Tuesday, November 29, 2016

i've been wanting to write. i have a list of blogs i want to write. some of them include : what is wrong with christians these days, how i got really freaked out in my relationship last week, the funny things being the mother of a hedgehog teaches me, the ever popular topic of disability, remembering that new jobs are hard.

today i write about none of those. or all of them, we will see what comes out of my little fast fingers. today i saw/read 2 things that i loved a lot. and i heard a song i now love a lot.

"give me the courage to stand the pain to get the grace" flannery o'conner.

"they wish they'd have the courage to live a life true to themselves and not the life others expected of them....how can we be loved if we are always in hiding?" donald miller from Scary Close.


and this song from the civil wars. because i have a lot of people i love in the valleys of life right now and all i want is for Jesus to take them out of the valleys onto the mountains that they love. 

I was sitting in my car on my lunch break and it was raining and i read those words by donald miller over and over and over and i cried. because i want that so badly for everyone. i want people to live how they want to live and not in the expectations of others. i think i'm definitely an anomaly (in many ways) in that i think i'm pretty good at living the life i want to live and don't really get tripped up in others expectations. but, i've learned through 26 years and hard conversations that this isn't typical. this isn't me tooting my own horn, i'm not so sure why i don't care that much about others but i have prayed hard for my heart to be tender towards those that do struggle with that. to those who seek acceptance and love and worth in relationships and people and in the hearts of others. and don't get me wrong, clearly i do it too. and it's so hard not to. but i so desperately want the people i love, to have courage you dear hearts, and live fiercely and boldly and unashamed. 

part of this for me is acknowledging that i have this new really tender heart. i cry a lot. when i'm hurt, sad, happy, overwhelmed with beauty, when i see little baby toes, when i miss pieces of me that are home in others hearts, when i read sentences like those above. and just learning to tell myself that its all ok. i try to talk about it all. i am writing more things down. i am spending more time with jesus. i actually think that's the reason for my tender heart, jesus. i am so grateful. 

Oh the outcast dreams of acceptance
Just to find pure love's embrace
Like an orphan longs for its mother
May you hold me in your grace
Oh won't you take me from this valley
To that mountain high above
Oh I will pray, pray, pray till I see your smiling face
I will pray, pray, pray to the one that I love

i think life is a little hard right now. i have felt more materialistic than i maybe ever have. pretty much daily i am buying something, or ...