this is seriously the last post i'll post for a long time

thinking about it a lot, I think at the end of the day Donald Miller is a dude and not the Lord. I think we can definitely make decisions in the spectrum in God's promises. But I don't know how Psalm 139 exists and Jeremiah 29:11 exist if God didn't have a plan. Jeremiah got his call to be a prophet at like age 8, and he was so reluctant. I think that kind of stuff is bigger than us.

I still have NO idea about life and that's okay.

bloggy blog blog, this is annoying I know.

Tonight Brittany and I had a sweet convo and sometimes really wise things come out of my mouth. (or I'd like to think s0)

I've been thinking about Donald Millers blog all day and how cool it is. Brittany asked me what the point of praying was if God had a plan and I said well, he probably doesn't. I was like I think God legit tells us of promises he has for us like freedom, love, grace, and mercy in abundance and we can make our decisions that fit into those paths or choose not love and do whatever. I also said that I don't think it's as much of following God's path as it is that God promises to follow OURS.

Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." Isaiah 30:21.

I don't think that can be abused to do what we want and go kill people but I think if we are truly seeking God's will then decisions can be made. I don't think God knows where I will put my foot down first thing when I get out of bed tomorrow but I know his mercy will be new and his love will be bigger than I can know.

Maybe I'm all wrong and I'm totally limiting God in all of this. I don't know. But I'm good living in those promises, especially in his love.

After writing all that and being lame and crying some more I'm better now.

1 Chronicles 28:9-10-- And Solomon my son, learn to know the God of your ancestors intimately. Worship and serve him with your whole heart and a willing mind. For the Lord sees every heart and knows every plan and thought. If you will seek him you will find him.

Check. I know it's true.

On another hand- I happen to commune with nature quite often and have labeled myself the Nature Whisperer. Soon I will be on Discovery I'm sure.

I kicked a squirrel once

I caught a fish with my bare hands

I try to make friends with the ducks and geese all the time

Chelsea and I saw 2 snakes, 4 turkeys, and caught a turtle named Turty all in a one hour period

I saw two cats doing it on the quad last night

I saw a squirrel dig a hole in the grass and stick his head in it then pull his head out to look at me and stick it back down, like an ostrich.

A puppy on the quad ran away from it's owner to run to me because I'm irresistible to animals

I'm sure there are more. But basically I'm Eliza Thornberry from the Wild Thornberrys and can pretty much talk to animals.

My friend Brittany just texted me and told me to remind her of an encounter she had with a squirrel today...clearly it's common knowledge that all animal things should be brought to me to handle.

Last Tuesday night I went to hear a lady speak on her two trips hiking the Appalachian Trail.

Last week I finished reading Into The Wild for the 1000th time in my life.

Last week I ended up crying my eyes out at the end of the Verge because of how alone I felt.

I never think of myself as different, I really don't. I'm 19 and I should be in college and am. I have everything I need to do life. I'm livin and loving it. Except for last week.

There is so much I want to do in life and my heart is so big and I felt so shot down last week. I am more than okay with the idea of moving to another country when I graduate. Too bad I can't just go into the African wilderness and eat some berries or hike the App trail and eat a pack of granola as I walk. 6 months of food for me is 1,080 cans of Ensure. Let me just carry that on my back. No big deal. I couldn't even go to Guatemala for a week and carry my own food, everyone had to put cans in their suitcases for me. I am too independent for my own good sometimes and hate relying on people. I told my friend Amy how I was feeling and she was like Hannah there is PLENTY of people in your life now and that will be in your life that would help you make your dreams come true whatever they are. That's cool and all but I wouldn't want to.

I shouldn't be alive and I am. No one thought I was going to live. I'm totally confident in the Lord and his plans for me but it's so unfathomable. Maybe I'm not confident. I don't know. I posted last week about desires of the heart and how God grants them to you. I guess I'm not satisfied still and thats why they aren't granted to me. I know he's still working stuff out in my heart and that's appreciated.

I'm addicted to the song Something Beautiful by Needtobreathe.

In your ocean, I'm ankle deep
I feel the waves crashin' on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be
But I can't figure out, yeah I can't figure out

Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your tide rushes over me
There's only one way to figure out
Will ya let me drown, will ya let me drown

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

I just feel like I know where I need to be and I don't feel like it's here and I don't want to drown. I just am so scared of wasting my life away. I don't want all these passions to go to waste.

