i ran today. running is the only activity i do in life that makes praying come easy to me. it seems so natural to me to praise the lord for my little body and for the ability to run. there are other things in life i should have never been able to do (live, talk, create food to sustain myself) but prayer and thanksgiving doesn't come naturally in those areas. just running. 

i hate the first two miles. they are agonizing and i curse a lot for having the desire to run and even though i am thanking God i really am just mad at my body and wish i was a better runner. then mile three hits. and my stride kicks in and i am finally free to really think and process and pray. i know this is happening because my upper thighs turn bright pink and so do my arms and i can finally unclench my fists. 

i have been really obsessed with Your Glory/Nothing but the Blood by All Sons & Daughters recently. I listened to it on repeat on my run today and almost every hill i ran up coincided with the lyrics "hallelujah jesus you are good." so i would run up the hills singing loudly. today i am not one hundred percent certain that i know this to be true. but saying it over and over and over and doing hard things made it more real to me. 

sunday morning i read this.

For a child has been born—for us! the gift of a son—for us! He’ll take over the running of the world. His names will be: Amazing Counselor, Strong God, Eternal Father, Prince of Wholeness. His ruling authority will grow, and there’ll be no limits to the wholeness he brings.

Isaiah 9:6-7 MSG

and i can't stop thinking about it. most translations say prince of peace. that's alright too. but wholeness. man. i need that. we all need that. we need to feel whole and stop trying to fill ourselves with other things. i've been really bad at that lately. i'm especially bad at it when i feel hurt, which i have felt lately. 

chelsea and i talked about being whole the other day and she said this

the word in hebrew is טםים, (ta-miym) & it means complete or whole. one of my fave words

to that i replied "duh wholeness means being whole"

it's amazing she loves me as much as she does. 

i don't have any thoughts or solutions. i know jesus is the only thing that can make us whole. it is hard though. go run around until you hit your stride and ask him to make you whole. that kinda feels better.