if I were to have titles for my blogs...which i don't because i hate titles and subject lines on emails--it would be this

how to-do lists & praise ruined my life.

i am a hard worker. i have had odd jobs since i was 16, worked all through college, graduated college with a job in my field of study, did an intense year long internship which required much work where much was expected of me and i usually received much praise for my job well done, and august to December of 2013 i held 6 jobs at one time. i have been told over and over and over by multiple bosses how efficient i am, how hard of a worker i am, how intelligent i am, how competent, how effective i am at tasks, and many other praises. i was taught to make to-do lists and enjoyed the satisfaction of crossing things off. i'm the type of person who adds things to my to do lists that are already done just to cross them off. i know how to prioritize, make goals, and use time really efficiently. somewhere along the way those things worked their way into my soul. i didnt know it. i didnt know it until they were taken away. dont really know what you got till its gone ya know.

all those high praises sound like im boasting and tooting my own horn. at some points in life i have been prideful and boastful about those things. but you know what? i'm learning that they dont matter. if we dont use them wisely or unto the Lord as we are instructed to do about 14345 times in the bible they are pointless. i read an article on the gospel coalition today about sin and it talked about natural and un-natural sins. we can fairly easily recognize un-natural sins (killing, lying, stealing...ect) but the natural sin in us is what gets us in the long run. maybe it takes moving to another country to see it. i'm not sure. somewhere along the line when those praises buried themselves in my little heart they turned into an idol i didn't know i was worshiping until it grew real big. then i arrived here. i know i talked about this in a previous post so i wont talk about how i feel inadequate and pointless and wandering aimless in this place because i dont have task lists and am not being praised for holding hands and playing soccer. lets be real i will NEVER be praised for my soccer skills because they dont exist. so, slowly (or not so slowly because i have been here only 5 weeks) insecurities began to fill those holes in my heart that the idol of work had made. i think it works like that. things poke holes in our hearts and then other things seep into those holes. thats why we are commanded to let the fruits grow deep in our hearts-to get rid of all the bad things. thoughts of insecurities, of failure, of worthlessness, of confusion, of comparison crept in. and they are all lies. i have to combat the lies with writing down and praying circles around truth daily. people may already be tired of encouraging me and speaking truth into my life but i am so grateful that they do. most days i believe it. most days are great. but those things still have their thorns in my heart and if i'm not ready to fight them with truth they dig a little deeper as opposed to being a little more removed every day.

this morning as i was listening to the new ellie holcomb cd (go buy it right now) she sings Love never fails and i've heard that plenty, shes not the only person to write a song about it, i've read it in the bible but the lord did a sweet little whisper in my ear and said Love never fails and Love never sees you as a failure. Thats big. He promises to never fail me and never will which I feel good about but knowing that the opposite is true is good too. That He never fails me and that when He looks at me he doesn't see my failures as failures. He doesn't see me sin and judge me accordingly. He is still love and is ready to love me.

so, God is busy wrecking my self perception and my accidental idols of work. It is good. and messy. but really good. I am grateful. some days my journal is covered with the word grata which is the portuguese word for grateful. muito muito muito grata. a lot lot lot lot lot grateful.