i'm sitting on my porch in my pjs before i get ready for church and it is so nice. i guess it means i have poor margins in my life that this doesn't happen more often but i wish it would. actually, i've sat on this porch a lot this week in sadness. on wednesday mary and i sat on the porch and said goodbye to eachother for the summer. on thursday i got hurt pretty bad at work and i was sad my best friend had left and before ttc i came out here and read psalm 139 and cried. today i'm sitting here and about to cry because if i think about crying it just happens. i'm also watching a mama bird feed her little baby birds and that is cute and sweet. i'm listening to christ is risen by matt maher. its so good.

trust steadily in god, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. 1 corinthians 13:13
go after a life of love as if your life depends on it-because it does. 1 corinthians 14:1

i have 4 weeks of cdh left. i can either lean in and go after loving these 8 people like crazy...or i can get bitter for how things happened or didn't happen this year. i've spent some of this year being bitter already in the midst of things so i'm choosing love.

phil wickham just came on and it smells like rain and honeysuckle out here. i can't stop thinking about dfocus.

it's may 19th and i was supposed to hear from grad school on may 1st. this is unfortunate only in the fact that if Brazil is my future I want to lean in and start support raising and move forward. i sent in my denial letter to Radford this week. I also cried about that. Micah was rock climbing and Maggie tried to get me to talk to her but i didn't know i was sad about the denial letter yet but i asked micah when he was coming home and he said now if i needed him. i said no but he came anyway. he's nice. so we played with the kitties and talked about brazil.

i am well loved in this house. i will miss lazy saturdays with brian watching shark tank, falling asleep with 3 of my best friends every night, laughing and being scared by zach.

micah had a revelation in family dollar yesterday that we all are the perfect family because we are so skilled.

me- animal knowledge
micah- handiman
ashley- having answers for everything like a mom would
zach- keeping us goofy and honest
maggie- fashion expert
brian- design/party planner
jeremy- pool guy
alexis- child care
anna- musician

grateful for that revelation.

My life is really funny. I’m writing this blog in Word sitting outside the Charlotte Health Center in Meghan’s car while she goes to the chiropractor. Our lives are funny. I’m grateful for her and a free night to drive and laugh and ry and live together.

This time next week I’ll know what the next few years of my life potentially looks like. That is exciting and fun and scary! Not scary mostly just fun and exciting.

I may not move to Brazil but the process leading up to brazil has been really crazy. God has been so involved (as he should be ya know) and its been so good. If nothing else comes of this I still want to write it down and set up Ebenezer’s in my life to remember this time. So I went to Brazil. Then came home and asked Paige when I could move there as a joke. She replied and said she has a job for me and wants me there. I freak out. She says she and Mark have been praying about it since I was in Brazil and they think I’d be such a good fit and good asset for the Lar. She wants me to work in the office because I have good writing skills (in all my emails and messages to her I actually wrote articulately unlike I do in blog form). She wants me to help write grants and scholarship letters and do office things. I inform her that I’ve worked in an office for almost 2 years now and have written grants and gotten them and I love office work. (God thing number one- she asked about office work before I even told her my experience). She said I’d have to learn Portuguese and Portuguese sign language and to drive a stick shift. I’m game. So I see my parents in Chapel Hill the next weekend. I tell my mom and dad and for some reason my mom is literally ecstatic. She says this is what I should do and how do we start and where do we go from here. I tell her to slow down. (God thing number two- no convincing had to happen, my mom wants me to go. She is so good at trusting the Lord with me. It blows my mind) My dad is logical and asks about health insurance. I don’t know. Then I get sick and go to the dr and my dad emails me a lot and tells me he is worried because I’m sick often and what will I do in Brazil. I still don’t know. I tell Paige that and she tells me about health insurance she has. It doesn’t accept pre-existing conditions. Paige goes to a retreat in Sao Paulo and meets the Latin America director of Action International (the organization they are missionaries through) Action provides health insurance for missionaries and they accept pre-existing conditions. She tells the director about me and he is excited and says he is almost positive they would accept me if I became a missionary through them. They accepted a man who was diagnosed with cancer last year. The same day Paige tells me this exciting development my dad emails me about health insurance. He is switching jobs or companies and gets new health insurance soon. Health insurance that somehow has international coverage and acknowledges that on a case by case basis they accept pre-existing conditions. (God thing number 3—two developments on health insurance in one day. Two new options we didn’t have before.) I tell my boss at the vet I may be staying here in August to work until December. They say I can probably have my job back and work full time. Then the started interviewing people and maybe hired someone this week. Womp womp. I prayed about living with Leigh Ann and Brandon and I felt like I should ask them. They happened to ask me to clean their house last week so I’ve been a lot more involved in their lives lately than I usually am. I approach Leigh Ann and Brandon at a t-ball game on Monday night and tell them my situation. I’ve heard they aren’t letting any new people live with them but I figured it was worth a shot. They listen to me and they say yes. I tell them to pray about it and they say no you can live with us from August to February if I need to for free. (God thing number 4—free housing if I need it with a good family. Praise God.)

