Friday, August 23, 2013


ecclesiastes 11:10 (NLT)

 So refuse to worry, and keep your body healthy. 
psalm 94:19(msg)
The minute I said, “I’m slipping, I’m falling,”
    your love, God, took hold and held me fast.
When I was upset and beside myself,
    you calmed me down and cheered me up.

psalm 94:19 (niv) 
When anxiety was great within me,
    your consolation brought me joy.


things are okay even though they don't feel okay. everyone reassures me that i'm okay. that i'm not lazy. that i'm doing the best i can. that the Lord has me where i'm supposed to be. that if i didn't struggle my faith wouldn't be as real. that doors are closing for a reason. that i'll find the perfect job. that i am loved. that i am wanted in this town and with these people. 

i think those things are true. most of them anyway. my heart on the other hand...doesn't believe them. i feel anxious, i feel like i'm floundering, thoughts consume my mind of not having a job for the next 5 months. of not being able to love people, not being able to visit people, not being able to pay people for services they provide for me. people are being so gracious to me. i have to talk myself out of the thought that there is a hint of pity in their voices and their eyes when they tell me to not worry about paying them. 

but i'm finding hope. in crazy beautiful sunsets, in heart to heart text messages, in driving stick shift successfully, in hanging with smiling babies, in grocery shopping with my best friends, in making davis and walker laugh by acting like a dinosaur, in scripture at perfect times, in friends racking their brains trying to figure out jobs i can do, in the song holy spirit by jesus culture, in honest conversations with josh, in laying with two of my best friends in a comfortable twin sized bed, in ceiling fans at brcc, in encouraging texts from friends old and new, in lunch time phone conversations with sam, in prayers prayed daily for me, in falling asleep peacefully, in an abundance of tears, in grace and mercy i don't deserve. 

i just had the thought that i wish my life was an adventure right now. it usually is but i think i'm missing the adventure. the adventure is now. there's no details, there's no waiting. you just do them (bob goff) i'm going to try to just do it. to choose the adventure and not wait for anything to come around. 

romans 12:1-2 
 So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

this is an offering if i choose to offer it. God's still not waiting for the arrival, he's waiting for me to surrender this. all of this. the complaints, the tears, the questions, the joy. all of it is an offering. loving davis and walker is an offering. it is good. 

1 comment:

  1. This was powerful for me to read. i hope to think of this next season the adventure of surrender. love you

    ReplyDelete

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