Monday, November 23, 2015

it is cold out. the first sink in your bones, make you draw sharp crisp breaths as you walk, cold. and i love it. soon i'll hate it but today i love it. i've not slept well the past five days and have listened to Motorcycle Drive By by Third Eye Blind probably over a hundred times. this morning i drove to work while the sky was black and the stars were bright and i screamed along with the lyrics and breathed deep belly breaths because jan tells me i have to.

yesterday i went to church and i did not want to. i had a hard conversation in the car before i walked through the doors and i clenched my fists and made myself walk in. i was supposed to hang with the best little 4 year old buddy Benjamin but he didn't come. they asked if i wanted to hold the babies and i said yes because i needed to hold life and be hopeful about things and babies have that power. then they had too many people so i couldn't hold the babies. then i went to the service with clenched fists and i grabbed the chair in front of me and gripped it till my knuckles turned white. the old lady next to me asked me if i was okay. i said no but it was okay thank you.

cold weather reminds me of colorado. never have i ever felt more alone or more alive. i remember standing on my porch at 7,500 feet when it was zero degrees out at midnight staring at the stars and moon and wondering what the hell i was doing and why i was so alone and where in the world was God. i doubted God in Brazil in the sunshine too, but i think it's easier to doubt God in the cold than in the sun. in colorado i had mountains to climb and a river running through my backyard to throw rocks in on the daily. now i sit in my closet and hold patrick henry (despite his lack of wanting to be held) and use excellent time management skills to write papers the day before they are due. i drive and yell and go to the grocery store in my pjs, because i am tired and burdens are heavy to bear right now.

so i'm mad at God. for other people mostly. and the world. i know he is big and i know i have hope but i am mad. i feel like swinging some fists and getting some answers because we need some.

this semester has kicked my ass. not having a fall break and working typically 70 hour work weeks with no days off makes a girl tired.

(i get that all my blogs are the same. get over it)

i still believe gratitude changes everything. all the time not just when turkeys are slaughtered.

friends who greet you at the door with apple cider spiked with whiskey are good.
oversized sweaters are good.
motorcycle drive by by third eye blind is good.
laughing around a dining room table with homemade food is good.
finding things to laugh at about at 6 am at old navy is good.
falling flat on your face in front of a new employer is good.
one eyed turtles named blinky are good.
getting A's on statistics exams is good.
laying on the floor with my favorite roommates on a Saturday night is good.
being known and loved is good.

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