farther along we'll understand why.

life is good and sweet and has slowed down. i spent most of last week in the hospital which wasn't fun but i got to hang out with my mom and all my best friends for 3 days so that was fun. last night micah told me my group of friends is stacked and could take care of anything. he's right. i'm lucky. grateful for this town and how it surrounds me and loves me so well. grateful for all of crossroads staff coming to see me, all of cdh constantly being by my side, my mama coming from va and the white kitty house loving on me so hard. this week i went back to work and back to the office and took it easy and had an excuse to and that was real nice. i feel 100% again which is nice to feel human after not for about a week and a half. i've gotten a lot of encouragement this week from people (my house but jeremy esp, and chelsea telling me i'm a really good listener now and that all my effort to make that occur has paid off i guess and a lot of intentional time spent with people (qt with sam this past weekend, emily and anna hanging on my porch, duck dynasty with micah, car rides with maggie, going to the movies with evan) which has been so good for me. also have realized things about myself which is cool and new- that i'm a redneck and a hippie and somehow i embrace both of those atribute and it's okay. also, that i may be going to grad school for social work. wild. wild wild wild. love it. so exciting and scary mostly. next week i'll think about it more.

this blog post was never finished but it's good haha

you know, brooke fraser is really stinking good.

i'm home sick for the 2nd day this week with 3 more sick days ahead of me. i've already cried once from depression about it. i hate having to slow down i hate not having stuff to do i hate having to rest. even though its so good for me. even though i know rest can be productive and doesn't have to be consumed by tv watching (i had to stop myself after my 4th once upon a time episode today to read and spend time with jesus and then read blogs haha) i'm just not good at being sick i don't think. but it lets people show me they love me and i am good at responding to that.

mary slept in the same bed as me friday night even after i had thrown up (not in the bed) but i had smelly armpits.
ashley came after i told her i had thrown up and sat with me
mary let me wake her up at 8 crying and shaking in pain because i couldn't talk and i was so scared how sick i was.
sarah thomas found me some medicine.
gaby lent me her laptop and let me watch gilmore girls.
mary loved me and napped with me.
alexis checked on me every chance she had
alexis packed my stuff up for me and she and ash left the retreat early to bring me home
zach made me rest
i've gotten countless texts from family and friends asking if they can do anything for me
chelsea just offered to buy me frozen peas and now she's coming over to hang out
mary gave me a foot massage. which was weird.
micah made me laugh and let me watch once then when i fell asleep he turned off once and turned on a movie he wanted to watch haha
jeremy did the dishes for me
ashley gave me a candle haha

its just nice to be loved. all those people would do all those things any day of the week for me regardless of my wellbeing. that's nice to know too.

last night brian micah maggie and i went to elevation church in charlotte and out to dinner. those were both really really good. the car ride home was better. we talked about relationships and lack of relationships and what relationships do for us, for the better or the worse. at one point maggie asked me if i was jaded towards relationships. i didn't know what that meant so i asked if it meant cynical.
(jad·ed tired, bored, or lacking enthusiasm, typically after having too much of something)

i said i didn't know but i didn't think i was cynical towards getting in another relationship. she 

said she didn't really think i was either. then i told her that micah told me that matthew

 emotionally damaged me which i laughed about but is true in the scheme of life i just don't 

want to admit it. admitting it meant matthew had the power to damage me and i didn't want

to give him that power. she said he didn't have that power now he did at the time though. that's true. 

then i kinda thought some more about it and how maybe i am cynical to be in another relationship because

i don't want someone else to have that power to hurt me again. but i don't think i'm leery towards guys that

may or may not be pursuing me. hanging out with evan never scares me or to think about dating him doesn't

scare me. he also knows what matthew did to me so pretty sure he wouldn't ever do that. but, i think that i

am cynical about boys in general because of matthew and about how boys talk about girls. i hate it more than

anything now that a boy would do something/have any motivation in life for liking or doing something for

a girl because she was pretty. micah told us that he was moving to dc to work at courtney's house because

the intern mary stone was so beautiful. she was but i got mad that he would change his life for this girl.

so we had a conversation about it and it was really good. i'm also a hypocrite because i'm a fan of good looking

boys and talk about that sometimes. good thing i'm human. 

i don't want to be cynical. i don't want to be scared of relinquishing my heart and power (at some level) to someone 

else someday down the road. hopefully the lord will do that sweet restoring thing he does with people and i'll

be alright when the time comes. 

i don't know why this blog got formatted so weird, it's driving me bonkers but i can't fix it. sorry. 

