i'm really bad with change. like, really bad with it. and sometimes it's just silly change. like even going back to college after christmas break i cried every year. even though i knew i was going back to friends and at some points boyfriends, and sweet community i still cried to leave my house. leaving places and going places is really hard for me. i get really quiet and cry. i think it drives my brothers, probably mostly sam, insane. it's like i forget what i'm going to or coming from. like the song table for two  by caedmon's call-

Because I'm so scared of being alone
That I forget what house I live in

i forget where i live and that god is wherever i am coming from and going to.
 
last night justin moved out and then at like 10 adam and keenan came home to pack their stuff up. i watched some friends and adam came out and we had a real talk about life and how i want them to have what they want in life and he was like yeah it drives me crazy that justin chases girls when that's not what he really wants. they know they want real life. gosh. i asked him what he wanted and he didn't really know but it was a good conversation. eventually i moved into their room to watch them pack and laugh with them. they were a little drunk and funny and i laughed a lot. at one point keenan was like what you aren't going to talk and i was like i don't really talk when i'm bummed out and he was like you aren't even crying how are you bummed out? and he talked about how he was excited to move on and exist and travel and we talked about richmond and cdh which was weird and good. then he sang me some jars of clay which i still don't know how he knew or why he sang it to me. adam was doing laundry and i had to go to the kitchen to get keenan some plastic bags so i decided to wait outside the laundry room for adam to come out to scare him because we've been joking about the bear all week. so i waited and he came out and i jumped off the rock and screamed and he screamed and punched me in the throat and kept screaming all the way home and i fell over laughing. it was probably the best thing that's ever happened and i'm glad they moved out so they can't get me back. we listened to dave matthews and sang and drank some gin and i went to bed at like one. woke up and they were packing again and listening to band of horses which kinda always makes me cry anyway so i was sad and got to drive to aspen and talk to my friend nicole from dfocus about her heart and mine and that was good for my soul. came home to the boys pulling out and we said bye and they said they were finding a place to set up camp and i was SO sad. then adam was like see you at like 6 at hoss i'll buy you a drink. hahaha so i'll see him in like 5 hours. and justin. and keenan. really nothing changed at all. i just freak out i don't know why. i think i'm freaking out about leaving the valley anyway and this is just the start of changes and stuff. this weekend chelsea comes and i'm stoked but i also have to say bye to her on sunday. then i have four more weeks here and the last week and a half the girls will be gone and they come home the day i leave so really i only have like 2 more weeks with them. weird. SO weird. i wish it was 6 so i could see the boys again and then go to campaigners.