two weeks down. 14 seems long. today i am sad. no one is home (kari and chelsie left and didn't tell me where they were going or ask if i wanted to go) and i just skyped with mary and ashley and laughed and now i'm crying a little. that's okay. i'm blasting set a fire by will reagan and the united pursuit band and singing it loudly.

there's no place i'd rather be

there's no place i'd rather be

there's no place i'd rather be than here in your love

so set a fire down in my soul that i can't contain and i can't control.

i want more of you god. i want more of you god.

i just counted and actually it's 16 more weeks. i hate my life. i don't actually. ashley made me say i don't hate my life i don't hate my life i don't hate my life over and over on skype. then she told me to call my roommates stupid heifers behind their backs. her advice may not be so sound.

i just don't know what to do. i work hard, i serve the rest of the staff well, i'm considerate. i ask questions and get one words answers. i try to make conversation and i get shot down usually.

lord show me what this season in my life is for. today mary reminded me that i'm exactly where i am supposed to be but i dunno. i mean i know it is true but i don't get it. i know the lord is in colorado and i'm trying to pray and trying to take every thought captive and trying to present but man, i don't know. i don't want the next 16 weeks to be hell. i don't want to go through whole days without speaking english and barely speaking sign language. today i read an article on national geographic about these two guys who walked i think to the north pole (maybe it was antarctica i read a lot of articles today) and they did the whole like 4 month journey in the dark of winter. the article was written before their journey and they said they were most afraid of being in the dark for 4 months. literally no sunshine. i have sunshine, i have mountains and snow and blue skies and beautiful orange sunsets but i still feel in the dark. not with the lord, i know he is with me, but in the dark with this culture and these people and that i'm just going to leave in may and never talk to these girls again and we will have slept next to eachother for 18 weeks and have it not mean anything.

i know i will prosper here, i know i will grow, i know i will have hope that i haven't had before in things, i know i will seek the lord with all my heart because that's about all i can do while i'm here. besides clean 60 mattresses with bleach every other day. but today, it is hard.