Last Tuesday night I went to hear a lady speak on her two trips hiking the Appalachian Trail.

Last week I finished reading Into The Wild for the 1000th time in my life.

Last week I ended up crying my eyes out at the end of the Verge because of how alone I felt.

I never think of myself as different, I really don't. I'm 19 and I should be in college and am. I have everything I need to do life. I'm livin and loving it. Except for last week.

There is so much I want to do in life and my heart is so big and I felt so shot down last week. I am more than okay with the idea of moving to another country when I graduate. Too bad I can't just go into the African wilderness and eat some berries or hike the App trail and eat a pack of granola as I walk. 6 months of food for me is 1,080 cans of Ensure. Let me just carry that on my back. No big deal. I couldn't even go to Guatemala for a week and carry my own food, everyone had to put cans in their suitcases for me. I am too independent for my own good sometimes and hate relying on people. I told my friend Amy how I was feeling and she was like Hannah there is PLENTY of people in your life now and that will be in your life that would help you make your dreams come true whatever they are. That's cool and all but I wouldn't want to.

I shouldn't be alive and I am. No one thought I was going to live. I'm totally confident in the Lord and his plans for me but it's so unfathomable. Maybe I'm not confident. I don't know. I posted last week about desires of the heart and how God grants them to you. I guess I'm not satisfied still and thats why they aren't granted to me. I know he's still working stuff out in my heart and that's appreciated.

I'm addicted to the song Something Beautiful by Needtobreathe.

In your ocean, I'm ankle deep
I feel the waves crashin' on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be
But I can't figure out, yeah I can't figure out

Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your tide rushes over me
There's only one way to figure out
Will ya let me drown, will ya let me drown

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

I just feel like I know where I need to be and I don't feel like it's here and I don't want to drown. I just am so scared of wasting my life away. I don't want all these passions to go to waste.

My friend Maura sent me this last week

living life in christ is an adventure. listen to gods voice. the "still small voice" as allison calls it. if he's telling you, preparing you to go, then don't let our worldly world hinder you. shake the dust off your sandals.
if god's holy spirit is calling you, tugging your heart towards whatever it may be that seems impossible, in god, in his promised holy spirit, it is not. nothing is impossible for god.

--all these feelings were redeemed last thursday by reading Ecclesiastes all day and it just made sense to me. i keep beating myself up about having money and having things and it was like no enjoy the gifts god gives you and drink and be merry and enjoy life in the sun

but know that everything is meaningless

which is kinda

depressing

but focus on the lord and his work

and just live