It has been a crazy fun adventure so far. I think it should be a lot harder than this but it hasn’t been. Paige said I could live at the Lar for free and I would just need spending money and transportation money so even support raising isn’t daunting.

I’ve been thinking about grad school since I got into Radford and I don’t know about VCU yet. I cried to Maggie on Saturday and asked her if I was throwing my life away by not going to grad school and moving to Brazil. She said no, she knows my heart isn’t to be a government social worker. My heart is to help kids. Particularly kids with disabilities. She said I should seize this opportunity. I was nervous to tell Sarah Thomas about it this week but I did. She looked at me and said I should go. She said I can go to grad school anytime (including online in Brazil) and I should do it now while I’m young and single and can.

I might move to Brazil. I’ll know next week. It’s crazy and exciting and so fun. The Lord is just doing all of it. None of this is Hannah Vaughn planning. The Lord is just laying stuff down fast and I’m overwhelmed but not frightened by it. 

i have goals. i have options.

these are the two things zach has told me over and over since i applied to grad school. these are the two things he yelled at me on the phone last night when he ash and brian opened up my radford letter and told me i got in. i got into grad school. instantly my heart sank and later in the evening i cried on the phone to my mom. i was surrounded with love and my best friends though and they assured me that nothing about getting it was a sign. it doesn't mean i have to go or that i can't move to richmond or that i can't move to brazil.

"don't look for signs- if you are looking for signs you aren't looking for God you are looking for affirmation for decisions or choices you are making or aren't making."

i was reminded over and over this weekend by sweet women that the goal in life isn't to achieve my dreams it's to love the Lord well. to love people well. to love my family and friends and maybe future husband well. if i love people well but don't achieve dreams of grad school or being a consultant for non profits or being a missionary my life isn't wasted or in vain. it will still be a race run well.

i think i have to write day by day about brazil before i can write how i feel about it.

