ya'll. i'm not in acres of hope yet. incase you were wondering. i feel like i keep asking Are we there yet? are we there yet? and it has yet to happen. (if you're confused as to what this place is that i'm referring to please scroll to the post below) 

go listen to this song- or just turn it on while you read this. ya'll its so good.

 When the Saints- Sara Groves

this past weekend i went to a women's conference called un/defined put on by my church here in richmond. i haven't been to a womens conference since colorado and that was such a weird time in my life i think i felt a little weird again. but i sat with 4 ladies i have sat on floors with every wednesday for the past year and a half and it was good. and we sang. and some cried. and i prayed fiercely for them. and for myself. 

we sang the song You Make Me Brave by Bethel and it struck me how incredible it was to be with 900 women singing these words. women who are older, younger, have traversed way more miles and heartbreak valley's and acres of hope than i have in 25 years and they were all still asking to be made brave. 

sometimes i think i'm really brave. i think i've done brave things. i think i do brave things. this past wednesday i told those above mentioned 4 ladies that in the past six weeks i've probably gone on like 15ish first dates and they were all like Wow you're inspirational and you're brave. i was like ya'll are straight crazy i'm a dope who is STILL not choosing things that give me life. first dates are so goofy and I'm over them. 

this weekend at the conference Nicole talked about trying to fill the gaps in our lives versus choosing to root ourselves in the truth and in jesus. (there was a vase with flowers and water involved...you can imagine it i bet) and that got me. i've just been filling the gaps. filling the sorrow and the holes in my hearts with more and more swiping and laughing at things that aren't funny and joining more and more sites hoping that THIS one will lead me to happiness. 

so as i sat on the floor at old navy yesterday cleaning the girls clearance section wishing i had someone to text (yes everyone who is reading this is probably a friend of mine who i could have been texting i get it) i thought to myself, hannah, you're just trying to fill the gap more and more. why? 

then it hit me. what i'm doing is not brave. trying to satisfy myself in my own flesh and going on a bajillion terrible dates is not brave. it'll be a lot more brave to delete all these apps and rely on the Lord. i texted Mary and said "I went to a women's conference last night and today and I'm at work crying and feeling very weary. I don't know if my heart is hardened towards the lord or if I just don't want to abide in him and am resisting. I don't know. I'm not okay" and as we do with each other, she did in fact reassure me that i was okay. she's nice like that. 

why is being brave so scary? why is it such a hot topic? because we aren't brave? like i said, i think i do brave things (actual brave things like chase the Lord all the way to Brazil and fight for justice and love and joy and gratitude) but man, sometimes being brave is hard. so I've been praying. Lord make me brave. I mean it could be super tangible and deciding to stop trying to date, maybe it'll look different than that. I honestly have no idea. but i am grateful for a God who allows me try and seek and knock. so here's to being brave friends. whatever that may look like. 

i've started and deleted this blog several times. it could be the most honest thing i've ever written. when i talked to mary about it on sunday night it took me several times to even get the words out for how bad i felt about them. for how honest and raw they were. and how shitty they made me seem. but, ever since chelsea taught me about honesty six years ago i have to be honest, because that is the only way things make sense to me.

“And now, here’s what I’m going to do:
    I’m going to start all over again.
I’m taking her back out into the wilderness
    where we had our first date, and I’ll court her.
I’ll give her bouquets of roses.
    I’ll turn Heartbreak Valley into Acres of Hope.
She’ll respond like she did as a young girl,
    those days when she was fresh out of Egypt. 
hosea 2:14-15 message 

so i decided sometime last week that i was tired of doing everything wrong. of seeking attention in wrong things and spending my time unwisely. i wasn't making bad decisions, i wasn't setting myself up for harm, i didn't even feel like i was emotionally hurting myself because i felt pretty numb. then on Sunday I decided to read hosea again. because the book of hosea is all about doing things wrong and being called back to the Lord and back to truth. so i figured it was a good place to start. and chelsea and i love the verse hosea 2:14 in the NIV version that says 

Therefore I am now going to allure her;
    I will lead her into the wilderness
    and speak tenderly to her.

so i figured i could use some tender speaking. 

then i read it in the message version (above) and i was blown away. I'll turn heartbreak valley into acres of hope.  

I'll turn heartbreak valley into acres of hope.  

I'll turn heartbreak valley into acres of hope.  

I'll turn heartbreak valley into acres of hope.  

