjoy to counteract the bigs. (i'm aware this is a very old and tried and true concept, but i needed a reminder and maybe you do too)

i think life is a little hard right now. i have felt more materialistic than i maybe ever have. pretty much daily i am buying something, or ...