• left saturday the 23rd at noon, got sick, got to atl and played a lot of bananagrams.
• got to fortaleza after a long overnight flight plus another flight. got picked up in a vw van and headed to the lar (the orphanage) 
• unpacked changed into church clothes and walked down the street to church.
• church hung out went to bed in a hammock after killing a lot of salamanders and cockroaches. 
• monday mindy and i cleaned out a room full of donated toys and put them in piles and laughed a lot and then monday evening the 6 of us and paige (the lar director) went for a walk with 5 of the older girls from the lar. the girls ended up running and meghan and i decided to run (in toms and with backpacks on our backs) and we've never felt so free.  came back and played soccer and made up funny portuguese cheers and felt full.
• tuesday mindy and i cleaned more rooms that were filthy and organized stuff and lounged at the pool with the kids. we went for another walk/run tuesday night and i outran the girls and they were impressed. came back and played soccer until i felt like i was going to fall over then had a dance party. 
• wednesday we went to the beach and ate fish we watched being caught and got sunburnt and rock climbed and got a piece of plywood and waxed it and went dune surfing. reid broke his toe. 
• sunburn continues and turns into sun poisoning. reid makes fun of me a lot for this and i vow to not complain about it even when my skin is so tight i can't get in my hammock.
• after lunch we go to the school and watch the passion play. nalison is jesus! the play involved a lot of walking but it was so good. loved seeing our kids with their peers and acting out the easter story. it was really powerful. 
• after this we go home and eat then we go to the city with the girls do play music in the town square and do things called vaccinations. this is where we play music and some of the older girls from the lar approach people who are drawn in by our musical abilities and talk to people about sex trafficking. these girls have been trafficked themselves. they raise awareness of how many girls and boys in fortaleza get trafficked and ask people to sign a petition saying they vow to never be involved in sex trafficking or exploitation of children in fortaleza. then we come home and lead devotions. we act out the lady giving two coins to jesus because that is all she had. ingrid became a christian. 
• we go to bed after killing two tarantulas who were getting it on ontop of my towel.
• thursday we go to the slums. we do more vaccinations and then gather kids and hike up to the top of the slums and do a vbs type service. we tell them the story of easter then tell them the entire gospel. it's hot. we go to another slum and do it again. after this we go back to the transition home and rest and chill and laugh until we cry with the girls. then we go out to eat at a steak place and eat chicken hearts and fish eyes and laugh until we cry some more. then we go shopping! 
• friday it is easter celebration time. we kill chickens. literally. josh caught them then you hold them upside down and they pass out then you pull their necks until they snap then you stick them in hot water then you pull their feathers out then you take out their insides. it's unreal. then we dyed eggs and laughed a lot. 
• then we had an easter service and told them the easter story and we got to hide eggs house by house and laugh really hard and eat a lot of candy. 
• then we play a lot more soccer and swim in the pool and hang out. we dye strips of our hair purple and hold girls tightly and wish we didn't have to leave. 
• Saturday-Sunday afternoon we travel and laugh and sleep a lot.

so that is the like schedule. now commentary and funny facts

• d's are g's in portuguese so mindy became mingy which became mange. she embraced it
• reid and i became friends on wednesday when i got sunburnt and he decided to mock me the rest of the trip and is still continuing to do so. i told him our friendship had to evolve past mockery and he said it could and he wanted it to but he'd still mock me. josh and i became friends thursday when we rode from slum to slum and sat next to each other in the van and i said funny things under my breath and he could finally understand everything i said and appreciate it and thought i was funny and we became bffs. 
• on the first overnight flight to brazil the flight attendent moved the man next to meghan and i and i yelled SEE YA really loud and so anytime we left eachother we said see ya really loudly. 
• reid broke his toe, josh got electrocuted, sarah didn't poop for 9 days, mange got 1st degree burns, meghan got a rash, and i had a little sun poisoning. 
• monkeys live in trees, cows and donkeys live on the streets and highways, salamanders, poisonous frogs, tarantulas, cockroaches, beetles, and hornets lived in our house
• i could sleep in a hammock the rest of my life, i may not buy a bed next year and just sleep somewhere i can hang my hammock.
• h's and r's are switched so rihanna becomes hiranna which is really really funny
• justin beiber can bond people together
• running makes friends in all countries
• if you don't know how to communicate just say musica and dance really loudly and funny

facts about the lar

• 80% of children at the lar have been abused or trafficked or exploited. 
• there are 4 parts to the lar. the little to older girls home (where we stayed) with 3 houses (little, middle, and older girls houses each with a house mom [tia] ), the little to middle boys home right down the street from the girls complex with 2 boys houses, an older boys home, and a transition home where girls in college stay
• the lar is open for anyone who is considered an orphan which is a child with 1 or 0 parents according to the UN. there isn't an age limit and as long as they are progressing they can stay there. there are no locks on doors. they are brought to the lar by social workers. 
• one of the biggest things we learned and appreciated is the joy the kids have. with all the junk they have had in their lives they still run to strangers arms and hold our hands and kiss our heads. how do you do that? how do you trust a stranger when you've been abused or mistreated or seen your family killed? the lord is bigger than all that, that's all i know. 