I'll turn heartbreak valley into acres of hope.  

y'all. that is so good. i wrote it in my journal. i drew a map from my own heartbreak valley with arrows pointing me to acres of hope. and that is what i want for 2016. i want to reside in acres of hope again. 

but how? how do i travel from heartbreak valley to acres of hope. this is where the honesty comes in and the shit hits the fan. because, i think it takes work to travel there. and i wasn't/am not certain i want to put in the work. 

because, ya'll...i forgot what a real relationship with God was like. I forgot that it was worth it. I forgot that it is the best thing i could ever pursue. it seemed so much easier to pursue everything else in front of me. i don't know when i entered into heartbreak valley, or when i forgot that there was only one thing in life that was worth any of my time or effort or love. but i did. so sunday night when i was  face timing Mary i confessed all this to her. i asked her if it was worth it. if it was worth letting go of all this other shit. "so what, i stop pursuing or being pursued by lame guys and spend all my time reading the bible and what...i'm still single? so is it even worth putting the effort in???"

"yes, hannah. it is. you get hope. you get forgiveness. you get grace. you get to live the good life. you get to live the life your soul was created to live."

praise the Lord that i have a best friend who will speak these truths into my life at midnight on a Sunday night after i confess these really scary messy things. She met me with grace. I had already asked God all these questions and I knew the answers but i needed someone else who knows me well and knows my heart to tell me to my face. yes. it is worth it. 

one of my favorite songs is the cost by rend collective experiment and it says

I've counted up the cost
Oh, I've counted up the cost
Yes, I've counted up the cost
And You are worth it

yes. you are worth it. so, here's to trying. here's to coming back to the Lord. it's not a crappy new years resolution. it's a soul resolution. i need this. i know i won't be disappointed. but it'll be hard. 

i ran today. running is the only activity i do in life that makes praying come easy to me. it seems so natural to me to praise the lord for my little body and for the ability to run. there are other things in life i should have never been able to do (live, talk, create food to sustain myself) but prayer and thanksgiving doesn't come naturally in those areas. just running. 

i hate the first two miles. they are agonizing and i curse a lot for having the desire to run and even though i am thanking God i really am just mad at my body and wish i was a better runner. then mile three hits. and my stride kicks in and i am finally free to really think and process and pray. i know this is happening because my upper thighs turn bright pink and so do my arms and i can finally unclench my fists. 

i have been really obsessed with Your Glory/Nothing but the Blood by All Sons & Daughters recently. I listened to it on repeat on my run today and almost every hill i ran up coincided with the lyrics "hallelujah jesus you are good." so i would run up the hills singing loudly. today i am not one hundred percent certain that i know this to be true. but saying it over and over and over and doing hard things made it more real to me. 

sunday morning i read this.

For a child has been born—for us! the gift of a son—for us! He’ll take over the running of the world. His names will be: Amazing Counselor, Strong God, Eternal Father, Prince of Wholeness. His ruling authority will grow, and there’ll be no limits to the wholeness he brings.

Isaiah 9:6-7 MSG

and i can't stop thinking about it. most translations say prince of peace. that's alright too. but wholeness. man. i need that. we all need that. we need to feel whole and stop trying to fill ourselves with other things. i've been really bad at that lately. i'm especially bad at it when i feel hurt, which i have felt lately. 

chelsea and i talked about being whole the other day and she said this

the word in hebrew is טםים, (ta-miym) & it means complete or whole. one of my fave words

to that i replied "duh wholeness means being whole"

it's amazing she loves me as much as she does. 

i don't have any thoughts or solutions. i know jesus is the only thing that can make us whole. it is hard though. go run around until you hit your stride and ask him to make you whole. that kinda feels better. 

it is cold out. the first sink in your bones, make you draw sharp crisp breaths as you walk, cold. and i love it. soon i'll hate it but today i love it. i've not slept well the past five days and have listened to Motorcycle Drive By by Third Eye Blind probably over a hundred times. this morning i drove to work while the sky was black and the stars were bright and i screamed along with the lyrics and breathed deep belly breaths because jan tells me i have to.

yesterday i went to church and i did not want to. i had a hard conversation in the car before i walked through the doors and i clenched my fists and made myself walk in. i was supposed to hang with the best little 4 year old buddy Benjamin but he didn't come. they asked if i wanted to hold the babies and i said yes because i needed to hold life and be hopeful about things and babies have that power. then they had too many people so i couldn't hold the babies. then i went to the service with clenched fists and i grabbed the chair in front of me and gripped it till my knuckles turned white. the old lady next to me asked me if i was okay. i said no but it was okay thank you.

