Wednesday, April 18, 2012

i have this really ugly side of me that i literally forgot existed until saturday. if you know me, you'll know this side. if you don't know me (christine) get ready.

i like to control things a lot. mostly situations. to my favor and not anyone elses. i like things to be on my time frame and can get cranky if they aren't. i think i've always been this way but it used to be more bossy than it is now. or maybe that hasn't changed. i don't know. i first acknowledged this control problem summer 2010 at discipleship focus in tennessee. realized how much i like to be in control and not the lord. i like to do things when i want to do them and i want things and people to bend around me. i over commit to things and then like to work them all out so i can do everything when i want to. so i acknowledged i had a problem two years ago. acknowledged it and then forgot about it. sometimes i would remember it but not really. then last summer at discipleship focus again i was like oh yeah...that hasn't gone away. weird. so i acknowledged it again and maybe it got better. i guess because i haven't recognized it and have literally forgotten this side of myself that must mean it has improved. maybe i don't know.

saturday night i wanted to do what i wanted to do regardless of anyone. regardless that this was the last night chelsea and i would spend together. regardless that she wanted to have fun too. i wanted to hang with my friends and do whatever and play pool and not hang out with camp people especially mario because he still treats me like shit. i put on my pouty pants and was straight CRANKY. i drove fast and didn't talk to chelsea the whole way to snowmass and was like we are getting dinner with ryan and mario and then i'm leaving you can do what you want but i'm going out with my other friends. (yeah, i really said that, yeah i really am a punk) but then we got dinner with justin and adam instead and i remembered how to laugh and drinks with ryan and mario were okay. only minimal teasing/meanness by mario and i was spacing out anyway. ryan was nice. ryan is great. so life went on. i praised god for remembering that i am a crazy jerk sometimes and that i still got to work on it. so. still trying to be grateful.

i hate that this gross part of me exists though. sin, whatever. but i do hate it. because i don't want to control people or things or really anything because clearly i mess it up. but the lord is good and gracious in that and life is a process and that's okay.

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