this is about honesty. 

last week i was asked what i thought was worth fighting for. my first answer was honesty and my second answer was justice. someone asked me why honesty. they said why not justice first or the lord or your family or your friends. i said i do not know. i just believe in honesty. i think god did too because as far as i know he/jesus/the holy spirit don't lie. so i think its pretty high up on the value list. i think honesty is worth fighting for. i think honesty is really hard. mostly really all the time it is hard. i'm not talking about the "do i look fat in this" kind of honesty. because sometimes that is mean and makes people sad. actually, maybe that honesty is okay because it leads to other conversations about things like self image and being comfortable or not. i digress. i mean the real, soul-wrenching, painful but freedom inducing honesty. 

i get it, i'm an upper middle class white girl talking about honesty in the wake of a whole lot of not honesty and tragedy. this isn't about that. or it is about that but i am not trying to weigh in or sway anyone. in fact, my friend matt had the best social media post about Ferguson i saw all day. "Please do not debate this. ‪#‎BlackLivesMatter‬ ‪#‎PrayForFerguson‬Peacemakers seek justice for all."

honesty. hard. for some reason i am good at it. probably the number one compliment i recieve is related to my honesty. this is funny and encouraging and sometimes scary to me. a week ago i was in a room full of women, some of which i knew, most i did not. they all answered this question about me "what is one thing i am not embarrassed about" their answers were "your body odor, your opinions, boys, anything because your are honest, and your problems" okay so really for being in the same room as some of these women for the first time IN MY LIFE and them only spending 3 hours with me playing a board game this is what they got. granted, i had just run a half marathon that day and could not really move or think but either 1) i am entirely too talkative or 2) i am entirely too honest and share way too much way too soon.  i was telling my friend diana this story the other day being slightly mortified about how these women picked up all these things from me in a very short time span. and diana reminded me that it is good. that a lot of people are not honest and it is refreshing (and sometimes a little scary) to meet someone who is honest like i am. 

two years ago i lived in a house with 8 other people and it was hard and fun and messy. at the end of the year we were talking about first impressions and how we felt about each other when we moved in the house. two of the girls said it was hard for them to love me or feel loved by me because of how honest i am. i remember being so humiliated and sad in that moment. they know me well though and knew i'd feel this way. they continued and said hannah no, we are radically different because of that in you. it is scary at first because this world is not like that but it is good and life giving and life changing. (i dont remember the words they used because really it was two years ago but it went something like that---thanks maggie & alexis) 

when people call me out for being honest or for even being a safe space for honesty it baffles me and is hard. i do not wake up and say i'm going to be really honest today and try to make friends or enemies because of it. maybe i don't have a filter. maybe i've just had some hard things in life that have made me a little weary and i decided along the way i was going to share those with people. i'm not sure. neither decision feels consious or intentional. i just know that i'd much rather live life with people talking about the mess than keeping the mess inside me. i know that i have been set free by other people being honest and if i can carry that on and walk with other people in their messes and maybe get to help/watch/participate them being set free from things too then why wouldnt i. 

back to this-god is honest. i think we were made to be honest. or maybe honesty came when the fall came. i don't know. but i think honesty reveals things and maybe starts a path to freedom. we have been reading books in my social justice class about oppression and dictatorships. naming things-naming oppressions-naming problems sheds light on them. it gives ownership to them. even if it really shitty. giving people names for things, even for oppression type things is a start. i think naming comes from honesty. comes from the honest reality of what is happening. naming things also can create unity with other people who have named things as well. if i name what is happening to me as oppression and you do too then there are two of us. and that is where change starts. naming, dialoguing about naming. it is all honesty. and hard. and scary. 

i am not saying honesty leads to all wonderful things. honesty leads to hard things too. loss of friendships or relationships, death, jail, i don't even know. honesty is not always believed. this friends, is why it is worth fighting for. clearly i am not a criminal-i hope to never be one. i do not know what it feels like to be a criminal and lie about it. i do not know that i would have enough integrity to be honest about crimes that i had committed. that seems the scariest. i can't even imagine it so i won't write about it. jesus was honest about who he was and he was murdered on the cross. i do not for a second think that jesus thought it would be better to stay on earth and hide who he was and lie about his identity rather than die for the human race. he was honest. he didn't even like being honest i bet. he prayed he would not have to be honest and would not have to die. honesty won in the end and radically changed my life & the entire course of human history because of it. 

i think honesty is worth fighting for. it is hard. but it is worth it.