crap. sorry. i have a lot of drafts written but never edited or finished them. everyone's been hassling me to blog. i think i stopped and then too much happened and i couldn't catch up. i feel that way with letter writing too but my friend presley reminds me there are no dead lines and nothing is ever over-due. for a while i was too sad to blog because my heart loved this place to much to leave and talk about leaving and i wasn't into blogging about that. then the shitith hitith the fanith and i almost quit last week. my parents convinced me not to but i really was about to. the whole time i've been here i've been disrespected and treated poorly just by one employee and he crossed the line a lot and real far and i was over it. then i went to gardner webb and it was maybe the best weekend i've ever had. i hung out with erica a lot (she told me to talk about her) and it really was good. lots of laughs and love and being touched which is new for me again. it was the perfect weekend of everyone and anyone i love at school with the promise of returning in 14 days which was fun. super grateful for it.

i've been hanging with church people here because the girls i party with were in denver and my boys are in arizona falling in love and kari and chelsie are in mexico. i've realized that i've forgotten kinda how to live in community. i still know all the jesus lingo but hearing it made me laughing. hearing this boy cameron talk about pursuing his dude friend in jail because he wanted him to follow jesus made me laugh. i've forgotten what real friendships look like. i've forgotten boys can be nice and not just exist to grab me and dance with me in the club. cameron told me i looked pretty last night and i was literally taken aback.

i talk to mary, erica, and chelsea every day but i've forgotten how to live that life. i hung out with this girl Sayer from church tuesday night and she was real church-y but real great as well. she asked me about my walk with jesus since i've been here and it's been cool to think about that and process that. i think in a lot of ways i'm kinda like a baby jesus lover again. like i didn't go to church for a long time and haven't lived in community for even longer and i don't know the last time i had a quiet time. but i pray a lot. and i've learned a lot about love and freedom and grace. and that is what the gospel is all about. i think we were created to live in community but i think this season of my life was for discovering more about myself and the lord and how to live in this world. cuz, i've been living. the weird crazy life that i have but i've lived. i think i understand people and love people much better than before i moved here. i think i can love high schoolers and see more of their lives because i've been living in such a broken place with broken people.

my whole life has been pretty easy. i mean i have this crazy condition and i get sick a lot and have had over 50 surgeries but like i've never not been around love. i've never not been loved every day of my life. and i mean by people, i know everywhere and always the lord has loved me but i only know that because i choose to acknowledge him. if you don't acknowledge him then it means nothing. so here in colorado i've lived with completely broken people in a broken place. i know the lord is here but like i live and hang out with people that have no concept of love. or that they are loved. and i think high schoolers feel like that a lot. i understand more about broken homes now. i understand why its easy to find cheap love and cheap thrills and cheap drugs because you don't feel or know love.

so i'm looking forward to CDH a lot. but also scared. scared to live in a christian bubble again, even if that's what life is supposed to be like i know its not. and i don't know that i'm comfortable living in that bubble knowing these people and this place and not being here to love them.

i have six days and 15 hours left in this town. i don't feel pressure to like convert the boys. i feel content. content with the crazy adventure that was aspen colorado. i don't know how i'm going to drive off and not worry about talking to our grant writer and helping her or being the only sane person lesa has to talk to. i don't know. i don't know if i'll be back here in a year. i have no idea. that's okay. i want to live and love this town as best i can in the next 6 days and 15 hours.