cold weather reminds me of colorado. never have i ever felt more alone or more alive. i remember standing on my porch at 7,500 feet when it was zero degrees out at midnight staring at the stars and moon and wondering what the hell i was doing and why i was so alone and where in the world was God. i doubted God in Brazil in the sunshine too, but i think it's easier to doubt God in the cold than in the sun. in colorado i had mountains to climb and a river running through my backyard to throw rocks in on the daily. now i sit in my closet and hold patrick henry (despite his lack of wanting to be held) and use excellent time management skills to write papers the day before they are due. i drive and yell and go to the grocery store in my pjs, because i am tired and burdens are heavy to bear right now.

so i'm mad at God. for other people mostly. and the world. i know he is big and i know i have hope but i am mad. i feel like swinging some fists and getting some answers because we need some.

this semester has kicked my ass. not having a fall break and working typically 70 hour work weeks with no days off makes a girl tired.

(i get that all my blogs are the same. get over it)

i still believe gratitude changes everything. all the time not just when turkeys are slaughtered.

friends who greet you at the door with apple cider spiked with whiskey are good.
oversized sweaters are good.
motorcycle drive by by third eye blind is good.
laughing around a dining room table with homemade food is good.
finding things to laugh at about at 6 am at old navy is good.
falling flat on your face in front of a new employer is good.
one eyed turtles named blinky are good.
getting A's on statistics exams is good.
laying on the floor with my favorite roommates on a Saturday night is good.
being known and loved is good.

i think i forgot how to blog. it's been seven months. seven hard months. this summer i sat in my closet, car, carillon, caroline's bedroom, porches, and coffee shops and cried probably once a week. then school started and i thought life would instantly get better and i'd feel like i had a purpose again. turns out my purpose still doesn't rely in the things i do or how i fill my time. shocking.

then 18 hours of classes, 21 hours of internship, and 20-30 hours of work at old navy hit me like a freight train. and i had a little crisis and laid in bed face down while brian rubbed my back and reminded me until my tears dried (and every day since then) that this too is a season. a season of building a future and investing in the rest of my life and that it is going to be really really hard.

britt always reminds me to trust the process because the process is the hardest part but always yields results. i hate the process. not because it involves work, or in my case studying and writing papers and doing statistics and folding 200000 t-shirts at old navy every day. i hate the process because it often brings out the worst in me. i get self centered and do terrible things like hang up on the man i love because i have to pay $13 to park because he didn't want me walking downtown at night time. i complain a lot. i act selfishly and i hate it. then i get mad that i did those things and its just an ugly cycle. when i was transitioning to real food off ensure britt told me every day to trust the process. even when i was going through withdraw from sugar and was REALLY really mean to everyone. (hey, it turns out i was accidentally starving myself too so let's blame some of the mean-ness on lack of food in my little body).

i am grateful for people who walk through the processes of life with me. i am grateful for past experiences with people who have held my hands well in the past and remind me again this time that they are here to do the same. i am grateful that i can text chelsea any time any day and amazingly enough she is always there to meet me with grace. i am grateful for patient family members who let me do me and who are always there to meet me on the couch to watch tv when i have a second.

today in class i took a lot of notes. rarely do i do this. i actually was just doing it because i was trying not to fall asleep. in my 2 pages of note taking i wrote the word hope in the margins and drew three little mountains. and i think that's all i got right now. tiny margins of hope. i know this isn't forever. there are things in life that are forever and i probably won't ever stop wrestling with them. i've been thinking a lot about grief and walking through grief with people i love and it will never make sense to me. i've got to have a tiny margin of hope there too. that the people we love the most who we lose senselessly made an impact. changed our worlds and others worlds. i've got to grab onto any tiny margins of hope i can get these days to carry on.

so find your margins. 5 minutes to sit outside before your 14 hour work day continues, 5 minute dance parties over FaceTime with your best friend, staying up a little later to see the people you love and lay in front of the fireplace together, taking tours of your favorite museums because you can breathe easily in those spaces, whatever. we've all got room for tiny margins of hope if we look. i have hope in that.

life is rich friends. it is hard and messy as crap but it is so rich. for lent i decided to sit for four minutes every day in silence. just sit. (lent started almost a month ago and i've done this like 10 times...i suck) but when i do it its so good. and rich. and maybe half the times i've done it i've fallen asleep face down on my hardwood floors. because life is also exhausting. feeling all the feelings, working, schooling, laughing, crying, dreaming, being together with people. its so good. and so tiring. and i am so grateful.

