today is the day before my birthday. it was really really really really special. maybe more special than any birthday has been in a long time. i feel like birthdays carry so much weight and pressure and expectations and i always cry. i mean, there is still time for that but i don't forsee any tears.

nano wished me a happy birthday
i went running and hurt my knee
i am loved.
sarah thomas, her husband daniel and her three childrens came over for dinner and mary did too.
there was a birthday balloon in the middle of the table.
we ate and laughed and i loved it
we didn't complain at dinner, we just laughed well.
then zach made everyone say nice things to me because its a tradition
zach said he is learning a lot from me, that i am black and white and truthful and real about things.
ashley said i was compassionate and funny and that most people aren't those two things together but i am.
micah said he loved that i was so strong and strongwilled and had so much self confidence and was real.
mary said i was her best friend then she cried.
daniel said that the highest compliment he can give a person is that he loves how i love his kids and teach them how to be real human beings.
sarah cried
jeremy said he appreciates that i build him up in his confidence because i am so confident
brian said he appreciates my thoughtfulness and that our friendship is funny and we appreciate funny things and that i'm strong
maggie said that i love her and care for her more genuine than anyone else she knows
sarah stopped crying and said that i'm funny and real and appreciated that i was vunerable to ask her to meet with me and that i love her kids well and that my faith is real and sought after and i'm not ashamed of it or my struggles and that is amazing to her.
alexis said she appreciated that i can see big picture life and not small picture life and i'm teaching her that and that i always encourage her and am so selfless and always help people right then and i put myself aside constantly.
anna said that she knew we would be best friends the first week we were here and that she felt more comfortable around me than anyone else in the house and that we were the deep silence is okay best friends and that she loved it and that i sharpen her faith and teach her not to sugar coat things in life and to be real with people about things.

i fought back tears my lower jaw was literally trembling. i am so loved. then we cleaned up dinner and i opened my package from my mama and then some more presents and then chilled and then zach, jeremy, and micah came in with 6 slushees all different combinations and micah served us all slushees and they were soooo good. then we watched the office and parks and rec and now i'm typing this becaues i don't want to forget it. i am loved.