how i feel

• i'm ready to go back. i want to live there. 
• things that felt burdensome and heavy here the past few weeks didn't feel heavy there. it was thursday when i realized i hadn't thought about situations or people and was so surprised i hadn't thought about anything bad all week.
• i ran freely and lightly through the streets of brazil guided by street lights eating cherries off trees with girls until our sides hurt. 
• the lord was gentle and good to me and i can see his renewal working through the girls i spent time with. 

this is janielle. she haunts me in a beautiful way. she took to me really quick and is so sweet. as you can kinda see in this picture she has tattoos on her arms. 4 in total all over her forearms. one says crazy life, one says her moms name, one says another word, and one is a heart with an S in it. Paige can't tell us details of kids pasts but she said janielle literally has the worst past you can imagine. she said think of the worst things you can ever think of and that is janielles life. so i can't even imagine what she's been through but literally just the thought of someone sitting down and putting tattoos on her little arms makes me sick. i just can't imagine. she is so joyful though. she cried when she hugged me goodbye and wrote me a letter. i can't handle it. 

"you know god has also already redeemed that too don't you?"

i'm redeemed. the things i do are redeemed. things i don't acknowledge being redeemed are. things i think are too far beyond redemption are redeemed. it's a process but the fact that i live as a redeemed person means everything else is already redeemed too.

whoa.

things i've learned this week

• if he wants more of that he'll be coming back.
• don't go into marriage with debt. you can wait. it's not all about sex.
• god really does say yes to things but the yes may not mean right now yes. just wait.
• grace gifts (spiritual gifts) are not the same things as talents. everyone has spiritual gifts, not everyone has the same talents or amount of talents. but still grace is the same. and we all get it. perfectly equal amounts of it. 
• on your wedding day you can do what you want. you can invite who you want, you can do what you want. if it's not fun you are doing something wrong. 
• somehow for some reason i am good at honesty. i don't know if everyone else just isn't good at it or i have too much of it but that's what people keep telling me i'm good at and they are grateful for. 
• living life with a calm heart is not easy.
• being single means you can get a call at 3pm on a friday afternoon at work and drive your favorite high school girls to windy gap and hang out there because chances are you weren't obligated to anything or anyone else.
• the wrath for my sin was already satisfied. i am no longer being punished for things i do. 
• i can do ministry. i can do ministry well. i am encouraging, honest, confide-worthy, trustworthy. my life as means of ministry works. 
• if life isn't an adventure you probably are doing it wrong. 
• i can run 9 miles without stopping. 
• it's easy to spread yourself thin.
• people that have held my heart in the past probably still want to hold my heart now if i let them.
• i still know all the words to mambo no.5

i haven't blogged in a long time because life got busy after the new year. and then for a while i didn't think i had anything to blog about. then life got busy again. now life isn't busy and i am almost too scared to blog because my heart is pretty crappy lately. i'm grateful for that. grateful for things being pointed out to me and acknowledging stuff in my own life that i want to be weeded out. i almost just typed that i want to weed out. then i remembered i have not much say in that process and the lord will do what he wants with me when he wants to. but i'm praying that the weed of selfishness gets out real quick. because it becomes a vine and messes up my heart and love flow.

live life with a calm heart.