i have lived a lot of life in the past few months. i've done some of the hardest things i've ever done in my life and been scared and been anxious and have done a lot of fist shaking. i've also been met with more grace than maybe ever before. i've been loved, pursued, chased after by people that love me and by the Lord. I've been met with open arms more times than i can count from people i called strangers 8 months ago. i've facetimed my best friends and have had hard conversations and have cried together from thousands of miles away. i've been able to pack up patrick henry at 11 at night to spend the night at friends houses when i couldn't handle being in my own. i've laughed till i've cried with noah and megan. i've done stupid shit. i've wrestled with the lord. i've loved and lost and missed people and parts of my life i thought i'd never miss. i've thrown my head back and sang at concerts, i've danced really badly with my best friends on sticky dance floors, i've gone to movies on school nights, i've had conversations about jesus and sin and how we are all going to be okay. for a week straight i wrote "you're okay, boo" on my hand just to remind myself and because diana taught me to call myself boo sometimes. i've broken bread and drank drinks with strangers and have grown so much and have loved myself more because of it all.

but you know what is the best. knowing that it is all how it's supposed to be. that in all these things and all these adventures and drives and tears jesus' hand is still guiding me. and that he's still delighting in me. and that has never changed a single MINUSCULE of an ounce despite all these things i've done. and whew. that is rich. damn. so good.

its possible that my favorite song of all time is table for two by caedmon's call. i think they are a christian band? i don't know i didn't grow up listening to jesus music. but this song. IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE. listen to it. on repeat. 29000 times a day until you fall in love. everytime i hear it there is a new line that sinks in my bones and it is just the best. lately i love this part...

This day's been crazy
But everything's happened on schedule
From the rain and the cold
To the drink that I spilled on my shirt


it's all on schedule friends. i don't think jesus plans our every second of every day but he still knows them all. and he is kind and nice and probably has a little chuckle when i spill things on my shirt and when i cuss because i wore my toms and its pouring down rain. 

life is messy and early 20's are probably always going to be referred to as the shitty years but man, lately i'm embracing them. because i KNOW that later in life i will look back on these and laugh. maybe cringe at some decisions but know that i told myself i was okay and i'll know i was. and you are too. we're all okay. even when we aren't okay. which is like all the time really. 

i am online dating. and spending a lot of time feeling insecure about it, hating it, enjoying it, reading about how to do it better, and wondering if i spent $100 for no reason. in december i downloaded okcupid and talked to some peeps, wasn't selective, felt weird about it, stayed up too late looking at profiles, and eventually going on some fun dates. then i dated. a boy. for two weeks. and i learned all these really bad things about myself that i am still processing and wrestling with and therefore feel the need to post about on the internet.

i told myself in august that after 6 months of living in richmond i could online date if: i felt like the Lord was cool with it, my grades were good, i had good community, i was serving in some way at my church, i was working, life was good. then the semester ended and i got bored. sometimes i think some of the heartache i've had over the past month and some change is because i didn't wait. because i cheated on my promise with God. and then i came to the realization that God was probably laughing at me about this thought and was still cool with me. i've been reading james and holding tightly to the fact that God desires good things for us. he may or may not be the provider of these things, maybe we choose them, but he delights in our joy. and that is good. he is a good good father.

i dated. and i found out i was jealous. a jealous person. i did not know that. i also found out that i can be a little crazy and serious and intense. again, i did not know this. i still don't know how to reconcile these things in my little heart. i pray about them a lot. i have sought wise counsel. i have tried to see the value in these thoughts and feelings and triple checked myself to see if the frantic feelings i am experiencing are actually rooted in truth, and i just don't want to accept them. i'm still not sure.

my friend jan recently told me that its okay that i am desiring a partner and desiring monogamy and desiring the traits i desire in this person. she said she couldn't back it up with our textbooks but that she was pretty sure this was a normal life cycle thing that happens because we get to a point where we are confident with ourselves and our path in life and feel ready to bring someone along for the adventure. this made me feel less crazy. i am grateful for that.

dating is so weird and so hard and results in a lot of funny stories. being out of college and in your mid twenties is so weird. i don't have guys who are friends. 1) because i just moved to a new city 2) because that is not something i want to cultivate in my life. i have literally one guy i would say i was friends with. so like, how do i meet people to date? life is funny.

all i can do is seek the lord. and sit on my couch every morning and in my car every day and say AM I DOING OKAY? because if i am not please strike me down. because i am going to do this until i shouldn't. and then i cry and then i hope that i am okay and that i'm not accidentally not listening to him. because i am trying. and setting boundaries. and having standards. and trying to not be an idiot. its a little hard though.