I should be packing up and going back to work instead of blogging. oops.

i'm learning a lot. i'm learning to be slow to speak and quick to listen. i'm learning that praying is better than giving advice. i'm learning that the lords timing is indeed more perfect than my own. this has been evident in conversations that have manifested themselves, not been forced. this has been in tears and love and hearts being held in hands. i'm learning that i need to be more proactive in life.

four birds sat on a wire together. one decided to fly away. how many birds are still on the wire? four because one just decided to fly away but not actually do it.

no big deal that story just kicked my butt. i need to do the things i want to do not just talk about them. i just wrote a research paper on missionaries to the deaf around the world and that's cool and all but i should do something if i want to do it.

evan asked me to kill fire ants with him on saturday and i left a jar of pickles on his doorstep on monday.

i mean, just trying to live a good funny story.

James 1:19

New International Version (NIV)

Listening and Doing

¹⁹ My dear brothers and sisters,^(A) take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak^(B) and slow to become angry,

life is about driving with the windows down with 5 people in the car all singing home by phillip phillips at the top of our lungs 10 times in one weekend.

julia blogged about the song slow it down by the lumineers and now i'm obsessed with it too. and listening to it as i write this blog. 1 of two blogs today i think.

i want my life to be a good story. donald miller talks about that in his books a lot and y friend michael i lived with in tennessee two summers ago always talks about life as an adventure. that's really how he sees everything in his life, as a big adventure. if things are good or bad or hard or easy it's always an adventure. i love that mentality and have started adopting it. today i thought about how lately my life has been a good story. sunday i played rooftop basketball with mary and micah and then was trying to climb back in the house and i dislocated my rib. today i went to the fair with the people i work with at the vet and i milked a goat and rode a camel and got bit by an ostrich. it was a good story. i've thought about staying up late a lot recently and how i'll remember staying up late and the conversations i have but in a year i won't remember the monday i went to work super sleepy but the sunday night we went to get slushees at midnight because we could. things are bigger picture for me and i like that. alexis says she learns that from me a lot and i can dig it. i want more laughter in my story than words. i want tears in my story because tears are better than holding them back for too long. getting really involved in watching the voice as a house is a good story. playing horse every day with jeremy and micah makes for a good story. smashing windows with basketballs makes for an expensively good story. going to dc for 7 days together is about to be a good story. i want to add things to my story. i want the lord to knit my heart together with these people and other people so they become part of my story as well. anna asked me if i would want to move to greenville with her after cdh is over and i obviously don't know but i said only if it promised to be a good adventure. she said she thought it would. who knows. i don't want my story to be stagnant. there can be points to take a break from reading it or go to the bathroom or get some popcorn but i don't want it to stop or get boring. it can slow it down slow it down and rest but not stop. then i want to die and people to tell my story and incorporate it into their own.

today is the day before my birthday. it was really really really really special. maybe more special than any birthday has been in a long time. i feel like birthdays carry so much weight and pressure and expectations and i always cry. i mean, there is still time for that but i don't forsee any tears.

nano wished me a happy birthday
i went running and hurt my knee
i am loved.
sarah thomas, her husband daniel and her three childrens came over for dinner and mary did too.
there was a birthday balloon in the middle of the table.
we ate and laughed and i loved it
we didn't complain at dinner, we just laughed well.
then zach made everyone say nice things to me because its a tradition
zach said he is learning a lot from me, that i am black and white and truthful and real about things.
ashley said i was compassionate and funny and that most people aren't those two things together but i am.
micah said he loved that i was so strong and strongwilled and had so much self confidence and was real.
mary said i was her best friend then she cried.
daniel said that the highest compliment he can give a person is that he loves how i love his kids and teach them how to be real human beings.
sarah cried
jeremy said he appreciates that i build him up in his confidence because i am so confident
brian said he appreciates my thoughtfulness and that our friendship is funny and we appreciate funny things and that i'm strong
maggie said that i love her and care for her more genuine than anyone else she knows
sarah stopped crying and said that i'm funny and real and appreciated that i was vunerable to ask her to meet with me and that i love her kids well and that my faith is real and sought after and i'm not ashamed of it or my struggles and that is amazing to her.
alexis said she appreciated that i can see big picture life and not small picture life and i'm teaching her that and that i always encourage her and am so selfless and always help people right then and i put myself aside constantly.
anna said that she knew we would be best friends the first week we were here and that she felt more comfortable around me than anyone else in the house and that we were the deep silence is okay best friends and that she loved it and that i sharpen her faith and teach her not to sugar coat things in life and to be real with people about things.

i fought back tears my lower jaw was literally trembling. i am so loved. then we cleaned up dinner and i opened my package from my mama and then some more presents and then chilled and then zach, jeremy, and micah came in with 6 slushees all different combinations and micah served us all slushees and they were soooo good. then we watched the office and parks and rec and now i'm typing this becaues i don't want to forget it. i am loved.