became lawyers not lovers
questioning, interrogating, giving stink eye adds to our darkness

we need kindness, listening ear, hold space for us, need the reminder that we are going to be ok

if love has an agenda it is no longer love. it seems like you're trying to be helpful but you're not. its easier for people to grow when they are loved and accepted not helped, fixed, or informed

being kind odes not mean you're enabling people it just means you're being kind

not everyone has to be on your side or see your point of view

the only destination we have is jesus' feet

expand your bandwidth for joy

i've been learning a lot about control lately. mostly about how much i crave it. back in 2009 in the smokey mountains of tennessee i learned how badly i crave and use (read: abuse) control. I've always known that I am a bit of a mastermind when it comes to guilt tripping, manipulation, and controlling. probably has something to do with being very catered to as a child due to ridiculous medical situations. I  have a different direction for this blog so I don't want to go too far down that rabbit hole of my childhood and why I am the way I am. another story another day.

i've known about the enneagram for several years now. every single time i take the assessment i come back as a 2. as a social worker, being the helper, makes a lot of sense. i've gone back and forth between 2 and 8 a lot due to my overtly honest nature. what gets me every time is the not great qualities of the 2: neediness, guilt tripping, and manipulation. what a JOY i must be.

the need for control has reared its very ugly head lately. brandon has brought up my tendencies to nag and control. it is not my favorite thing in the world to be called out for the bad qualities i possess. especially ones that i have identified and worked hard to change. the work may never be done. this conversation sent me into a pretty bad anxiety attack spiral where all i felt like i could do is grasp tighter, control more, and continue to choke out the goodness and joy. luckily i have a very kind husband who is quick to bestow grace and understanding and compassion. all the while probably being wary of these tendencies i possess.

as i continue to process these things the biggest justification i have is: it is really out of love. it may be the mothering instinct in me. i don't know honestly. we continue to have conversations about money and food and work and all the little things in life that I want to control and somewhat can but mostly can't and I keep trying.