i am spending the day at mark and paige's beach house all by myself. aka...my life is glorious. and i am so grateful. i laid in the sand for a long time this morning trying to be still and quiet and telling God i was ready to hear from him. instead i got the song Body Language by Jesse McCartney stuck in my head. Last night at diner Paige was advising me on how to treat some girls here who I have had issues with and she said "you only have a limited amount of time left to plant seeds...so love them as best you can". Inbetween singing Body Language and the ocean lapping at my toes I thought about where Jesus tells Peter to feed his sheep. I turned that into my prayer. It wasn't too hard because it wasn't like I heard or even thought God said "pull the toenails off a girl" so it wasn't like I had to really question whether feeding his sheep was a good idea or not. I prayed that in the 9.5 weeks I have left that I would be able to do that. then I got insecure. I've been battling in my mind the concept or thoughts that I am a bad missionary. I do not lead bible study. I do not constantly talk to girls about jesus or pray with them or lead them in spiritual matters. I've been insecure that my time here will be a waste if i do not lead a girl to Christ or see active fruit in a girls life due to something I told her or did for her or with her. All these things are really stupid things to think about because they all revolve around me. 

i do not do all the aforementioned things. i do however-love these girls, laugh with them, stroke their arms when they are crying, play incessant games of uno with them, lend them my nailpolish, cook scrambled eggs with them, have my quiet time on my porch every morning and wave as girls walk by my house, and live a lot of life with them. 

i've been remembering lately that my everyday life is my testimony and that all these things can be holy and saturated with the gospel if my heart is in the right place. so, i think that is good. but i can be encouraged and remember to carry on and to not become weary which lately i have been. 

as i jumped the waves and continued thinking i also thought that i need to seriously change my vocabulary. my friend heather last summer taught me the value of changing the atmosphere sometimes. in your heart, in your room, in your life. sometimes you really just have to change the atmosphere. you can't always change the situations or circumstances but you can change the atmosphere. i've been needing to change my vocabulary though. i have been so accustomed to saying things are hard or just okay or sucky or whatever and i decided that that probably makes god pretty sad. every day he gives me a day and tries to give me things that will bring me joy, if nothing else--himself should bring me enough joy--and every day i get sad or lonely or frustrated and give up hope. i try to reclaim joy, i read books about hope. i try to love girls out of my own heart and every day i feel weary. i think if i stopped being such a selfish idiot for a minute though i could really think of some great things. like today. like a gracious day at the beach all alone. girls telling diana to tell me to come home soon because they miss me. the excitement i have about having two cool girls live with me soon so i don't have to be all alone forever now. also, enjoying my last few weeks of solitude in the apt. life is good. i hate that i'm so slow to realize that and be okay with it. i hope my vocabulary can change and that when i leave this place i can remember the good and not just say...that was hard as shit for 6 months. 

good thing God is in the buisness of redemption and is already redeeming this time and will continue to do so.