On Fridays we have hope. The kids don't have school on the weekends but the office is still running because someone has to be in charge in case a kid breaks their arm or runs away or osmething. I tend to have no desire to work on the weekends though and instead lounge around watching movies with the kids and hiding behind my house tanning in a plastic chair. Tanning is frowned upon here so I do my tanning in secret. The sun is shining and I am grateful and embracing it. This week has not been great. Lots of rain means lots of bugs and spiders seeking shelter from the bad weather. They must of all heard that I am a great host and a really fun girl because they are all seeking shelter in my house. This hs led to a shockingly high murder rate of spiders in Brasil. I only sometimes feel bad about it. I have written a lot of blogs over the past 24 hours of how bad this week has been. I could tell you these things so you will feel bad for the missionary with no power in the middle of the summer in Brasil. Or I could tell you the things God is teaching me instead-because I think that is much more long lasting than several bad days in a row. And because chances are if you read my blog I have already at length told you of all the bad things that have happened this week and there is no sense in re-hashing them.

I have friends who have a hard time trusting God during the good happy parts of their lives. They find it easy to seek him and rely on him fully when things are rough and the world is beating them down. I am the opposite I am learning. I have a pretty joyful disposition that I have cultivated over the years. since the concept of gratitude entered my life circa 2009 with the reading of One Thousand Gifts my life has dramatically improved. I find it easy to seek God and his grace and love in the good things because I have come to acknowledge the good gifts that He has given me. I can sing a thousand praises of his love and see His hand in the good. When things get hard it is so much harder for me to see Him. For me to rely on Him. Even when I make my daily list of gratitude. The smaller the list is the harder it is to see Him. I hate this about myself. I hate that I am not content with the smallest of daily gifts. I desire more. Sometimes it is just hard to see the much more though. I have not sought the much more this week. I have thrown up 911 prayers of Seriously God, I don't want to live here. This is hard. If I see one more spider I will lose it. If I have to sleep one more night with no power resulting in no fan resulting in hot restless sleep I will maybe seriously die. As I have been writing this and thinking about this I realize maybe I have a pretty crappy view of God. If I only see Him in the good and in the abundance. I don't want to cheapen his grace or Jesus' surrender on the cross. In Utmost this week Chambers has been talking about total surrender. God didn't spare anything-nor did Jesus- on the cross. He didn't halfway die for our sins. Or die for half our sins. He totally surrendered it all on the cross and we are called to do the same. We can't accept the cross and the sacrifice it was and then only surrender half of ourselves in return. The sacfirice must be equal. I can't just surrender and acknowledge the good. I've got to figure out how to surrender the bad. I eventually get there and get over the pouting and talking to 5000 friends before I talk to the Lord. I remember to journal and remember to pray and sometimes I feel better.

During this Lenten season I have decided to pray for 7 areas of my life daily. Those areas are family,friends, the Lar, grad school, relationships, ministry in RVA, and dreams/the future. I have 7 people, areas, thoughts within those 7 categories so I pray for one aspect of each area a day. I am learning to sit before the Lord more. Praying for 7 people or areas takes time of sitting and being quiet. I'm not too good at either of those things. It is good though. I am finding comfort and having a calmer heart after doing that. It has been good this week to at least have that 20-30 minutes daily of quieting my heart before the Lord and bringing things and people I love to the alter of God. I have prayed for myself a lot this week too. I'm never really good at that. I think it is all connected though. I am grateful that my practice of prayer during Lent is happening now and that I am learning to surrender it all in my life. I didn't see the connections until right now. Maybe you don't in this muddled post but I do and that is good. I am learning. Learning about surrender. Learning about the all. Still learning about the much more that I am promised and am invited to live in. Learning to have hope in more than just sunny friday mornings.