i have this really ugly side of me that i literally forgot existed until saturday. if you know me, you'll know this side. if you don't know me (christine) get ready.

i like to control things a lot. mostly situations. to my favor and not anyone elses. i like things to be on my time frame and can get cranky if they aren't. i think i've always been this way but it used to be more bossy than it is now. or maybe that hasn't changed. i don't know. i first acknowledged this control problem summer 2010 at discipleship focus in tennessee. realized how much i like to be in control and not the lord. i like to do things when i want to do them and i want things and people to bend around me. i over commit to things and then like to work them all out so i can do everything when i want to. so i acknowledged i had a problem two years ago. acknowledged it and then forgot about it. sometimes i would remember it but not really. then last summer at discipleship focus again i was like oh yeah...that hasn't gone away. weird. so i acknowledged it again and maybe it got better. i guess because i haven't recognized it and have literally forgotten this side of myself that must mean it has improved. maybe i don't know.

saturday night i wanted to do what i wanted to do regardless of anyone. regardless that this was the last night chelsea and i would spend together. regardless that she wanted to have fun too. i wanted to hang with my friends and do whatever and play pool and not hang out with camp people especially mario because he still treats me like shit. i put on my pouty pants and was straight CRANKY. i drove fast and didn't talk to chelsea the whole way to snowmass and was like we are getting dinner with ryan and mario and then i'm leaving you can do what you want but i'm going out with my other friends. (yeah, i really said that, yeah i really am a punk) but then we got dinner with justin and adam instead and i remembered how to laugh and drinks with ryan and mario were okay. only minimal teasing/meanness by mario and i was spacing out anyway. ryan was nice. ryan is great. so life went on. i praised god for remembering that i am a crazy jerk sometimes and that i still got to work on it. so. still trying to be grateful.

i hate that this gross part of me exists though. sin, whatever. but i do hate it. because i don't want to control people or things or really anything because clearly i mess it up. but the lord is good and gracious in that and life is a process and that's okay.

You can't go wrong when you love others. When you add up everything in the law code, the sum total is love.” Romans 13:8 MSG

this weekend i drove a lot of people around. i laughed deep with people. i waited on them to drink and do drugs so i could drive them and they didn't have to drive. i danced in the snow. i was honest with people i didn't want to be honest with. i called my mom twice. i hung out with people i didn't want to hang out with. i loved colorado.

you can't go wrong when you love others.

we do indded have a god of resurrection, a god who can create beauty from the messes we make of ourselves and our world.     shane clairbourne

tonight ryan and i went to subway and talked about the lord and talked about the boys and how our hearts are broken that they are sleeping in their cold cars. and how they don't have real life. then we talked about living simply and happily and finding joy even when we aren't happy. nice to talk about jesus with him. we both long for jesus community. then at like 8 i took a shower and danced to kelly clarkson. then chilled. now i'm drinking tequila mixed with kiwi strawberry snapple and it's real good. and eating pb cheerios. and being pretty content.

i've been sending out some emails to ads on craigslist for nannies for the richmond area for the summer and got a reply tonight for one that is needed for 6-8 weeks this summer, 15 hours a week, 5 hours 3 times a week, and 23 dollars an hour. i said UH PERFECT HELL YES SIGN ME UP. I emailed them back with the dates i could start and end and expressed a lot (read-A LOT) of interest in the job. I'd be so game. hope it happens.

my itunes is sick tonight. death cab, decemberists, keane. sick dude. tomorrow chelsea comes and we rage all weekend. stoked.

hahahahaha george just walked in the house with his hood up walking like frankenstein.

i'm really bad with change. like, really bad with it. and sometimes it's just silly change. like even going back to college after christmas break i cried every year. even though i knew i was going back to friends and at some points boyfriends, and sweet community i still cried to leave my house. leaving places and going places is really hard for me. i get really quiet and cry. i think it drives my brothers, probably mostly sam, insane. it's like i forget what i'm going to or coming from. like the song table for two  by caedmon's call-