that phrase is written everywhere in my life lately and it's a pretty hard goal to achieve. rarely do i live with a calm heart. it's usually frantic, worried, stressed, frustrated, upset, sad, or annoyed. probably a myriad of other emotions or conditions as well. none of those being calm. i'm calm when things go my own way. back to expectations and how i have them and how they plague my life. luckily for me everyone else around me is learning about the war in life we all have against expectations so we have grown accostumed to talking about them and calling them out and shedding light on the reasons behind hurt feelings, being let down, missed connections and more. a symptom of expectaitons though, or a fruit of them is selfishness. maybe they are one in the same, i'm not sure. but as i've been trying to live life with a calm heart and i realize how infrequent my heart is calm i realize how selfish i am. yesterday i was pouting and literally laid on my bed and said I am being very selfish right now. no one was in the room but if they had been they would of certainly agreed with me. so, today i decided to not be selfish and to pray a lot more than i have in a long time and to fight really hard to live with a calm heart. and it worked. things that i normally would get upset about i took a breath and didn't. i didn't try to control situations, i didn't get mad at things that didn't need to be mad at or about, i didn't huff and puff, i wasn't worried because i had things to do, i just let life happen. i got frustrated really really bad at 4:55 before i left work trying to put rosie in her cage which she hates and fights and instead of scruffing her and shoving her in the cage i held her and tried to calm her down and told her i loved her and that she had to go to bed and it would be okay. she still resisted so instead of being mad then i found teresa and we got her in real easy. normally though i would of flipped out and probably hit rosie and called her bad names until she went in her cage.

a lot of my heart revelations and changes have come from the book the hiding place by corrie ten boom i read this month for my book report. it's like the anne frank diary but better. is that bad to say? it's so good and really has changed my life. here's some of my book report i wrote

            My favorite quote in the whole book is when Betsie and Corrie are talking and Betsie tells Corrie she has to give thanks for the fleas in their room and Corrie says that is ridiculous and Betsie says “Give thanks in all circumstances. It doesn’t just say in pleasant circumstance. Fleas are part of this place where God has put us.” Corrie still says she thinks Betsie is wrong but gosh, it is so true.  If I could have the faith to think of all things were good gifts from the Lord. I think this is most important to me because I don’t always do it. Sometimes I can acknowledge the bad things as good but most of the time I can’t. I don’t even know how to go about doing this. How do I thank the Lord for barking gods that poop on me or stubbing my toes or having my face be infected for the third time this month? Do I have to always see things in terms of the opposite like because I’ve been sick so much I’ve gotten to rest more than I normally would or because I stubbed my toe I got to practice the art of not saying cuss words and getting to sit down for a few minutes because I’m in pain. Like, how do I make my thanksgiving genuine? Have more faith that he really does have good things for me and not plans to harm me I guess

I learned a lot about people in this book. About humanity and about what people are capable of and what the Lord is capable of through people. Even the quote from Corrie that says “How rich is anyone who can simply see human faces!” What joy in a simple thing as seeing someone else. I don’t have to live in a prison or concentration camp to take joy in this gift. If I were able to thank God in all circumstances I could come home from work and be overwhelmingly grateful for this house I live in instead of holding past grudges or being tired and not taking delight in you all. (not that everyday coming home is a drag-mostly I am excited to come home but my heart could be in a better place sometimes in this house). At one point in the book Corrie acknowledged her own selfishness. She says “how easy it is to give it [selfishness] other names.” “Oh, this was the great poly of Satan in that kingdom of his; to display such blatant evil that one could almost believe one’s own secret sins didn’t matter.” Today I read  Galatians 6:1-5 and this verse stuck out to me -- 4-5 Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. Don’t be impressed with yourself. Don’t compare yourself with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life. (msg version) I think Corrie is a good example of this verse- she focused on the work she had been given and sunk herself into it. I want to be more like that. I want to be less selfish and call out my selfishness for what it is. Corrie came to the realization she couldn’t do any of this on her own, she couldn’t not be selfish on her own she couldn’t help these people on her own it had to be from the Lord. It all goes back to having faith. If I don’t have faith I lean on myself and there is a lot of nasty junk in me that comes out – greed, selfishness, bitter roots that form. If I trust the Lord the good rich fruit will come out.

this was long. it was good for me to write, maybe good for you to read. 

if i'm being selfish--tell me. call me out in a gentle and loving way (galatians 6:1 will tell you how) and let a sister know.