last night brian micah maggie and i went to elevation church in charlotte and out to dinner. those were both really really good. the car ride home was better. we talked about relationships and lack of relationships and what relationships do for us, for the better or the worse. at one point maggie asked me if i was jaded towards relationships. i didn't know what that meant so i asked if it meant cynical.
(jad·ed tired, bored, or lacking enthusiasm, typically after having too much of something)

i said i didn't know but i didn't think i was cynical towards getting in another relationship. she 

said she didn't really think i was either. then i told her that micah told me that matthew

 emotionally damaged me which i laughed about but is true in the scheme of life i just don't 

want to admit it. admitting it meant matthew had the power to damage me and i didn't want

to give him that power. she said he didn't have that power now he did at the time though. that's true. 

then i kinda thought some more about it and how maybe i am cynical to be in another relationship because

i don't want someone else to have that power to hurt me again. but i don't think i'm leery towards guys that

may or may not be pursuing me. hanging out with evan never scares me or to think about dating him doesn't

scare me. he also knows what matthew did to me so pretty sure he wouldn't ever do that. but, i think that i

am cynical about boys in general because of matthew and about how boys talk about girls. i hate it more than

anything now that a boy would do something/have any motivation in life for liking or doing something for

a girl because she was pretty. micah told us that he was moving to dc to work at courtney's house because

the intern mary stone was so beautiful. she was but i got mad that he would change his life for this girl.

so we had a conversation about it and it was really good. i'm also a hypocrite because i'm a fan of good looking

boys and talk about that sometimes. good thing i'm human. 

i don't want to be cynical. i don't want to be scared of relinquishing my heart and power (at some level) to someone 

else someday down the road. hopefully the lord will do that sweet restoring thing he does with people and i'll

be alright when the time comes. 

i don't know why this blog got formatted so weird, it's driving me bonkers but i can't fix it. sorry. 

I should be packing up and going back to work instead of blogging. oops.

i'm learning a lot. i'm learning to be slow to speak and quick to listen. i'm learning that praying is better than giving advice. i'm learning that the lords timing is indeed more perfect than my own. this has been evident in conversations that have manifested themselves, not been forced. this has been in tears and love and hearts being held in hands. i'm learning that i need to be more proactive in life.

four birds sat on a wire together. one decided to fly away. how many birds are still on the wire? four because one just decided to fly away but not actually do it.

no big deal that story just kicked my butt. i need to do the things i want to do not just talk about them. i just wrote a research paper on missionaries to the deaf around the world and that's cool and all but i should do something if i want to do it.

evan asked me to kill fire ants with him on saturday and i left a jar of pickles on his doorstep on monday.

i mean, just trying to live a good funny story.

James 1:19

New International Version (NIV)

Listening and Doing

¹⁹ My dear brothers and sisters,^(A) take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak^(B) and slow to become angry,

life is about driving with the windows down with 5 people in the car all singing home by phillip phillips at the top of our lungs 10 times in one weekend.

julia blogged about the song slow it down by the lumineers and now i'm obsessed with it too. and listening to it as i write this blog. 1 of two blogs today i think.

i want my life to be a good story. donald miller talks about that in his books a lot and y friend michael i lived with in tennessee two summers ago always talks about life as an adventure. that's really how he sees everything in his life, as a big adventure. if things are good or bad or hard or easy it's always an adventure. i love that mentality and have started adopting it. today i thought about how lately my life has been a good story. sunday i played rooftop basketball with mary and micah and then was trying to climb back in the house and i dislocated my rib. today i went to the fair with the people i work with at the vet and i milked a goat and rode a camel and got bit by an ostrich. it was a good story. i've thought about staying up late a lot recently and how i'll remember staying up late and the conversations i have but in a year i won't remember the monday i went to work super sleepy but the sunday night we went to get slushees at midnight because we could. things are bigger picture for me and i like that. alexis says she learns that from me a lot and i can dig it. i want more laughter in my story than words. i want tears in my story because tears are better than holding them back for too long. getting really involved in watching the voice as a house is a good story. playing horse every day with jeremy and micah makes for a good story. smashing windows with basketballs makes for an expensively good story. going to dc for 7 days together is about to be a good story. i want to add things to my story. i want the lord to knit my heart together with these people and other people so they become part of my story as well. anna asked me if i would want to move to greenville with her after cdh is over and i obviously don't know but i said only if it promised to be a good adventure. she said she thought it would. who knows. i don't want my story to be stagnant. there can be points to take a break from reading it or go to the bathroom or get some popcorn but i don't want it to stop or get boring. it can slow it down slow it down and rest but not stop. then i want to die and people to tell my story and incorporate it into their own.