Because I'm so scared of being alone
That I forget what house I live in

i forget where i live and that god is wherever i am coming from and going to.
 
last night justin moved out and then at like 10 adam and keenan came home to pack their stuff up. i watched some friends and adam came out and we had a real talk about life and how i want them to have what they want in life and he was like yeah it drives me crazy that justin chases girls when that's not what he really wants. they know they want real life. gosh. i asked him what he wanted and he didn't really know but it was a good conversation. eventually i moved into their room to watch them pack and laugh with them. they were a little drunk and funny and i laughed a lot. at one point keenan was like what you aren't going to talk and i was like i don't really talk when i'm bummed out and he was like you aren't even crying how are you bummed out? and he talked about how he was excited to move on and exist and travel and we talked about richmond and cdh which was weird and good. then he sang me some jars of clay which i still don't know how he knew or why he sang it to me. adam was doing laundry and i had to go to the kitchen to get keenan some plastic bags so i decided to wait outside the laundry room for adam to come out to scare him because we've been joking about the bear all week. so i waited and he came out and i jumped off the rock and screamed and he screamed and punched me in the throat and kept screaming all the way home and i fell over laughing. it was probably the best thing that's ever happened and i'm glad they moved out so they can't get me back. we listened to dave matthews and sang and drank some gin and i went to bed at like one. woke up and they were packing again and listening to band of horses which kinda always makes me cry anyway so i was sad and got to drive to aspen and talk to my friend nicole from dfocus about her heart and mine and that was good for my soul. came home to the boys pulling out and we said bye and they said they were finding a place to set up camp and i was SO sad. then adam was like see you at like 6 at hoss i'll buy you a drink. hahaha so i'll see him in like 5 hours. and justin. and keenan. really nothing changed at all. i just freak out i don't know why. i think i'm freaking out about leaving the valley anyway and this is just the start of changes and stuff. this weekend chelsea comes and i'm stoked but i also have to say bye to her on sunday. then i have four more weeks here and the last week and a half the girls will be gone and they come home the day i leave so really i only have like 2 more weeks with them. weird. SO weird. i wish it was 6 so i could see the boys again and then go to campaigners.

the boys moved out today!!!! :( justin left this note^. i walked in and saw it and cried. just a few tears because i was supposed to be teaching asl class to dan but i came to see if he was still here. :(

i'm sad. the boys are sad. and homeless. which is also sad. i asked justin if we were still pals and would hang out and he said hannah i'm literally homeless we'll probably hang out more because i'll have nowhere to go and nothing to do. haha. sad. and he said he'd come over this week and dread my hair. fair enough.

on to funnier things. today this guy jon posted on the ultimate group that he needed a ride and i didn't know where the field was so i was like oh i'll give you a ride. and hoped he wasn't a creeper. but, for the record it's a closed group so someone had to invite him so someone had to know him. so i met him at the intercept lot and turns out he was one of the guys from the church dinner sunday night! so we talked and drove and laughed and sang a lot and turns out he didn't know where the field was either. so we laughed about that and he googled it and directed me. so we got there and found some other guys from the group and they busted out a six pack and they drank and we threw and we laughed and it was nice to throw around for sure. then some more people came and we threw around for teams and they broke out a bowl and smoked and this guy alex peed and then we played ultimate. i could only stay for one point but it was pretty fun to play.

so, weird. everything in my life involves drugs. great. hahahahahaha ryan has a little like open window thing by his loft door and he just peaked his head out and made puppy paws unintentionally. i laughed hard.

16 days till i see my best friends. ahhhhhh so good. i may survive after all.

