i've started and deleted this blog several times. it could be the most honest thing i've ever written. when i talked to mary about it on sunday night it took me several times to even get the words out for how bad i felt about them. for how honest and raw they were. and how shitty they made me seem. but, ever since chelsea taught me about honesty six years ago i have to be honest, because that is the only way things make sense to me.

“And now, here’s what I’m going to do:
    I’m going to start all over again.
I’m taking her back out into the wilderness
    where we had our first date, and I’ll court her.
I’ll give her bouquets of roses.
    I’ll turn Heartbreak Valley into Acres of Hope.
She’ll respond like she did as a young girl,
    those days when she was fresh out of Egypt. 
hosea 2:14-15 message 

so i decided sometime last week that i was tired of doing everything wrong. of seeking attention in wrong things and spending my time unwisely. i wasn't making bad decisions, i wasn't setting myself up for harm, i didn't even feel like i was emotionally hurting myself because i felt pretty numb. then on Sunday I decided to read hosea again. because the book of hosea is all about doing things wrong and being called back to the Lord and back to truth. so i figured it was a good place to start. and chelsea and i love the verse hosea 2:14 in the NIV version that says 

Therefore I am now going to allure her;
    I will lead her into the wilderness
    and speak tenderly to her.

so i figured i could use some tender speaking. 

then i read it in the message version (above) and i was blown away. I'll turn heartbreak valley into acres of hope.  

I'll turn heartbreak valley into acres of hope.  

I'll turn heartbreak valley into acres of hope.  

I'll turn heartbreak valley into acres of hope.  

I'll turn heartbreak valley into acres of hope.  

y'all. that is so good. i wrote it in my journal. i drew a map from my own heartbreak valley with arrows pointing me to acres of hope. and that is what i want for 2016. i want to reside in acres of hope again. 

but how? how do i travel from heartbreak valley to acres of hope. this is where the honesty comes in and the shit hits the fan. because, i think it takes work to travel there. and i wasn't/am not certain i want to put in the work. 

because, ya'll...i forgot what a real relationship with God was like. I forgot that it was worth it. I forgot that it is the best thing i could ever pursue. it seemed so much easier to pursue everything else in front of me. i don't know when i entered into heartbreak valley, or when i forgot that there was only one thing in life that was worth any of my time or effort or love. but i did. so sunday night when i was  face timing Mary i confessed all this to her. i asked her if it was worth it. if it was worth letting go of all this other shit. "so what, i stop pursuing or being pursued by lame guys and spend all my time reading the bible and what...i'm still single? so is it even worth putting the effort in???"

"yes, hannah. it is. you get hope. you get forgiveness. you get grace. you get to live the good life. you get to live the life your soul was created to live."

praise the Lord that i have a best friend who will speak these truths into my life at midnight on a Sunday night after i confess these really scary messy things. She met me with grace. I had already asked God all these questions and I knew the answers but i needed someone else who knows me well and knows my heart to tell me to my face. yes. it is worth it. 

one of my favorite songs is the cost by rend collective experiment and it says

I've counted up the cost
Oh, I've counted up the cost
Yes, I've counted up the cost
And You are worth it

yes. you are worth it. so, here's to trying. here's to coming back to the Lord. it's not a crappy new years resolution. it's a soul resolution. i need this. i know i won't be disappointed. but it'll be hard.