Thursday, January 9, 2014

This is a little late.

I spent New Years Eve sick on the couch with my sister Megan, who I have spent the past 3 New Years with. Sometimes she was sick, sometimes I am. We tend to never make it to midnight anyway. As we laid around in our pjs we dreamed of the new year and what would happen in it. We dreamed about the weddings, travel, moving, and babies that would hopefully enter into our family this year. We talked of things God would do, and where He would show up in our lives and hearts this year. We contemplated our ONE WORD for the new year (resolutions are so last year-one word mantras are in). Neither of us could come up with a good enough word to measure our year with but we vowed to figure it out.

Over the past week I've thought a lot about my word and what I want 2014 to be dictated by. I'll spend the first 7 months of the year in Brazil and then transition into grad school and moving to Richmond in August. The words that I rolled around my heart were  Joy, Hope, and Peace. I may need to start reading the dictionary to learn more than five letter words but I really felt like those words were sinking into my heart. I actually got scared of peace - I felt like it was a word I would never be able to live up to, especially living across the equator from everything and everyone I know and love. I thought about hope as in, I am living a hopeful mindset and have hope for things to come. I didn't want my whole year to be looking forward to things to come though, I wanted to be grounded where I was even if it was hard. Then I chose Joy. Joy means I am choosing God despite my circumstances and surroundings. It means I acknowledge the hard things and remain faithful. It means I dig a deep well of joy whenever I can find a shovel because the hard days may outnumber the good ones and I better be well prepared. Joy lets me choose my actions and responses.

Two days after I chose Joy to dictate my year I was very adamantly not choosing it. I had a few hard days of being stuck indoors and wallowing around and crying. I would tell myself to fix my face and to choose joy, and then an hour later I would tell myself to choose joy again. Joy has not dug deep roots in my heart yet. Selfishness, lies, bitterness still have roots in my heart. I think this year as I abide more and more those things will be weeded out and joy will be sown deep down. That is my prayer. That I can learn deep, unchanging joy this year. I don't know what my life will look like even a week from now when I am waking up in Brazil for the first time. It may be hard. It may be lonely. I may wake up crying. But, I will choose joy. I will read love letters from my friends and family. I will trust in the God of wonder who is at work in my heart planting seeds of joy.

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