 I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of. john 10:10


i think i've forgotten abundant life. well i know the answer (ha, as if there is one) is eucharisto. being thankful. being grateful. i haven't forgotten that. i am grateful. grateful for every moment of colorado. the complete crap that it used to be, and the real fun adventure it has turned into. the laughs and tears and grace that i've found here. 


but this place is not full of abundant life. i see it in high school girls i get the priveledge of hanging out with mondays and wednesdays- they want so badly for jesus. when asked what they are living for 5 out 6 said "i know the answer should be jesus, but it's not. i know it should be jesus and i want it to be jesus but it's not" they want it. 


the boys i get to live and dance through life with want something more. we've all had conversations one on one about them wanting wives and children and happiness. they want it. they cover it up for the world by drinking and smoking all day every day so they don't have to remember they don't have what they want or will make them happy. justin says the girl he's shacked up with for the past two weeks was too nice and he's over her. he says he wants a woman to live this incredible life with. adam numbs his depression and his anxiety and self consciousness with constantly being high or drunk. 


tonight christine asked me if it made me sad. if my heart broke for them. at first i wanted to say no because they have good lives and are good people and because my life has kind of become a little numb like theirs has. but it does break my heart. for them and for myself. tonight after young life i put in a cd of jesus songs that my friend sarah thomas made me and i sang and cried and drove home and felt like such a fake. i felt like i didn't deserve to be singing those songs. like the fact that i have chosen to chase boys or be chased by boys or drink and have desires to drink when i have had long days or desires to smoke pot just because i could here, meant i couldn't be singing praises to god. like i couldn't thank him for all the goodness because i had chosen the worlds goodness instead of simple truths. 


i still come back to freedom. that incredible and awful freedom we have. the freedom that i can sing praises because god says i am still his beloved. that i do belong and deserve somewhere i can feel free and that is in him. 


how great is our god. 

obligatory full moon post? haha it is real pretty. april 6th and i cried the other day thinking about leaving here. and trying to figure out ways i could stay here

"guys...isn't it weird we eat chicken menstruation?" - keenan

"elton john's greatest hits...nothing but the hits guys ITS NOTHING BUT THE HITS"- adam

my life has been funny lately for sure. i hear some stomping outside, it's either the boys or a bear. either one. time is flying by and i'm so sad. i never knew i would fall in love with this place. i love working 9-5 as weird as that is, i love the sunshine, i love running on trails, i love having a new mountain to climb every day if i want, i love meeting new people, i love prickly pear margs, i love laughing and adventuring, i love living in this house (the girls and ryan and mario have been gone since thursday and its been so nice to live life with the boys and laughing and playing cowboys and indians which is weird but great and having elton john dance parties and watching bridesmaids). last night i was so sunburnt and tired that i went to bed and left my light on and door open and i yelled for the boys until adam walked in and told me goodnight and turn the light off and shut my door.

this is pointless but i really am enjoying things. the boys were supposed to move out yesterday but that didn't happen so praise the lord for that.

saturday i got my oil changed and ran 6 miles and talked to sam and hung out at my house withhout pants on and talked to my sister and cleaned my room to bone thugs and went to venga venga and had a drink with jenine and met this boy nate at the park to play ultimate. there was a birthday party at the park for all adults and some were dressed like clowns and they had a wiffle ball throwing machine and like 100 wiffle balls so nate and i threw around and then we got to hit wiffle balls and that was funny and so great. then i went to pizza with lesa and george and then went back to snowmass then came home and fell asleep and the boys came home and woke me up and we laughed. yesterday was easter and i woke up and cried because i felt all alone and went to church and wasn't really into it then went to venga venga and sat outside with ashley and kiki for six hours and got hella burnt and then ash's friend matt came over with his dog and we hiked the rim trail of snowmass and it was so good. hiking and drinking santa christmas beer living the colorado life. then went to a church bbq and sat in the chapel with like 20 people all in their 20's and drank beer and watched boys roll joints literally bigger than king kongs fingers (who gets the reference?)

today i woke up and had a quiet time which i haven't in a while and prayed and listened to call me maybe on accident but had a little dance party in my bed and realized i can't stay here even if i want to. so then i decided that i was moving to richmond. i emailed some craiglist ads for nanny jobs, told megan to be on the lookout, asked christine to find me a job and a place to live haha, maybe have a place to live with a girl annie from hs.

