I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of. john 10:10


i think i've forgotten abundant life. well i know the answer (ha, as if there is one) is eucharisto. being thankful. being grateful. i haven't forgotten that. i am grateful. grateful for every moment of colorado. the complete crap that it used to be, and the real fun adventure it has turned into. the laughs and tears and grace that i've found here. 


but this place is not full of abundant life. i see it in high school girls i get the priveledge of hanging out with mondays and wednesdays- they want so badly for jesus. when asked what they are living for 5 out 6 said "i know the answer should be jesus, but it's not. i know it should be jesus and i want it to be jesus but it's not" they want it. 


the boys i get to live and dance through life with want something more. we've all had conversations one on one about them wanting wives and children and happiness. they want it. they cover it up for the world by drinking and smoking all day every day so they don't have to remember they don't have what they want or will make them happy. justin says the girl he's shacked up with for the past two weeks was too nice and he's over her. he says he wants a woman to live this incredible life with. adam numbs his depression and his anxiety and self consciousness with constantly being high or drunk. 


tonight christine asked me if it made me sad. if my heart broke for them. at first i wanted to say no because they have good lives and are good people and because my life has kind of become a little numb like theirs has. but it does break my heart. for them and for myself. tonight after young life i put in a cd of jesus songs that my friend sarah thomas made me and i sang and cried and drove home and felt like such a fake. i felt like i didn't deserve to be singing those songs. like the fact that i have chosen to chase boys or be chased by boys or drink and have desires to drink when i have had long days or desires to smoke pot just because i could here, meant i couldn't be singing praises to god. like i couldn't thank him for all the goodness because i had chosen the worlds goodness instead of simple truths. 


i still come back to freedom. that incredible and awful freedom we have. the freedom that i can sing praises because god says i am still his beloved. that i do belong and deserve somewhere i can feel free and that is in him. 


how great is our god.