My friend Maura sent me this last week

living life in christ is an adventure. listen to gods voice. the "still small voice" as allison calls it. if he's telling you, preparing you to go, then don't let our worldly world hinder you. shake the dust off your sandals.
if god's holy spirit is calling you, tugging your heart towards whatever it may be that seems impossible, in god, in his promised holy spirit, it is not. nothing is impossible for god.

--all these feelings were redeemed last thursday by reading Ecclesiastes all day and it just made sense to me. i keep beating myself up about having money and having things and it was like no enjoy the gifts god gives you and drink and be merry and enjoy life in the sun

but know that everything is meaningless

which is kinda

depressing

but focus on the lord and his work

and just live

Psalm 20:4 (New International Version)

⁴ May he give you the desire of your heart
and make all your plans succeed.

Psalm 37:3-7

³ Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

⁴ Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

⁵ Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:

⁶ He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

⁷ Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;

"As you delight yourself in the Lord in these and other ways, God adjusts your heart to be in tune with His. Then the longings that grow in your hearts --- the seeds of which are sown during your time with your heavenly Father --- will be His desires for you. And of course He will satisfy that godly hunger. "

here is my hearts cry. still.

i'm not satisfied.

my heart is confident in you, O God; my heart is confident. psalm 57:7

last year when I broke with Travis (part one) I found this verse and wrote it on my foot as a constant reminder that God was present in my life and I was confident in His plans. I wrote it daily. I'm reading through the bible and yesterday I got to psalm 57:7. Memories came back to me big time. I wrote it on my foot again and it's still true and solid. My heart is just joyful and confident in him right now in life. His plans still reign.

I'm writing a passage analysis paper on Psalm 139 for Old Testament. This semester has been a lot about finding God's promises for me and holding tightly to them and not wavering for anything. It's an infinitely better semester than last where I lost sight of the Lord in all aspects of life. So psalm 139 is my jam currently so I decided to live in it all semester while doing this paper. One of the steps is to write it in your own words. I sat on my floor listening to Nickel Creek Sunday afternoon and read countless translations of this psalm and thought about what it really meant. I finally got to writing

Psalm 139- Hannah Version

1 God you’ve seen me and you know me
2 You know when I’m sleeping and when I’m awake; You know my thoughts from far away
3 You watch my sitting and standing, you know all my ways
4 Before I say a word, You know it completely God
5 You follow me and lead me behind and in front, You guide me with your hands
6 This knowledge is so wonderful to me, I can barely understand it
7 Where can I go from you God? Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go to heaven you are there; if I go deep in the grave you are there
9 If I fly to the ends of the seas and settle there
10 your hands would be leading me and holding me tight
11 If I say, “Surely the dark can hide me, and the sun will become dark”
12 I could still not hide from you for darkness is not dark; night is bright as day and darkness is light.
13 You formed my inmost parts, you knit me together in my mother.
14 I give you praise because I am fearfully and incredibly made. Your work is wonderful, this I know.
15 Nothing was hidden from you when I was being made in the dark and knit together from the depths of the earth
16 You saw my cells in my mothers womb. You already had planned every day of my life before they started
17 How hard it is for me to comprehend your love and thoughts for me Father. They are so numerous.
18 I try to count them- there are more than grains of sand; even if I came to the end you would still be with me
19 God please kill the wicked, get the evil away from me.
20 They act with the world against you and resist you.
21 Lord I hate those who hate you, I loathe those who resist you
22 I can’t stand them, they become my enemies
23 Search me Lord and know my heart. Test me and know all my thoughts
24 See if there is any sin in me, and lead me in Your way.

this step was incredible to me. Putting truths of the Lord in my own words and my own heart. Knowing that he made them for me. Knowing all those You's in the psalm were really for me. Since most people that read this are writers, try it out. Write this verse in your own words and see the truths God has for you. It's awesome.

¹⁷ Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,

¹⁸ yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.

¹⁹ The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,

habakkuk 3:17-19

these people's lives were at stake and they were still rejoicing in the Lord. I'm learning to be content with what I have. (sup Keith). Actually I am content with what I have. Overly content and I still don't want all the junk I have.

I'm not content with the world though. I'm not content that so many companies use sweatshops. I'm not content with the chocolate industry. I'm not content at all with Nike. I'm not content that I own Nike shorts. To trash, or not to trash? They already got my ten dollars, I can't do anything about it now. I give up shopping.

I am content drinking kool-aid out of a mason jar and wearing cut off jean shorts though.