you belong somewhere you feel free.

this is really just because i have a shitty memory, i'm sure it is boring to read about my life and read things like "i ran barefoot and sat in sunshine and rode with the windows down and listened to good music and my life is the best" all the time hahahaha

i'm so sunburnt i can't even blog.

yesterday this was justin's status : We are a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing rooms and toothpaste, coveting one another's frozen dinners, hiding booze, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and laughing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together. with Keenan and Adam


i read it (and got pissed i wasn't tagged in it) and almost cried. yesterday i was really overwhelmed and sad that i was leaving. i literally never thought i'd have these emotions towards colorado. it's been so good lately though. challenging still but so good. trying to figure life out just like justin said. trying to work out life and faith and whatever. at young life in aspen they've been talking a lot at club and campaigners like What does it all mean? what does the cross mean what does jesus dying for you mean what does it all mean. and all I ever come back to is freedom. 


1. Freedom, independence, liberty  refer to an absence of unduerestrictions and an opportunity to exercise one's rights andpowers. Freedom  emphasizes the opportunity given for theexercise of one's rights, powers, desires, or the like: freedom ofspeech or conscience; freedom of movement. Independence  implies notonly lack of restrictions but also the ability to stand alone,unsustained by anything else: Independence of thought promotesinvention and discovery. Liberty,  though most often interchangedwith freedom,  is also used to imply undue exercise of freedom: Hetook liberties with the text. 9.  openness, ingenuousness. 12. license. 16.  run. 


run. which is funny because that's when i feel the most free. 


i know colorado is full of hippies and everyone's spiritual but not in a jesus sense and everyone's so chill. i think i've adopted some of that mentality into my faith. we really were made to feel free. we were not made to feel enslaved. we were given a choice in loving the lord or not. freedom. 


back to running- i run a lot here. maybe more than i did training for my half. not as many miles but i go on more runs. last week i ran without shoes on a trail and cut open both my big toes. i sent a picture to my boss and she said why would you do that and i said i didn't have shoes and i just wanted to feel free. i don't run fast here- 9,000 ft altitude and running up a mountain slows me down a lot. but i always feel free. the sun shines bright and some flowers are trying to bloom and it is beautiful here. 


i feel free to be myself. i feel freedom from being the funny girl, or the christian, or the young life leader. its nice to work out my faith for myself. and to make mistakes and figure those out too. it is nice to be chill and live in the simple pleasures of driving around a mountain and sitting in the dirt and getting excited to toss a frisbee because i haven't since december. i definitely live (i had to do some expense reports and forgot what i was going to say i live...) in freedom and the simple life here and that's nice. unencumbered by things. i can dig it. 

one time my friend stephanie got engaged while on a run with her at the time boyfriend and my friend brittany and i became obsessed with this story and hoped everytime we ran that we would get engaged! she has a boyfriend, i don't but i was still hopeful. like the next day we were running past john deere and these road bikers passed us like twice and the second time one of them turned around and said HANNAH I LOVE YOU and i think i almost fell over dead because i thought i was going to get engaged. it was just my friend josh. but really, it was a close call.

my life is funny. Christine, this ones for you!

so samuel is friends with this girl christine and he showed her my blog (that he doesn't read-rude) but she does and we became best friends. tonight we facebook chatted for the first time which i hope wasn't weird--was it? and it was awesome. we both appreciate my funny family, friends, couch sleeping, and the SUMMER OF FUN. so naturally we are best friends. she just said what if i said i didn't want to be friends? april fools. i told her i would be pissed and write a blog about her which she seemed to want. this is it. i'm watching friends and eating peanut butter cheerios and now i wish that she was here and hanging with me. good thing we have the whole summer.

so cheers for being stalked and making new best friends and having a new partner for the summer of fun 2012. i'm stoked.

colorado is still good. i'm sunburnt and my freckles are coming out and that brings me joy.